There were some database problems with the old political joke topic, and I had to close it.
The old topic is located http://www.americasdebate.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=9530.
Please use this topic for all of your political jokes!
Three Moderators named Amlord were reading about Political jokes while walking into a bar....
An Admin named Mike told him to duck.
I blame Doc.
Some actual jokes to get this thread rolling again....
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
Working With The FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone
rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When
he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good
news. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"
The politician's smiled faded. "Aw jeez, ma, why bring that up at a time
A very appropriate Mark Fiore cartoon - http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/gate/archive/2005/03/23/fioreangels.DTL
I guess this qualifies as a political joke. http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=856&ncid=856&e=1&u=/nm/20050329/od_uk_nm/oukoe_health_sleepabout Americans being too sleepy for sex, features a photo of sleepy Bush / Cheney supporters. Oh, that liberal media.
'Fristian Fables: The Ant and the Grasshopper Revisited'
One afternoon in late autumn, a grasshopper sat in the shade of a crabapple tree, stuffing his face with cracked wheat and watching in amusement as a tiny ant labored diligently to transport a sizable stash of grain, one kernel at a time, past the grasshopper's place of repose.
"Where ya goin' with all that grub?" the grasshopper asked.
"I'm taking it to the colony," the ant replied. "My six-legged sisters and I have been working our appendages to the exoskeleton for weeks now, and we've accumulated a rather prodigious pile of the stuff."
"What's the point?" the grasshopper asked scornfully. "Why not just take what you need for yourself and screw everybody else? That's the way we grasshoppers do it! Self-reliance, individual initiative, the entrepreneurial spirit, that's what made this garden patch great..."
read the rest http://www.smirkingchimp.com/article.php?sid=20522&mode=nested&order=0 (too many naughty words to post the whole thing. )
This was much better during the election but I still love it:
John Kerry walks into a bar, the bartender says "Why such a long face?"
With the recent deaths of Teri Shiavo, John Paul II and Johnnie Cochrane the world has lost hope, a pope and a dope!
One morning Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, sir?" she asks George W. He replies, "How about a quickie?"
"Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude. You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton and you haven't even been in office for second term yet!
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced 'quiche.'"
Nick Anderson recently won the pulitzer prize for editorial cartoons - http://www.postwritersgroup.com/anderson-pulitzer.htm. ALL of them are excellent and really funny at the same time.
The following is a quote from Richard Perle made during testimony in front of the House Armed Services Committee:
Does anyone else find it a little disturbing that the name of the new Iraqi President is Jalal Talabani?
Hey? Is the the United States speaking? Yeah, this is Massachusetts. We've got a couple things we'd like to say...
1. We do not have a Senator Carey.
2. Yes, the Red Sox winning was an important event.
3. "Worcester" has one o, two r's, two e's, and a c.
4. Your father's sister does not have six legs.
5. The entire commonwealth is not separated into "Boston" and "Cape Cod."
6. Anyone who thinks Goodridge circumvented the will of the people hasn't actually met our people.
7. Stop calling that little shower "rain" until you've been to Boston in April.
8. Maybe you should pick a symbol of liberalism you can actually spell.
9. Repeat after me: "drivers yield to rotary traffic..."
10. You seem to think we're a bunch of gays, drunkards, priests, baseball fanatics, militant leftists, pretentious pseudo-intellectuals, and drunken pretentious gay baseball-obsessed hard-left priests. Which goes to show that even a stopped clock is right twice a day!
lol i jus laughed @_@!
There is a great comic about the http://www.salon.com/comics/tomo/2005/04/18/tomo/index1.html over at Salon.com. You have to watch a short ad to see it.
This is a quote from myself, but it also doubles as a joke. Insert "politicians" for "people" if you like. It would still work, but even better!
What does smart people and dumb people have in common?
They both can act stupid...
"Earlier this week Bush met with a key player on the world energy scene -- Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. Bush greeted him by kissing him on both cheeks and then led him by the hand into his ranch -- confirming the long standing rumor that the president is, in fact, queer for oil." --Jon Stewart
Did the Dallas Morning News place these items next to each other on purpose? http://www.theagitator.com/archives/DMN04-26-05.jpg
May 5th, 2009 - Bad news hit today as President George W. Bush's new Presidential library in Waco, TX burned to the ground. Both books were lost. President Bush is quoted as saying of the tragedy, "Darn! And I hadn't finished coloring the second one yet."
Q: Why did the Texas Aggie refuse to remove the Bush/Cheney bumper sticker from his Ford F-150?
A: He's saving it for Bush's 2008 reelection campaign.
(Not a joke...well, maybe...but nothing worth a thread of its own)
The latest round of "unauthorized" photos - Saddam in his tighty-whities.
Al Gore Concession Speech, 1st Draft
Good evening, my fellow American: Tonight we come to the end of a long road
and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in World Court seeking to overturn the Florida elect..
Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 2nd Draft
Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote..
Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 3rd Draft
Good evening, everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shaf..
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Al Gore Concession Speech, 4th Draft
Good evening, my fellow Americans. Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of "loser," ..
Crumple, crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 5th Draft Good evening, my fellow Americans. Approximately 12 million light years ago, when I was first dispatched to your planet from Zolloid 9 ..
Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 6th Draft
I can't do this. I just can't do this.
Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 7th Draft
Hello, my fellow Americans. It's been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Buhh
Bahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President
Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKIN' CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS!
Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 8th Draft
My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate..
Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 9th Draft (folksy approach) Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, when I was young boy frolicking on the zero-gravity ash fields of Zolloid 9, it never occurred to me when I downloaded the human emotion coding sequence..
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Al Gore Concession Speech, 10th Draft
Good evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That's called "stealing," and in American stealing is a cri..
Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 11th Draft
My fellow American, most of you probably know how to count. One. Two. Three. And so on. See? It's not that difficult. (Smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida..
Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 12 Draft
Good evening, everyone. Generally speaking, civil war is never a good thing. But there are times . ah, forget it.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault.
An ongoing series featuring the correspondence of Senator Richard Durbin (D-IL), America's most dynamic metaphorist
Mr. Hector Gutierrez
Gutierrez Bros. Landscaping
Dear Mr. Gutierrez:
Nothing could have prepared me for the shock that awaited as I exited the front door of my home early Wednesday morning, where I discovered that your lawn crew had cut a swath of environmental destruction across my yard so horrifying that it only can be compared to the Rape of Nanking. I can scarcely bring myself to describe the killing fields that are my North azalea beds and the brutal degradation and torture suffered by the bluegrass around the locust tree by the rear patio. I am writing to inform you that I have contacted the US Department of Interior to conduct a full independent investigation into Gutierrez Brothers' actions in this matter. Please be advised that you may be subpoenaed for records pertaining to mower height, pruning shear maintenance, and leaf blower emissions. I would also advise your crewmen to heed the lessons of the Judgement At Nurenburg: although they may be spared the justice due their superiors, "I was only following orders" is not an excuse.
Senator Richard J. Durbin
Customer Relations Department
Elk Grove Village, IL
Dear Sir or Madam:
In the dark annals of human evil, history has recorded the Holocaust, the Rwandan genocides, and Stalin's mass starvation program. And now, United Airlines flight 671 from Reagan International to Chicago O'Hare on June 3rd, 2005. I know, because I am a survivor of that dark exemplar of man's cruelty to man.
Perhaps I should have known what I was in for when your brusque gate agent refused to issue an upgrade to me for the flight (despite being a Premier/1K member for over 10 years), or when your flight crew Gestapo confiscated my carry on Roll Tote (even though I had nearly fit it into the overhead bin). But the true measure of the horror did not dawn on me until me and my fellow passengers were left taxiing on the O'Hare tarmack for over twenty minutes in the Auschwitzian Airbus A320 cattlecar, in temperatures approaching 85 degrees, not knowing our fates or whether we would make it to our fundraising dinners.
Santayana once said, "those who forget history are doomed to repeat it." And I say to you and your fellow United criminals: "never again," unless you credit my account at least 2 flight segments for this travesty.
Senator Richard J. Durbin
cc: Human Rights Watch
cc: Amnesty International
Ms. He-Sook Park
AAA Georgetown Drycleaning
Dear Ms. Park:
To paraphrase Pastor Martin Niemoeller, a witness to the Shoah:
First they frayed the hem on my wife's Valentino gown
My staff aide did not speak out
Because it was my wife's and it wasn't that noticeable
When they didn't honor the 5-for-$4.99 tie coupon
My staff aide did not speak out
Because the small print said "good Tuesday to Friday"
And when they overstarched my best Brooks Brothers shirts
there was no one left to speak out to
Because your counter attendant did not speak English
I will no longer stay silent in the face of your cruel and sickening campaign of chemical fabricide, Ms. Park. Mankind will soon learn of the horrors you are hiding behind the flimsy facade of 'One Hour Martinizing.' I expect full reparations for the suffering of my wardrobe, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Senator Richard J. Durbin
P.S. -- Could you hem a pair of casual trousers before Saturday? I have a DNC retreat coming up.
Mr. and Mrs. Robert Epstein
3786 Arbor Cove
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Epstein:
In her diaries, Anne Frank wrote, "After all that has happened, I still believe there is good in everyone." I am sad to say that after the obscene neighborhood parking situation Saturday, prompted by your son Jacob's Bar Mitzvah at Congregation Beth Shalom, I cannot reach the same optimistic conclusion.
As I witnessed one after another of your uniformed parking attendant shock troops invading my cul de sac with menacing SUVs, eventual blocking my driveway, I could not help but imagine the raw panic that must have gripped the doomed souls that inhabited the ghettos of Warsaw in 1939. Although the traffic jam eventually passed over when your took your adolescent blitzkreig on to Lazer FunZone, I am not sure I will ever fully recover from the trauma.
Never again, Mr. and Mrs. Epstein. Never again.
Senator Richard J. Durbin
Not really a joke, nor is it political, but hey-- it's fun anyway, and this is the best topic for it.
FINALLY someone has come out with A 100% Bi-Partisan Political Bumper
The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
This isn't a political joke per se, but I did find it pretty funny and thought I'd share - http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2005/06/24/national/w155645D10.DTL.
CJ, You Made My Day!
Lord help me, but the evil female breast is welcomed back into my concept of the Universe and all things created!
Don't really care about the necked male chest. I got one of those.
So sorry for those whose ever-lasting souls rest upon the human body being exposed or covered up. There there, the soul will everlast no matter what. Don't cry.
Um, Ashcroft might have reason to cry though. Selling out is a pretty big soul thing, especially when you use other people's money. Then again, eight grand is piddly compared to the billions being shucked down the hole for other dubyaous reasons.
But ding dong, Ashcroft's gone! The breast is back! Hopefully, justice comes along with it.
A classic cartoon from the Washington Post:
If amusing sound effects and lampooning our "torture techniques" will help get you through a stressful Friday, click http://areyouconservative.typepad.com/ayc/flash/gtp.htm to launch the "Gitmo 'Terro-Gator."
"I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything"
Bart Simpson or Bill Clinton???
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
- People still believe in David Koresh
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"
GEORGE BUSH GOES TO HELL
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
From the Arizona Republic online.....
A complaint post and the reply:
How many conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw it in, and four to hate gay people.
A political cartoon for your viewing pleasure - http://cagle.slate.msn.com/news/RoveInformant/cagle00-1Rove.gif. It speaks for itself I think
This has to be quite possibly the funniest Mark Fiore cartoon I've seen - http://www.workingforchange.com/comic.cfm?itemid=19378 which even includes a reference to The Manchurian Candidate.
Ralph Nader, John Kerry and George W. Bush go to a fitness spa for some fun. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decide to visit the men's room and they find a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance who says;
"Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The men quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, Ralph Nader steps up and says, "I think I'm the most truthful of us three" and he suddenly finds the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.
John Kerry steps up and says "I think I'm the most ambitious of us three" and in an instant he was surrounded by a pile of money to fund his Presidential Campaign.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George W. Bush looks into the mirror and says, "I think --", and is promptly sucked into the mirror.
An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work."
Vardan Kushnir, a notorious russian spammer who headed the English learning centers, the Center for American English, the New York English Centre and the Centre for Spoken English, was found dead in his Moscow apartment on Sunday, Interfax reported Monday. He died after suffering repeated blows to the head."
- From a hidden microphone at the scene of the murder:
"You are receiving *WHAM* this blow to the head *WHAM* because you are part of a *WHAM* specially-selected list of *WHAM* people who agreed to receive *WHAM* blows to the head *WHAM*.
To stop *WHAM* receiving these *WHAM* blows to the head, please *WHAM* email us at firstname.lastname@example.org. com and *WHAM* we will remove you from our list of *WHAM* blow-to-the-head-club members *WHAM* (heh, we said "club"!) *WHAM* within 24 to 48 hours."
A man walked up to the gates of the White House and told the security guard he wanted to speak with the president of the United States, John Kerry.
The guard looked at the man and said, "John Kerry is not the President of the US, sir."
Then the man asked again to see John Kerry, President of the United States.
Once again the guard rolled his eyes and said "John Kerry is not the President of the United States.
Once more the hard headed man asked again to see John Kerry, United States President.
The guard getting angry, said to the man" Look are you deaf?!?. John Kerry is not the President of the United States!!!.
Then the man responded. Oh I'm not deaf, I just love hearing you say that!
http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0507/S00317.htm - enjoy!
Not exactly political, but fun:
How many members of an internet forum does it takes to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
9 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
1 to move it to the "Lighting" section.
2 to argue then move it to the “Electricals” section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... and six more to condemn those 6 as “stupid”
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
5 know-it-alls to claim they were in the industry, and "light bulb" is correct
9 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take the discussion to a lightbulb forum
1 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
6 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the wrong URL's were posted and then post the right ones
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
2 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to ask "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
2 to say "do a Google search before posting questions about “light bulbs"
1 “lurker” to respond to the original posting - 6 months later - and start it all over
I stumbled upon http://www.markfiore.com/animation/interrupt.html today and decided it would be a good addition to this thread.
He is decidedly against the present administration in most of his humor, but he is an equal opportunity prankster who hammers the media often as well.
The selection I linked to is a media bash. Funny stuff.
The Gay Agenda (by that prolific author, Anonymous)
Someone mentioned in another thread that "temporary" U. N Ambassador John Bolton is a joke.
Goliath might win this one.
Here are some more Bolton Cartoons. Scroll down to August 1. There are three of them.
Here's a new version of Animal farm. With a Southwestern Twist. Maybe!
How to tell if your cow is sane.....or mad.
A few political cartooons having to do with the Cindy Sheehan story...
And... poking a little fun at the http://www.venganza.org/.
This will give y'all a good chuckle...
Have a great day...
This isn't a joke in the traditional sense but I read through this list of quotes and found it highly amusing. I figured some of you would too. These statements were all made when Clinton committed troops to Bosnia:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/gate/archive/2005/08/17/fiorevictory.DTL another cartoon by Mark Fiore.
Given the rapid rise in gasoline prices, I find not a little ironic humor in this election campaign ad.
Click launch, but you'll have to endure a short commercial before the show starts.
I thought Sunday's Dilbert was quite poignant on a number of topics
It's not really a political joke but I love it anyway...
Partisan, but fairly entertaining.
I thought this was humorous:
Top 11 awkward moments during Dubya's bicycle ride with Lance Armstrong.
11. Armstrong arrived with his buddy John Kerry.
10. Everyone had to wait while the President finished shaving his legs.
9. Armstrong's frequent coasting prompted demand from Dubya to switch bikes.
8. Bush singing "All I Want to Do Is Have Some Fun," interrupted by Armstrong humming, "You're My Favorite Mistake."
7. Crawford neighbor Larry Mattlage's penchant for firing his shotgun gave Lance a Greg LeMond moment.
6. The first time Dubya fell, Lance didn't know about the "when the President falls, everybody falls" protocol and kept on riding.
5. Bush's assurance to Armstrong that he would put the "war on cancer" on the list right after Iran and Syria.
4. Skipped Presidential Daily Briefing from CIA to take another loop.
3. When the going got tough, Dubya refused to lead, preferring to draft.
2. Armstrong passed his drug test.
1. Lance stopped to talk to Cindy Sheehan for an hour and finished the ride with a four minute lead.
Just life sustaining essentials here? http://news.yahoo.com/photo/050830/480/ladm10908301723/print
Last week I bought Bill Maher’s most recent book New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer. I decided to type out six jokes for your enjoyment.
I thought http://www.snopes.com/photos/katrina/disaster.asp was pretty hilarious. If only it weren't so true.
I just heard this classic folk song for the first time today.
The only joke here is that these moronic quotes are from people who were actually elected (well, most of them, anyway).
25 Mind-Numbingly Stupid Quotes About Hurricane Katrina And Its Aftermath
Be sure to check out the ones that didn't make the top 25. Some of our "finest 'murricans" have weighed in with gems like this:
Someone just sent me this.
Some funny takes on Dubya's bathroom break note:
Senator Ted Kennedy- (D) Massachusets - has been asked to testify at a pending Katrina Commision hearing as an expert witness.
Commitee staffers cited his personal experience in response times and rescue efforts regarding victims trapped below rapidly rising water levels.
I may be late coming to the party on this one, but go to Google, type in "failure" and hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button.
Someone in the Whitehouse press office isn't really singing form the right hymnsheet, I suspect...
Heard these two nuggets on Morning Sedition, in the "Marching Orders from the Streisand Compound":
"Find out the names of the next 5 hurricanes that haven't happened yet and blame Bush for not responding early enough."
"Concoct a drink in the French Quarter and name it after Mike Brown. Call it the 'delayed response'".
Heh Mike, I used that site for like 2hrs :-P
Here's one I got in an e-mail:
Not sure if this qualifies as a political joke, but I figure http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20051004 supporters will find it amusing
Very subtle humor regarding our latest supreme court pick... Note that THIS IS NOT REAL!
I don't know how to paste it in all fancy-schmancy like carlitos, but this is funny:
Ok, Im not sure this is a joke bit it is wierd, REAL, starring Bush and Laura, Andy Card, Karl Rove , Gonzalez and Harriet Miers amongst others. This is how the White House amuses itself apparently when not attending to the affairs of the nation.
So much for restoring dignity to the White House.
Need a job? http://cronyjobs.com/.
Late night hosts are having a field day lately.
"Republican majority leader Tom DeLay was indicted and he was stripped of his congressional leadership powers. When asked what it feels like to lose all his power, DeLay said, 'I feel like a Democrat.'" –Conan O'Brien
"They shut down Pennsylvania Avenue because of a suspicious package, did you hear about that? Turns out it was just a big bag of laundered money for Tom DeLay." --David Letterman
"Today a Texas grand jury indicted House Majority Leader Tom DeLay for conspiracy in a campaign finance scheme. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Republicans since yesterday." --Jay Leno
"Tom DeLay is in a little bit of trouble. He says he didn't know that lobbying groups were illegally funding the trips he took all over the world. Don't you love this? When ever these guys are running for office they always tell us how smart they are, how knowledgeable they are, how they know what's going on. As soon as they get caught doing something wrong 'I'm an idiot. I didn't know what was going on.'" —-Jay Leno
This was posted by one of my LiveJournal friends and I quite enjoyed it:
Moderator: We're here today to debate the hot new topic, Evolution versus Intelligent Des---
(Scientist pulls out baseball bat.)
Moderator: Hey, what are you doing?
(Scientist breaks Intelligent Design Advocate's kneecap.)
Intelligent Design Advocate: YEAAARRRRGGGHHHH! YOU BROKE MY KNEECAP!
Scientist: Perhaps it only appears that I broke your kneecap. Certainly, all the evidence points to the hypothesis I broke your kneecap. For example, your kneecap is broken; it appears to be a fresh wound; and I am holding a baseball bat, which is spattered with your blood. However, a mere preponderance of evidence doesn't mean anything. Perhaps your kneecap was designed that way. Certainly, there are some features of the current situation that are inexplicable according to the "naturalistic" explanation you have just advanced, such as the exact contours of the excruciating pain that you are experiencing right now.
Intelligent Design Advocate: AAAAH! THE PAIN!
Scientist: Frankly, I personally find it completely implausible that the random actions of a scientist such as myself could cause pain of this particular kind. I have no precise explanation for why I find this hypothesis implausible --- it just is. Your knee must have been designed that way!
Intelligent Design Advocate: YOU BASTARD! YOU KNOW YOU DID IT!
Scientist: I surely do not. How can we know anything for certain? Frankly, I think we should expose people to all points of view. Furthermore, you should really re-examine whether your hypothesis is scientific at all: the breaking of your kneecap happened in the past, so we can't rewind and run it over again, like a laboratory experiment. Even if we could, it wouldn't prove that I broke your kneecap the previous time. Plus, let's not even get into the fact that the entire universe might have just popped into existence right before I said this sentence, with all the evidence of my alleged kneecap-breaking already pre-formed.
Intelligent Design Advocate: That's a load of nonsensical sophistry! Get me a doctor and a lawyer, not necessarily in that order, and we'll see how that plays in court!
Scientist: (to audience) And so we see, ladies and gentlemen, when push comes to shove, advocates of Intelligent Design do not actually believe any of the arguments that they profess to believe. When it comes to matters that hit home, they prefer evidence, the scientific method, testable hypotheses, and naturalistic explanations. In fact, they strongly privilege naturalistic explanations over supernatural hocus-pocus or metaphysical wankery. It is only within the reality-distortion field of their ideological crusade that they give credence to the flimsy, ridiculous arguments which we so commonly see on display. I must confess, it kind of felt good, for once, to be the one spouting free-form poppycock; it's so terribly easy and relaxing, compared to marshalling rigorous arguments backed up by empirical evidence. But I fear that if I were to continue, it could be habit-forming, and bad for my soul. Therefore, I bid you adieu.
Apropos sentiments, Jules. I was thinking the same thing after viewing Artemise's link. That one might qualify for a thread in and of itself.
I responded alternatively with feelings of harmless yet un-entertaining fun and thoughts of "Let them eat cake" or "While Rome burned"
That is hilarious!
Arnold meets Sesame Street
A little levity from scrappleface.com....
Sen. Charles Schumer, D-NY, today questioned Judge Samuel Alito's commitment to diversity noting that the Supreme Court nominee's last name is 60 percent vowels and only 40 percent consonants.
In perhaps the most substantive critique of President George Bush's nominee to date, the senator also noted that the federal appeals court judge's full name contains every vowel, but a disproportionately small percentage of consonants.
"Not only is Judge Alito's name too vowel-heavy for mainstream Americans," said Sen. Schumer. "But 'Alito' begins and ends with vowels, suggesting that vowels are the alpha and omega of the alphabet, and clearly denigrating the contribution of consonants to our society."
October 31, 2005
Schumer: Judge Alito ‘Hopelessly Overqualified’
by Scott Ott
(2005-10-31) — Federal Appeals Court Judge Samuel A. Alito Jr., President George Bush’s most recent Supreme Court nominee, is “hopelessly overqualified” for the nation’s highest court, according to Sen. Charles Schumer, D-NY.
“While average Americans had urged the president to appoint someone in the Harriet Miers tradition,” said Sen. Schumer, “Bush disappoints them by picking a Princeton and Yale graduate who’s a veteran jurist with a sharp intellect and rich legal experience. All of that ability and wisdom will be wasted at the Supreme Court, where his main job is simply to update the Constitution.”
I don't think this is so much a joke as it is just political satire.
You can apprently purchase a keychain counting down
Just a novelty I stumbled upon....
An amusing diversion:
God announces plan to cut non-essential humans
by John Breneman
Citing a burgeoning, unruly populace and dwindling natural resources, God today unveiled a plan to streamline the operations of Planet Earth Inc. by eliminating an estimated 30 million positions.
A PR spokesman for the Lord said He is "sick and tired" of humans abusing His bountiful creation and breaking all Ten Commandments as if they weren't even etched in stone.
"'Thou shalt not kill' just doesn't resonate with the modern generation today," said Ward O'DeLord. "We're thinking of changing it to, 'Don't friggin' kill each other you morons.'"
Man's self-destructive behavior, it seems, has put the Heavenly Bossman in a smiting mood.
"The hurricanes are just the beginning. The Big Guy just goes like this," said DeLord, pursing his lips and blowing a puff of air. "Oh, there's gonna be tsunamis, pestilence, 40 days and 40 nights of monsoon acid rain. He's considering a Category 5 locust infestation on Wall Street."
A source close to God's assistant undersecretary for Human Affairs said certain categories of people are targeted to receive a lightning bolt in the @&#, among them psychopaths, pedophile priests and terrorist nimrods. As part of the downsizing, arrogant politicians and corporate criminals around the world will be getting the old cardiac pink slip.
The Celestial Enquirer is reporting that the Omniscient One's long-term vision calls for a United Nations-like governmental and economic agency led by a bipartisan coalition of chimps and dolphins.
November 11, 2005
GOP Elects House Majority Minority Leader
by Scott Ott
(2005-11-11) — Moments after failing to muster enough votes to pass a $51 billion deficit reduction bill in the House, even after dropping a controversial oil exploration provision, Republicans moved to elect a New Hampshire lawmaker to the newly-created post of House Majority Minority Leader.
This is classic...
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA! and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done
next to nothing toward her degree! . She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Okay, I know the rule, but this one is just too funny to wait for another's post:
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 73-year-old Texas rancher,
whose hand had been caught in a gate while working cattle, a doctor and the
old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House.
The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle.'"
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle
was. The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued, "You
know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know
what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing get down."
I edited out some iffy language, but y'all can imagine what a 73-year-old rancher from Texas might say to spice up the punch line.
And here I am thinking that 73 isn't all that old. Sheesh, see what happens when you join AARP? Forty-year-olds seem like teeny boppers.
The U.S. Post Office issues new "Hillary Stamp"
The US Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of Senator
Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation.
In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing, a special commission made the following findings:
*The stamp was in perfect order.
*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
*People were spitting on the wrong side.
From The Late Show
BREAKING!! Top Ten New President Bush Strategies For Victory in Iraq...
10. Make an even larger 'Mission Accomplished' sign
9. Encourage Iraqis to settle their feud like Dave and Oprah
8. Put that go-getter Michael Brown in charge
7. Launch slogan, 'It's not Iraq, it's Weraq'
6. Just do whatever he did when he captured Osama
5. A little more vacation time at the ranch to clear his head
4. Pack on a quick 30 pounds and trade places with Jeb
3. Wait, you mean it ain't going well?
2. Boost morale by doing his hilarious 'Locked Door' gag
1. Place Saddam back in power and tell him, 'It's your problem now, dude'
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing.
He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"
Reason not to listen to the Pope:
THE FOUR GHOSTS OF THE WHITE HOUSE
One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him.
Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.
The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.
Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did " Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.
The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers,
"Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist.
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows.
It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the
Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
Cube Jockey had recommended Crashing the Gate: Netroots, Grassroots and the Rise of People-Powered Politics by Markos Zuniga (of DailyKos) and Jerome Armstrong (of MyDD)
With a description of the chapters:
I picked this up on ThinkProgress.org. I find quite a few liberals posting on the site on the vapid and shrill side but the site itself offers good updates and has an enviable blog rating.
Just a little mockery of our current political situation and the "war on Christmas" that is being waged. This is doubly funny because this was http://www.house.gov/dingell/documents/press_releases/109th_Congress/12-14-05_2.htm by John Dingell. Enjoy!
http://cagle.msnbc.com/working/051207/crowson.jpg, to me, says it all.
On the same subject:
For anyone who has followed the TimesSelect experiment, http://select.nytimes.com/gst/tsc.html?URI=http://select.nytimes.com/2005/12/14/opinion/14dowd.html&OQ=nQ3DTopQ252fOpinionQ252fEditorialsQ2520andQ2520OpQ252dEdQ252fOpQ252dEdQ252fCo
since both Beer and Evolution have been recent topics i thought id post this old groaner
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Getting To No: The Inside Story of the New York City Transit Strike
A story rarely circulated in the behind-the-scenes coverage of the strike and the negotiations leading up to it is that of the book on which both parties relied in coming to the table: "Getting to No: The Art of Ridiculously Hardball Negotiation". Both the MTA and the TWU consulted the author, Professor Saul Apt, on positions to take during their talks. In yet another example of famously poor judgment, Apt shared some suggested "discussion openers" with us:
"What the hell is your problem?"
"I'll have you know that the author of the Taylor Law, John Taylor, is my next door neighbor."
"Pensions are so overrated. Look at Enron."
"My cousin retired at 55 and she's been bored to tears ever since."
"I understand we have a huge surplus -- but a billion dollars just doesn't go as far as it used to."
"I know the Mayor and he looks nothing like that."
"Paying for your own health care gives a person a real sense of accomplishment."
"Surpluses are overrated. Everyone knows you get better results by doing more with less."
"I have a friend who won the lottery and it only brought him misery."
"You know you're going to raise the fare soon anyway. This way, if you give in, you'll have a convenient excuse."
Absolutely freaking hilarious:
Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises his knife,
and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere
seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
There's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or
This is really funny, creative and informative at the same time. Here are the Alito Opening Hearings in http://hotlineblog.nationaljournal.com/archives/2006/01/alito_opening_h.html.
A funny political cartoon...
Not sure this one hasn't been posted before
> Subject: Intelligent People
> George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks
> her, "Your Majesty,
> how do you run such an efficient
> government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
> "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is
> to surround yourself
> with intelligent people."
> Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me
> are really
> The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You
> just ask them to
> answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a
> button on her intercom.
> "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
> Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
> The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your
> mother and father
> have a child. It is not your brother and it is not
> your sis! ter. Who is
> Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers,
> "Well, your Majesty,
> that would be me."
> "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
> Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his vice
> president, the same
> question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and
> your father have a
> child. It's not your brother and it's not your
> sister. Who is it?"
> "I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you
> on that one."
> Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but
> none can give him an
> answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and
> recognizes Colin
> Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts,
> "Colin! Can you answer this
> for me?
> Your mother and father have a child and it's not
> your brother or your
> sister. Who is it?"
> Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
> Cheney smile! s, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Cheney
> goes back to speak with
> B ush. "Say, I did some research
> and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin
> Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily
> yells into his face, "No,
> you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
I got this in my email yesterday, sorry if it's been posted before.
Subject: Is it the NBA or NFL?????
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits. and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet? . . . Scroll down, citizen!
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Heard on Jay Leno 1/17/06
“Of course the Golden Globes were held last night. Brokeback Mountain, Capote, and TransAmerica all did well, and all dealt with homosexual themes. It’s God’s way of punishing Pat Robertson.”
Bush has fallen off the wagon :
I heard about William Blum http://today.reuters.co.uk/news/newsArticle.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyID=2006-01-21T002951Z_01_N20389182_RTRIDST_0_OUKOE-UK-SECURITY-BINLADEN-BOOK.XML&archived=False from Osama's reference to his book, Rogue State: A Guide to the World's Only Superpower on another message board. Rogue was "ranked 209,000 on Amazon.com's sales list before bin Laden mentioned it in an audiotape released on Thursday. By Friday, the book was No. 30 on the Amazon.com list."
Blum is quite happy with the terrorist pitch: "I was glad. I knew it would help the book's sales and I was not bothered by who it was coming from."
My first thought was mmm, capitalism before principles. The only way to go. See Lesly? Dems and Reps can come together on some things!
But enough yapping. Someone posted the following picture as a parody of the incident and I thought I'd share: http://img70.imageshack.us/img70/9941/binladin4ix.jpg
Alright, I don't see where anyone posted this, so I will. For a little Bush humor, go to http://www.jibjab.com/Home.aspx, and click on the "2-0-5!" rectangle in the front.
You'll need sound for this, by the way.
Preview of the http://media.echoditto.com/SOTU.mov...
Jock vs. Nerd
$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? However...
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
Here are american priorities...
Poor Old Man
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"
The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"
The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"
Well it is long and it is not political. But it is about teaching with technology!
It would be funny if it really was a joke. Supposedly, it is not.
Here are this year's winners:
5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000. by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's own son.
5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74, 000. and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!
4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500. after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000. and dental expenses.
1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an Oklahoma University football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
Just a Snopes.com follow up to th tort reform awards
There was a funny Dilbert over the weekend about fuel efficient cars and terrorists:
I saw this on Slate. When I clicked the link I thought Saletan was going to offer a serious analysis on this recent legal challenge but maybe it's too soon for him to form an opinion either way and he took the high road with comedy.
Maybe he'll comment on it later, but for now, I thought his version of the http://www.slate.com/id/2138088/ is perfect for this thread. Sample:
I can't remember if this has been posted before, but it has certainly made its rounds on the 'internets' via email and message boards. I don't have any clue who the original author is.
And for the fair and balanced side...
You might be a Democrat if...
You think a mother has a right to kill an innocent 5 month fetus because her pregnancy would interfere with her career, but feel we shouldn't put to death the man who raped and murdered 14 women.
You feel that being convicted of treason is an infringement on your first amendment rights.
You've filed for unemployment within two weeks of getting out of high school.
You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."
You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."
You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does
You actually expect to collect Social Security.
You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
The Founding Simpsons
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to explain to the gathered crowd that everything possible was being done to change the light bulb in a safe and timely matter, and how fortunate everyone is to have the best civil service agency on the task, while the second one screws the light into the sink.
When I saw this, I felt I had to share it. I searched this thread with ctrl-F and didn't seem to find any key phrases, so I don't think its a redundant posting. The following "test" arrived a few minutes ago as part of a political newsletter:
THIS TEST ONLY HAS ONE QUESTION, BUT IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT ONE!
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options-you can save the life of G. W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer: Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
black and white, simple yet elegant
What You Need To Believe To Be A Republican:
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney and Rumsfeld did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush couldn't find Bin Laden.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle and antagonize our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's and Dick Cheney's driving records are none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
Supporting "Executive Privilege" is imperative for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
There's nothing wrong with supporting drunken hunters who shoot their friends and blaming the friends for looking too much like quail.
This is sort of a religious joke, a political joke, and a lawyer joke at the same time:
An engineer dies and finds himself in Hell. When the Devil finds out, he makes a deal with the engineer.
"The truth be told", says Satan, "it's even too hot down here for me anymore. If you can come up with a way to make it cooler here, I'll make sure you are made very comfortable. No suffering at all."
"It's a deal", says the engineer.
After a time, the engineer does indeed come up with a cooling system, and things are downright nice in Hell. After a time, word of this gets back to God, and he places a call to Satan.
"Hey, I hear that Hell isn't so hot anymore", says God.
"Absolutely true", says Satan. "That engineer was, pardon the expression, a God-send."
"What!" said God. "Look, you can't have it comfortable down there. That defeats the whole purpose! And it seems we made a mistake. He should be up here with us. Besides, it's a little too cool here, and we could use his expertise to warm the place up. You'll have to give him back to us."
"Like Hell I'll give him up! You sent him here, and I'm keeping him!"
God shouted, "Oh yeah! I'll sue you!"
The devil replied, "And how are you going to do that? All the lawyers are down here!"
This might be old.
Warning: this link is to a piece by Carlos Mencia, who is not known for his political correctness.
For those of you following the immigration debate, Carlos Menica (with Mario Lopez) did what I thought was http://www.13gb.com/media.php?id=1364 the other night on Comedy Central's Mind of Mencia.
For those of you who have missed the multitude of Brokeback Mountain parodies out there, http://dailysixer.com/brokeback.shtml is a good resource.
-"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts." - Will Rogers
-"One of my movies was called "True Lies." It's what the Democrats should have called their convention." - Arnold Schwarzenegger
-The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
-Oxymoron : Government Worker
-"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington DC
-"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net." - Bob Dole
-"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, NYC Mayor
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States will be outsourced to India as of April 15, 2006. The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-NY). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accountability Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Mr. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the Office of President as of April 15th.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center" stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."
A Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Mr. Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems withthe Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new
position due to limited practical work experience. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile.
Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.
Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.
I just received this in an email. I have no idea where it originated.
In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu,
George W. Bush has ordered bombing of the Canary Islands.
I thought this was kind of cute:
Speaking of Oliphant (PE, you're link didn't work...)
I thought this the best forum for Pat Robertson's latest perverted hilarity...this time on "curing" a woman's asthma.
Thanks for the heads up, Amlord.
Let me try it again: http://www.ucomics.com/patoliphant/2006/04/11/
In honor of tax day:
This is a whole series of Bush cartoons. You can go forwards of backwards (previous picture/next picture) to see more. Some of them are great.
"Why do Tom DeLay supporters always travel in groups of three? Because the first can read, the second can write, and the third keeps an eye on those two intellectuals."
Comedian Jeff Foxworthy has a famous routine listing things that indicate you might be a redneck. Well, there are things that may indicate whether Bush is the worst president in history.
If you put on blinders, cherry-pick intelligence and Pinocchio the country into war, you might be the worst president in history.
If you treat the worst terrorist attack in the history of the nation as the best thing that's happened for you politically, you just might be the worst president.
If after Sept. 11, 2001, the ports are as easily accessible as Paula Abdul by an American Idol contestant and the borders look like the Pamplona bull run, you might be the worst president.
If your toilet paper has the Kyoto Treaty, Geneva Convention and the U.S. Constitution imprinted on it, you might be the worst president in history.
If your administration blows the cover of one of our CIA agents like Moe getting back at Larry for accidentally hitting him with a two-by-four, you could qualify for the worst president in history.
If your prisoner interrogation methods look like something out of the "Saw" movies and you're franchising secret prisons around the world, you might be the worst president.
If you can turn the largest surpluses in American history into the largest deficits faster than MC Hammer and never once veto a Congressional spending binge, you might be the worst president.
If you pass a massive, incomprehensible Medicare plan that would make Lyndon Johnson blush, pharmaceutical companies applaud and seniors groan, after lying about the cost of the plan, you may be the worst president in history.
If you have to secretly pay "journalists" to carry your water when Fox News would do it for free, you might be the worst president.
If, in your Orwellian wisdom, you feel you can bypass the courts and wiretap Americans like Linda Tripp on a late-night phone call with a friend, you could be the worst president in history.
If you read a children's book while the nation is under attack and four years later demonstrate you're just as unprepared by playing guitar while a hurricane devastates the Gulf Coast, you might be the worst president.
If you view science such as stem cells, the morning-after pill and global warming like an adult views Santa Claus, and you react quicker to a brain-damaged woman than thousands during a natural disaster, you might be the worst president.
If you've recruited more terrorists than Osama Bin Laden, you might be the worst president.
If a half dozen retired generals are calling for your Secretary of Defense's head and other active duty generals are one more boneheaded foreign policy debacle away from surrounded the White House with tanks, you might be the worst president.
Dear President Bush:
I'm planning a trip to Mexico with my immediate family and all extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements.
We're just skipping all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws, because I'm sure they handle those things the same way we do here. But would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that we're on our way?
Please let him know that we'll be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services we might need, whether we use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. We'll want our kids to be taught by English-speaking
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. We want our kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flagpole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Plan to feed our kids a free breakfast and lunch at school.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I won't know, and don't plan to learn, any of their local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from President Fox to leave us alone, please be sure that all their police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic family celebration on July 4th but we don't want any complaints or negative comments from the neighbors.
12. I would also like to have a nice "temporary" job but I won't be paying any taxes, and don't expect their labor laws to apply to me.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say anything critical about me or my family, or about the strain we might be placing on their economy.
I know this is an easy request because we do all these things for their folks who visit the U.S. I'm sure that President Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with the Vice President!
A US Citizen
Michael Musto of The Village Voice speaking of the New Tom Cruise movie on Countdown 5-8-06.
“Yeah, I mean, to put it in perspective it‘s not even what “MI3” made at the box office over the weekend. And that‘s such a bomb that Bush is thinking of dropping it on Iran.”
This video will be appreciated by those who don't like what's going on with the Bush administration. All others should stay away from the link, especially if a crude expression commonly used to describe men of little character, remorse, honesty or integrity offends.
The tune the video uses is an original by a relatively unknown group. I especially like that touch. It's funny in a sardonic way, so if sarcasm isn't to your liking, stay away too.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEO LINK HAS NOT BEEN APPROVED BY THE FDA, ATF, FBI, FEMA OR SPCA. IT HAS BEEN REVIEWED AND PASSED BY FUBAR.
An except from one digruntled senior citizen...
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry and Senator Kennedy want to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go.
Condi may have more to say, now that http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2006/05/post.html of Ahmadinejad's letter have become available.
The day the Iraqi army stood up.
Maybe that explains Jeff Gannon......
That is funny. I used to work with a guy with a similar, um, problem.
http://hotair.cachefly.net/video/2006-05/kos-mentos1.wmv that is funny, in a very inside-politics kind of way. Cube Jockey, tune in if you're out there.
Lighten up AMlord, here have some http://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/may2006/210506Muffins.htm
These anecdotes are from military briefings. Of course, the names have been removed...
"The 'L' in CENTCOM stands for leadership..."
"At this Command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM)
"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."
"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of R's in "fat chance..." GS-15
"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them ... and then exploit the hell out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM)
"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, ...well, ...way too much...
"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..." MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV
"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea
"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult tasker
"OK, this is too stupid for words." LTC (JS)
"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6." Col (EUCOM)
"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see."
"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." MAJ (JS)
"How much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress?"
"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."
"Let me tell you about the benefits of being on a staff...This should be a short conversation." LtCol to Lt Col (EUCOM)
USCENTCOM commanders announced today that they intend to maintain their presence in Qatar "until the sun runs out of hydrogen," thus committing the US to the longest duration deployment in human history. When asked how they planned to maintain the presence in Qatar for a projected length of 4 to 5 billion years, planners said "we're working on a plan for that. We don't have one yet, but not having a plan or an intelligent reason to do something has never been much of an impediment for us in the past; we don't foresee it being a big show stopper for us in the future either."
Among the options that were being discussed was an innovative program to "interbreed" the deployed personnel. "We are going to actively encourage the military members in Qatar to intermarry and raise children that will replace them in the future. Sure, it may be a little hard on some of our female service members, since there are currently are about 8 men for every woman over there, but we expect that to be OBE as the sex ratios will even out in a generation or two. In any case the key to the plan is to make these assignments not only permanent, but inheritable and hereditary. For example, if you currently work the JOC weather desk, so will your children, and their children, and their children, ad infinitum. We like to think of it as job security." CPT
"That's FUBIJAR." (*expletive* Up, But I'm Just a Reservist)
Ok, here's a cartoon video for the conservatives among us. Enjoy.
I think the video is real. If it is, it's the perfect snapshot moment capturing the administration's policy failures. If not, still funny.
Note, this 8 min audio clip is a work of satire...
One of those chain e-mails
This is not really a joke, per se, but it's still pretty darned funny.
... joke...? ...reality...?
A little from column A, a little from column B.
Courtesy of crashfourit
As you might guess, Rush Limbaugh/Viagra jokes are in and on the air.
Found this on YouTube. I really miss the show "Shorties watching shorties"
I dont know if this has been previously posted but thought it was funny...
NBA OR NFL?
have been accused of spousal abuse
have been arrested for fraud
have been accused of writing bad checks
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
have done time for assault
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
have been arrested on drug-related charges
have been arrested for shoplifting
currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet? . . .
Neither, it's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
You gotta pass this one on!
Without a doubt, that will be my nomination for next year's best political joke. Thanks DeathAlive.
Liberal: The USA has fifty states.
Conservative: No, it doesn’t.
Liberal: Yes, it does. The USA has fifty states.
Conservative: What about Guam? What about that Guam, huh? Or the
Liberal: Those are territories, not states. The USA has fifty states.
Conservative: Oh, so you’re saying those don’t count?
Conservative: Oh, so the people there don’t count? They’re not good enough, huh? I thought you liberals wanted everybody to be counted.
Liberal: No, I said the territories don’t count as states. The USA has fifty states.
Conservative: You’re really something, you know that? You liberals are always going on about how all of us conservatives are racists, how we don’t care about anybody but people who look like us. But you don’t even want to count the blacks who live in Guam as Americans.
Liberal: First of all, I never said all conservatives are racists.
Conservative: Yes, you did.
Liberal: No, I didn’t.
Conservative: Michael Moore says it.
Liberal: I’ve never heard him say that.
Conservative: Yes, he does! He most definitely does!
Liberal: Look, I don’t know what he says. That’s beside the point. And the people in Guam “count,” whatever that means. I don’t even know who lives in Guam; I don’t know the first thing about Guam. I’m just saying Guam isn’t a state ¬ it’s a territory. The USA has fifty states.
Conservative: What about Puerto Rico?
Conservative: What about Puerto Rico, huh? You love all those Mexicans coming across the border stealing our jobs ¬ you must LOVE Puerto Rico, right?
Liberal: I’ve never been to Puerto Rico.
Conservative: Well, I have, and those kind of people would be pretty offended to hear liberals like you saying they aren’t real Americans!
Liberal: I didn’t say that!
Conservative: You said they didn’t count!
Liberal: I didn’t say that either! No, wait, just wait… (takes deep breath). I only said the USA has fifty states. Puerto Rico isn’t a state ¬ it’s a commonwealth.
Conservative: And they don’t speak English!
Liberal: Well, many Puerto Ricans do.
Conservative: How do you know that? I’ve been there ¬ you haven’t!
Liberal: All right, OK, fine, whatever. But the USA has fifty states.
Conservative: Well, I say Puerto Rico counts.
Liberal: Fine, but not as a state.
Conservative: Well, that’s YOUR opinion.
Liberal: It’s not my opinion ¬ it’s a fact.
Conservative: Says you!
Liberal: No, not just “says me.” It’s a fact. Look it up.
Conservative: I don’t have time.
Liberal: You don’t have time to find out if the USA has fifty states?
Conservative: Listen, you may have time to sit around all day surfing on your liberal websites, downloading Michael Moore, but I’ve got things to do.
Liberal: Like reading about blacks in Guam and Mexicans in Puerto Rico?
Conservative: See, that’s why you guys always lose. I’m trying to have a nice conversation, and you just keep up with the insults!
Liberal: Listen, I didn’t mean to insult you.
Conservative: Oh, yes you did!
Liberal: No, look, I’m sorry, OK? I didn’t mean to insult you. Honestly. It’s just that… well, the USA has fifty states. That’s a fact. And I’m just trying to state a fact, and you’re getting very defensive, and…
Conservative: Oh, so now I’m defensive.
Conservative: You just said you weren’t going to insult me!
Liberal: Look, I’m just trying to say the USA has fifty states!
Conservative: According to YOUR sources!
Liberal: MY sources?! What are you talking about? Look it up!
Conservative: I told you, I don’t have time to spend all day cruising the internet, looking up geography questions! Maybe if you were busier at your job, trying to live the American Dream, you wouldn’t have time for all this hate!
Liberal: I work hard at my job!
Conservative: Then why are you spending all day downloading Michael Moore?
Liberal: I don’t spend all day downloading Michael Moore! I don’t even know what you mean by that! All I’m saying is that the USA has fifty states!
Conservative: Again, according to YOU!
Liberal: Not just me! Here, here’s the World Book Encyclopedia. Look it up ¬ it’s fifty states!
Conservative: Oh, sure, the World Book! Yeah, like I’m going to believe the World Book!
Conservative: Come on, it’s a liberal rag!
Liberal: (Long, teeth-gnashing pause) Look, just look up “United States of America.” Ten bucks it says, “the USA has fifty states.”
Conservative: Ten bucks, huh?
Liberal: Yeah, ten bucks. (pause) Wait, that’s the “M” volume.
Conservative: I know.
Liberal: You need to look under “U” for “United States.”
Conservative: I’m not looking for “United States.” I’m looking for “Moore, Michael.”
Conservative: And when I find a big glowing article about him, you’re going to owe me ten bucks!
Liberal: Why would I owe you ten bucks?!
Conservative: You bet me ten bucks that the World Book Encyclopedia isn’t liberal.
Liberal: No I didn’t!
Conservative: Yes, you did! You bet me ten bucks that I couldn’t find a liberal article in the World Book. So when I find Michael Moore’s picture, you owe me ten bucks!
Liberal: Oh, my lord…
Liberal: Listen, you idiot, just because you found Michael Moore’s picture in the World Book doesn’t mean that I owe you ten bucks! It doesn’t mean the World Book is a liberal encyclopedia! And it certainly doesn’t mean the USA doesn’t have fifty states!!
Conservative: Oh, no? Look at this!
Liberal: (pause) “Massachusetts”?
Liberal: What the hell does Massachusetts have to do with anything?
Conservative: The COMMONWEALTH of Massachusetts!
Conservative: So you said Puerto Rico is a commonwealth!
Liberal: Oh, no…
Conservative: You ADMITTED Puerto Rico was a commonwealth! Admit it, you said it!
Liberal: Oh, man…
Conservative: So if Massachusetts is a commonwealth, and Puerto Rico is a commonwealth, then they BOTH must be states! HA!
Liberal: OK, look…
Conservative: You owe me twenty bucks!
Conservative: Come one, pay up! Twenty bucks, let’s go!
Liberal: I don’t owe you twenty bucks!
Conservative: And I’m not even counting Pennsylvania!
Conservative: That’s a commonwealth, too!
Liberal: It’s a commonwealth, but…
Conservative: And Washington!
Liberal: All right, look, I lived in Seattle ¬ Washington is NOT a commonwealth!
Conservative: Seattle’s not even a state ¬ it’s a city!
Liberal: Yes, it’s a city, in Washington State! Washington’s a state!
Conservative: I’m talking about Washington D.C.
Conservative: Washington D.C. It’s a city.
Liberal: I know what it is!
Conservative: Well, you liberals are always going on about “Statehood for Washington!” Which, you admit, is already a state!
Liberal: Washington D.C. is not a state!
Conservative: Washington State is!
Liberal: You just said Washington D.C.!
Conservative: And you said it should be a state!
Liberal: I never said that! I mean, it should be… but I never…look…
Conservative: Should Washington be a state?
Conservative: Simple question.
Liberal: Washington State?
Conservative: Yes or No?
Liberal: Washington State or Washington D.C.?
Conservative: He snorts cocaine.
(Long, painful pause)
Liberal: (slowly) This is Washington D.C. you’re talking about.
Conservative: Yeah. The mayor snorts cocaine.
Liberal: Actually, he’s no longer the mayor…
Conservative: I don’t think a state should have a governor who’s used drugs.
Liberal: He’s not the governor; Washington’s not a…
Conservative: Except maybe California.
Liberal: OK, OK, stop for a moment…
Conservative: I mean, that was a long time ago…
Liberal: Listen, listen…
Conservative: I don’t see Michael Moore making any movies about cocaine in Washington State, do you?
Liberal: Please, STOP!
Liberal: Look, I’m just trying to make a simple point here…
Conservative: What about…
Liberal: I’m just trying to make a SIMPLE point here. It’s not a big deal ¬ it’s just a fact. The USA has fifty states. That’s all! Yes, Puerto Rico is a commonwealth, but it isn’t counted among the fifty states. Yes, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania are commonwealths too. So are Virginia and, I think, Kentucky. I don’t know about Kentucky for sure, and you know what ¬ it doesn’t matter! They’re considered states, OK? They’re states. Washington D.C. isn’t one, even though I wish it was. Guam isn’t one. There are only fifty. Fifty states. Fifty stars on the flag ¬ fifty states. That’s all. Fifty.
Conservative: Rush is so right about you people.
Conservative: Rush. He gets it. You people are the worst.
Liberal: I don’t…
Conservative: Here I am, trying to have an honest political discussion, and all you can do is bring up this liberal claptrap! You call people like Rush racists, but you don’t want to count Mexicans as Americans. You insult the Governor of California every chance you get. You get all your information from encyclopedias and Michael Moore. You want free cocaine in Washington, and you want Seattle to become a commonwealth, and you won’t pay me my fifty dollars even after I proved that blacks run Guam! And then, worst of all, you insult our flag and our troops!!! You disgust me!
Conservative: See, there you liberals go again! Sneaking off to download porn from Kentucky! I’m not forgetting you owe me 100 dollars!
Conservative: That’s it, cut and run!
Conservative: Why do you hate America?
That was good Lesly. Are you tape recording my private conversations?? Cuz that could be considered wire tapping!!
Here's a funny satire piece: http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2006/07/rove_secretly_runs_the_new_yor.html
Thanks to Ed Naha at http://www.smirkingchimp.com/article.php?sid=26984&mode=&order=0 for finding out what really went on at G8.
Thanks to covert international sources and the voices in my head, I've been able to piece together the ENTIRE conversation that was picked up by the open mic. It's truly inspiring. (NOTE: a lot of this is verbatim from the open feed.) Enjoy.
Bush: (gnawing on a roll) Yo! Pooti-Poot. Wassup?
Putin: (under his breath) Not your IQ, alas.
Bush: Great grub. Ya gonna eat your roll?
Putin: Did you know I have the ability to kill a man using only my pinkies?
Bush: No [expletive deleted]. Are you a ninja?
Putin: I'm KGB.
Bush: You be cagey all right.
Putin: Russians are not ninjas. Ninjas are Japanese.
Bush: (turning to Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi) Hey, Elvis! Tora! Tora! Tora! You a ninja?
Koizumi: (grimacing) If only.
Bush: Gonna eat that roll?
Koizumi: (staring at Bush's open mouth) No. Suddenly I'm not hungry.
(Bush sees Germany's Angela Merkel sit down. He runs up to her.)
Bush: Hey, Angelareenaroo, want a neck rub?
Merkel: No, thank you.
Bush: A foot massage?
Merkel: No, thank you.
Bush: (sticking a finger in his mouth) How about a 'Wet Willy?'
Merkel: (as Bush grabs her wrist) NO! Ow! What are you doing?
Bush: We call this an Indian rope burn. Aheh-heh.
Merkel: (wresting free of Bush) Dumkoff!
Bush: You gonna eat that roll?
Merkel: Take it and go away.
Bush: (taking his seat and addressing Italy's Romano Prodi while chewing) Howzit hangin', Prodiman? How does it feel to live in a boot? People put their stinky feet in boots.
Prodi: Didn't your mother ever tell you not to chew with your mouth full?
Bush: Nope. She gave up after telling me not to blow up frogs. Gonna eat your roll?
Prodi: No. Idiota.
Presidential Aide: (walking up to Bush) Will you be making prepared closing remarks, Mr. President?
Bush: (chewing) Gnarph gomma madupluff.
Presidential Aide: Didn't quite catch that, sir. (A wad of roll is spat onto his forehead. He doesn't react.)
Bush: No. Just gonna make it up. Extraneous-like. I'm not going to talk too damn long like the rest of them. Some of these guys talk too long. Katrina had less wind than these guys.
(The Aide walks off, wiping his forehead clean.)
Bush: (turning to G8 guest President Hu Jintao of China) Gotta go home. Got something to do tonight. Go to the airport, get on the airplane and go home. How about you? Where are you going? Home? You go-eee home-eee?
Jintao: Yes. Stop drooling on my rolls.
Bush: This is your neighborhood. It doesn't take you long to get home. How long does it take you to get home?
Jintao: Eight hours.
Bush: Eight hours? Me too. Russia's a big country and you're a big country.
Jintao: Do I look like a friggin' country to you? Keep your mitts off my rolls.
Bush: (trying to grab one of Jintao's rolls but getting his hand swatted back, turns to Putin) It takes him eight hours to fly home.
Putin: Fascinating. You are a master of small talk.
(A waiter places a drink before Bush.)
Bush: No, Diet Coke. Diet Coke.
Waiter: No Coke. Just Pepsi.
Bush: Alright, alright. Diet Pepsi. (muttering) Commie heathen.
Bush: (to Putin) It takes him eight hours to fly home. Eight hours. Russia's big and so is China.
Putin: You really know your geography.
Bush: Damn straight.
(British Prime Minister Tony Blair approaches.)
Bush: Yo! Blair, what are you doing? You leaving?
Blair: No, no, no, not yet.
(Blair, standing over Bush as the president eats, tries to engage him on the stalled global trade negotiations.)
Blair: On this trade thing . . .
Bush: They can go screw.
Blair: I don't think that's the appropriate reaction, Master George. Perhaps you can make a hopeful statement?
Bush: (softening at being called "Master") If you want me to. I just want some movement. Yesterday, I didn't see much movement. The desire's to move.
Blair: No, no there's not. It may be that it's impossible.
Bush: I'll be glad to say it. Who's introducing me?
Bush: (licking his lips) Tell her to call on me. Tell her to put me on the spot.
(Bush then changes the subject, presumably to a gift Blair must have given him for his recent 60th birthday.)
Bush: Thanks for the sweater. Awfully thoughtful of you. I know you picked it out yourself, poodle-boy.
Blair: Oh, absolutely.
(Both of them laugh. Then Bush turns serious, asking Blair about comments apparently made about the Middle East crisis by U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, another guest at the summit.)
Bush: What about Kofi? That seems odd. I don't like the sequence of it. His attitude is basically cease-fire and (then) everything else happens. You know what I'm saying?
Blair: Yeah. No, I think -- the thing that's really difficult is we can't stop this unless you get this international presence agreed. Now, I know what you guys have talked about but it's the same thing.
Bush: (putting his hands up to his ears while chewing on a roll) Mmmmph, baflooie, nyah, nyah. I can't hear you.
Blair: I assume you'll be sending Condi to the scene immediately?
Bush: Did you know she was a classical pianoer? My sources say she doesn't have to go right away. I have the intel.
Blair: I don't see how reliable that is. But you need that done quickly.
Bush : Yeah, she's going. I think Condi's going to go pretty soon. A week. A year. I'm thinking about it. Did you eat your rolls?
Blair: Right. Well, that's, that's, that's all that matters. If you -- see, it'll take some time to get out there. But at least it gives people a --
Bush: A process, I agree. I told her your offer, too.
Blair: Well, it's only if it's -- I mean, you know, if she's gotta -- or if she needs the ground prepared, as it were. Obviously, if she goes out, she's got to succeed, as it were, whereas I can just go out and talk.
Bush: See, the irony is what they (Kofi and the UN) need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this [expletive deleted], and it's over.
Blair: Who, Syria?
Blair: I think this is all part of the same thing. What does he think?
Bush: He (Kofi) thinks if Lebanon turns out fine, if we get a solution in Israel and Palestine, Iraq goes in the right way, he's hunky-dory with it all. I mean, I told him that Democracy is on the march, freedom's spreading like a cancer and all the countries in the Middle East will soon be swapping spit like a coupla homos.
(Blair's jaw drops open and a wad of half-eaten roll lands on his nose.)
Bush: That's what this whole thing's about. It's the same with Iran.
Blair: How did Kofi react?
Bush: He replied in a foreign tongue. But I think I convinced him. He was so excited he was shouting. Then, he ran off. Probably to get the UN on the horn.
Blair: No doubt.
Bush: I felt like telling Kofi to get on the phone with Assad and make something happen. We're not blaming Israel. We're not blaming the Lebanese government.
(At this point, Blair notices the microphone.)
Blair: Master George! I believe your mic is on.
Bush: (laughing and leaning into the microphone) Aheh-heh. Yeah, right. Where do you think we are? America? (in dumb voice) Calling all cars! Calling all cars! The President of the Yoo-nited States has run out of rolls. Get rolls to table. 10-4! Stat!
(Blair sighs as a waiter brings Bush a bowl of soup. Bush digs in. He grimaces.)
Bush: Hey! My soup's cold!
Putin: It's borscht.
Bush: I'll say it's horse[expletive deleted]. No Coke and cold soup to boot.
(Standing up, ala Bluto Blutarsky in "Animal House," he yells.)
Bush: Fooooood fight!
(At that point, all video and audio recordings cease and the dawn of a new era of dignified American diplomacy begins. D'oh!)
This isn't exactly a joke, but it did become political...it went up and up the chain of command and might be sitting on Rumsfeld's desk now. Wouldn't you love to send this sort of message to your boss? I won't disclose the location of names, because it really did make a stink...
A string of e mail bombarded the fighter squadrons along with the rest of the base, originating from the Wing Commander (well, his desk clerk), requesting them to send a volunteer for the dunking booth fundraiser. Again and again the request was ignored, so they started receiving more e mails from around the base. Finally a German exchange pilot could take it no more and sent back this:
hope no one minds subtitles
Edited to add:
Sorry i forgot to add this link to show how much this little joke cost the ones who made it...
Not really a joke... But I thought this picture just dripped with Irony since this demonstration was coming from an area with the freedom to express ones views.
For what it's worth I thought it was funny and poignant, Bucket. My sick sense of serves me well.
Mike posted this one on his http://mikesblog.americasdebate.com/. He didn't attribute it to anyone else, so I will assume he came up with this gem himself.
You could write for The Onion, Mike. Excellent humor.
Not a joke, but funny as hell. I wonder if he'll succeed?
Edited to remove image in accordance with forum http://www.americasdebate.com/?page=rules
In the Truth is Stranger Than Fiction department, I saw a 'GOP, Grand Oil Party' bumper sticker in Dallas today....on the back of a Dodge Durango SUV with a Hemi engine.
Edited to remove image in accordance with forum http://www.americasdebate.com/?page=rules.
Ann Coulter http://news.yahoo.com/comics/nonsequitur.
Maybe its just me, but http://thepeoplescube.com/spread/Laika_banner_store.gif made me laugh until I cried.
Coulter is dissed on Fox. It made me laugh. http://movies.crooksandliars.com/H-C-Coulter-cries.wmv http://movies.crooksandliars.com/H-C-Coulter-crie.mov
One of the funniest things I've read recently - http://digbysblog.blogspot.com/2006_08_01_digbysblog_archive.html#115652053968368724. This was posted in response to the right wing reaction about Plan B:
Open Vanity Fair's link. Scroll down to big red letters Mortholution.
Slide the arrow from left to right to see the many faces of Homeland Security Secretary, Michael Chertoff.
It's good to know corporate giants like Hewlett Packard are supporting the boys in Iraq. This soldier's frustration brings back memories of Elvis shooting televisions.
The 23rd Sigh, a Post Election Psalm
Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,
I will find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy term,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.
Forgive me international posters! /duck
Terror alert levels across Europe
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Little Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Little Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." (The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate.") This rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
This is hilarious.
Regulate your blood pressure. http://www.comedycentral.com/sitewide/media_player/play.jhtml?itemId=75816.
The follow-up to his 'hit job' from Chris Wallace, courtesy of the tonight show.
I hope linking this joke isn't premature. I figure if imagining hawt cyboRz with Katherine Harris made my side ache from laughter the half time diversion can't be totally evil: http://wertz.livejournal.com/210715.html.
That is pure comedy gold. Wertz is on his game.
Here's a video from last night's Countdown (Olbermann had the night off) showing Republicans in full shift the blame mode - uh, sort of like here yesterday.
Click the link and then the pic of Rush with that damned smelly cigar.
I just got this in an email from a frneid.
Ratbert must not be reading AD
This whole webpage is quite a spoof.
O'Reilly takes on Letterman while hawking the culture warrior's nonfiction fantasy.
You do have to pull up the ending to get the whole thing.
And I'm not so sure this is funny. Is there tragic humor?
Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday.
She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him
to mispronounce over 200 words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he just
'says' the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."
"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."
Uh-oh. Now that Colorado has turned into a blue state, we have to change our name:
Quillen's spot on.
Sen. Robert Byrd sleeping during a speech on Iraq. Or maybe he's listening really really hard.
Kramer vs. Kramer Lots of ironic humor here.
I wish I could pastehttp://www.extrememortman.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/Katherine%20Harris%202.jpg here. A perfectly positioned blanket, for a perfectly awful campaign. Good looking horse, though...
(the light side of the resistance)
I'm glad Barney is tending to the emotional needs of our troops. A true patriotic...dog!
For all the money spent on the campaigns, how come we always end up with such poor choices. I guess $1 billion doesn't buy what it used to.
If Next pic comes up look at #9.
Can't remember where I heard this, but :
Q: What is the correct pronunciation of the President of Iran's last name?
A: I'm on a Jihad.
Silly me. I thought all this time it was "I'm in need of a jihad".
Found this on a gamer's board.
Political cartoonists weigh in on Barack http://cagle.msnbc.msn.com/news/ObamaObama/main.asp
Due to all the lawsuits in the news these days.
Dedicated to certain atheists who seem determined to make us look like we're insane by filing stupid lawsuit after lawsuit over the dumbest things, Take it from an agnostic, guys relax already,
An aetheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Aetheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?"
The aetheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord Amen."
OK, another not-really-a-joke, but this tickled my funny bone:
There seems to be a lot of buzz about both the Oscar nominees and the potential presidential nominess, so I entertained myself with http://wertz.livejournal.com/213843.html.
I was just going through youtube when I found this old but still hilarious Dutch commercial featuring Bill Clinton.
Hillary Clinton was spending the morning at a primary school in
Ithaca, New York to talk to the children about her job as a US Senator.
After her talk, she offered question time. One little boy puts up
his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions:
First - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed
And third - Whatever happened to all the stuff you and President
Clinton took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rang for recess.
Hillary Clinton informed the kids that they would continue after
When they resumed, Hillary said, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's
right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy raised his hand; the esteemed Senator from
New York pointed him out and asked him what his name is.
"And what is your question?"
"I have five questions:
First - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed
Third - Whatever happened to all the stuff you and President
Clinton took when you left the White House?
Fourth - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And fifth - What happened to Kenneth?"
Lesly, are you sure that's a joke?
I believe that might be a direct copy of the actual plan.
Out The Window
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
Last week was the week that was and unfortunately still is.
The best President Bush impersonator:
I'ts in Flash, might require Flash install. Depends on what you're running.
George W. Bush's Resume
George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, D.C. 20500
Past Work Experience
Ran for congress and lost.
Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
With father's help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.
Accomplishments in Previous Positions
Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
Set record for most executions by any governor in American history.
Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.
Accomplishments As President
Attacked and took over two countries.
Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
Set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any other president in U.S. history.
In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in U.S. history.
Presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history (the 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleezza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
First president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
First president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in U.S. history.
First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the human rights commission.
First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.
Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
My biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
First president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
With a policy of 'disengagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
Fist U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
First U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive.'
Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.
Entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.
Records and References
At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available)
AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (they can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)
Source: Kelley Kramer
OMG Looms... you're killing me!
From Wertz's blog, http://wertz.livejournal.com/215793.html. I agree.
I have the distinguished honor of being named to the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument to George W. Bush. I am contacting you in hopes you will be willing to contribute to this noble cause. But first, a little about what the committee has been doing to date.
We originally wanted to put him on Mount Rushmore until we discovered that there was not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington, DC Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, since George could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest republican of all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, decimated the well-being of the majority of the population while he was there, and did it all on someone else's money.
George W. Bush Monument Committee
The Committee has raised $1.35 so far; so please be generous.
In their day, both Albert Einstein and will Rogers were much revered and often recommended by their admirers for president of the United States. Einstein said his worst mistake was saying there should be a special new term added to his General Theory of Relativity equations of gravitation. What would Will Rogers have said his greatest mistake was?
Answer: It would have been his saying "All I know is what I read in the newspapers!"
Here's a hilarious video from MadTV called "The IRack from Apple.
This isn't political, but I thought it was so funny, I had to share it.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to
pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and
reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times
as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by
a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to
let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed
hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all
over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
How do you read a "political" newspaper?
Answer 1: From back to front and fine print to bold print. That's the only route to reliable truth!
Answer 2: The same way you read the funny papers.
Mac's new product seems revolutionary the http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuEDwcfJPSk.
This is a POLITICAL joke topic.
The http://www.americasdebate.com/?page=rules clearly forbid:
§B. Prohibited Items
I. Inflammatory or hateful comments related to race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, or age.
Let's keep it that way please.
A friend recently sent me this one:
Seems that former President William J. Clinton has been seen with Italian supermodel, Aprile Pazzo, on several occasions. When asked about the relationship, former President Clinton responded:
"What I did in the White House wasn't so wrong, and if I had a chance to do it again, it'd be with Aprile and not in the same place, and she wouldn't be wearing a blue dress."
Ms. Pazzo responded in Itallian, which loosely translates to: "Blue is not my color, and who wears clothes while having sex anyway? Is that an American thing or what? Do you shower that way? What is wrong with you people?"
A great audio clip about the nation's fixation with Obama.
There is a cure for both global warming and the population explosion!
It's called Nuclear Winter and it both cools and depopulates.
But first you have to start a war with a "Weapons of Mass Destruction" theme.
Well, I've been thinking.... that the current debate in Congress and the White House (collectively speaking) boils down to one cliche known to many who worked with old IBM compatibles.....
"Abort, Retry, Fail?"
Not sure if this one has been on the thread yet:
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to
> recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from
> "Miffed" to "Peeved."
> Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet
> again to "Irritated" or
> even "A Bit Cross."
> Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
> blitz in 1940 when tea
> supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
> re-categorized from
> "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time
> the British issued a
> "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great
> fire of 1666.
> Also the French government announced yesterday that
> it has raised its
> terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only
> two higher levels in
> France are "Surrender" and Collaborate." The rise
> was precipitated by a
> recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
> factory, effectively
> paralyzing the country's military capability.
> It's not only the English and French that are on a
> heightened level of
> alert. Italy has increased the alert level from
> "Shout Loudly and
> Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two
> more levels remain.
> "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
> The Germans also increased their alert state from
> "Disdainful Arrogance"
> to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They
> also have two higher
> levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
> Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as
> usual, and the only
> threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
> The Spanish are all excited to see their new
> submarines ready to deploy.
> These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms
> so the new Spanish
> navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish
What's the most distorted typo or misquote of any recent public persons?
It was Hillary's answer to the question (e.g. book Hell to Pay), "What do you most want to do?, which was, "I want to run something". It should have been "I want to ruin something."
The liberal media's neoliberal http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/6017/friedmannx9.jpg. Damn you, liberal media!
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