Hello! I am Just Leave me Alone! What’s up with the name? I’m not talking to you per se, unless you are trying to hamper me from obtaining my goals. Mind you, one of my goals is to become a real life Peter Pan.

I’m 26 and have been married for just over 2 years. My wife is beautiful, smart, successful, and everything I need. Some guys will tell you that their wives are everything they ever want. Those guys are either lying, or they have set really low goals for themselves.

I have an older brother. He is a United States Marine, cum laude law school graduate, single, and a complete maniac. He just got back from Iraq. I am very proud of him. We are very similar, and yet we have taken completely different roads in life. I often find myself jealous of his adventurous life, and I think that he is often jealous of the domesticated stability of my life. Not to say that my life has not had its adventures…

One time when I was 12, I was dating this 13 year old girl - pimp daddy that I was. Well, like all adolescents I didn’t want my parents hassling me about my little girlfriend, so I kept things quiet. When the summertime hit, I had no way to go see her though. So, mental giant that I was, I devised a plan. I would sneak out at 1 AM and ride my bike the 6 miles to meet her. Of course, I wanted to take the quickest route so that she wouldn’t be waiting too long on me. So I snuck out of the house, hopped on my bike, and proceeded straight to the highway. I have no idea what the truckers must have been thinking watching some skinny little kid riding his bicycle on the shoulder. Actually, I do know what one thought because he pulled over and yelled “Get off’r the road boy!” Sound advise. Genius that I was though, I knew that my plan was foolproof. Only another couple miles, and I’m there in the sweet arms of my little lady. About five minutes later, boom! I am covered in light. A spot light to be exact. I look up to see not one, but two cop cars – red and blues flashing. Apparently, derelict 12 year olds riding their bike on the highway is a serious police threat. We need backup! The cops get out, and with God as my witness I swear the first one says to me, “Can I see your license son?” Pause here to let that sink in. Would I be on my BIKE if I had a license?!! To make a long story short, the police took me home, I spent the rest of the summer weeding the flower beds and painting the shed(three times), and I never did get to see my girl.

I have been to a Mexican strip club. Enough said there. Just for the record, going there was not my idea. Actually, I’ve been to two Mexican strip clubs. I’m really not sure whose idea the second one was.

Music: in short, my CD collection is boring. If I could only keep 3 albums, they would be CCR’s greatest hits, Tom Petty’s greatest hits, and Bob Marley’s greatest hits. I do love the Black Crowes though. I have one embarrassing CD. Mariah Carrey’s Fantasy single. Don’t laugh. I love that single. My old high school buddy and I used to ride around in his 1970’s gray van with the shag carpet in the back and a stereo worth more than the van itself blaring that album. Seat dancing and doing the cabbage patch like idiots. You know my buddy too. The one with the big blonde Afro who loves kung-fu flicks. We spent our time chasing after the hottest of the hot chicks, and surely annoying the crap out of them in the process. Then we discovered private school girls and life got a whole lot better real fast!

I have shot a gun, but never an animal. Except for one time when I was 9, I shot a bird with my BB gun. Didn’t kill it, but I didn’t like the feeling. My father saw me too. He took the BB gun away, and scolded me for cruelty to animals. A year later he shot a woodpecker with the same BB gun because it was keeping him up at night.

I went to a small, Protestant college where we had to go to church and none of the dorms were coed. I’m Catholic. I had no clue that there was really any difference between Protestant and Catholic until all of the Protestants there informed me that I was going to hell. I wasn’t really a bad guy either I thought. I played games and did a Bible study once a week with kids at the juvenile detention center. Well I did, until during my second year a kid asked me if he would have to give up partying and drinking if he were saved. I said, “To some extent, but you don’t become perfect overnight just because you are Christian. I still drink and have a good time. God will forgive you for a few indiscretions if you truly feel bad about it.” This apparently was not the right answer. I was summarily banned from volunteer mission work by my fellow volunteers afterwards because I was “Setting a bad example”, and because “Missionaries are held to a higher standard.” Needless to say, that experience left a bad taste in my mouth, and I have held the ‘Christian right, moral values’ people in some distain ever since.

Speaking of bad examples, have you ever gotten drunk with your father? I did once. I was 17, my brother was home from college, and the power had gone out. Nothing better to do. Lets go buy a case. And I’ll tell you what, it was a good time. Mom was bloody mad though, which made the whole thing even funnier. 6 months later she renounced Catholicism and joined a Protestant Church.

Op ed guys I like to read and usually agree with(in order): George Will, Tom Friedman, Joe Klein, and John Leo. I love Tom Toles cartoons too.

Harmless practical jokes are by far the funniest. At the school I went to, they were essential to survival. Some of my favorites include: walking through the cafeteria with ski masks on pretending to steal your own TV, posting flyers all over campus(we’re talking hundreds here) with Crazy insert roommate name here’s CD Bonanza offering a list of his collection for $1 a piece and his number prominently displayed, and repelling down the side of the dorms to ask the guy on the second floor if he has any toothpaste.

I have been tossed in jail. Enough said there. Just for the record, what got me arrested was not my idea. Actually, I’ve been tossed in the slammer twice. I’m really not sure whose idea got me there the second time. Don’t worry, I was never in for more than a day, and I haven’t been arrested in over 4 years! PS – Jail Sucks. Want to truly appreciate freedom? Try jail!

I read the Sunday funnies and the baseball box scores during Sunday morning breakfast. Most of the time I clip the coupons too. My wife calls me “Grandma” for doing this. I usually retort with “Snob”. Routine can be a good thing.

I lived in my car for about a week when I was 23. I didn’t really have to, but I didn’t really have any other option either. I showered at the YMCA in the morning, got dressed, and went to work. My best friend’s response to the news, “What do you eat?” I told him that I cooked in the park with my portable butane cooker, to which he says “Oh! That’s cool!” Like there was nothing unusual about the whole thing. He’s still my best friend for a reason.

I once bought a 1958 Thunderbird for my father as a gift. Drove it five hours to get it home. My father wouldn’t accept it though because he “couldn’t let me spend all of my hard earned money on him like that.” Then, literally 10 minutes later he tells me that if the car “had been ‘57 or a two door, I would have kept it.”

I’ve been skydiving. I love repelling. I’m afraid of heights.

I once bet my hair on a football game. And lost. The next year I bet my hair on the same game. And lost. Good news though. No birthmarks or deformities on my head(the outside anyway).

I once drove 26 hours straight, by myself. After a long discussion with my ex-girlfriend, she concluded that we would never get back together again. So it’s 3 AM, I must be lonely. I call my employer and leave a message saying that I’m not going to be in for a few weeks, and then I drive cross country. America is a great place and I saw a lot of stuff. I read Sun Tzu’s The Art of War while in the desert. Then I drove home. After 18 hours on the road I tried to stop at a hotel, but they were all full. I drove the last 8 hours just to spite the entire hotel industry. That’ll show ‘em! By the way, that ex-girlfriend is my wife.

Well that’s most of the dirty laundry. This is getting too long and I need to save stuff for later. I believe that it’s our experiences that make us who we are. So I’m here to say, “Go ahead! Be an Idiot!” People will criticize you, but you can’t listen to them. Just remember, no guts – no glory. Balls over brains. And most importantly, anything worth having is worth suffering for.


Edited to remove curse. Tsk tsk.

I'll add that Mike and I had the opportunity to chat with JLMA on the phone (arising from events that transpired in the chat on the 1st). He has a very charming accent, but I won't say from where because he didn't

I can't even imagine that my life is going to contain things like that stuff. Wow. That's all I'll say. Wow.

Thanks. I think. The whole thing was meant to be funny, but the stories are true. I left a lot of the worst/irony filled stories out. These are people's favorites though. I was basically looking for a way to tell you everything about me, without actually telling you hardly anything about me. Did it work?

Any harmless practical jokes on your end bling? Another one of my more recent favorites is finding out where your buddy is playing golf on his day off, and then sneaking out there at 3AM to randomly scatter those oversized marshmallows all over the course. After spending the day mistaking marshmallows for his ball, he'll be complaining to anyone who will listen. Try not give laugh and confess.