Full Version: Touchy family gathering
You are at a gathering at your sister-in-law's house. You are eating supper with their family, and your brother's family. Your brother's child(aged 15) starts making inappropriate comments of a *personal* nature in a joking manner towards you.
Questions for debate:
1.)Do you have the right to object to what the child is saying?
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
Questions for debate:
1.)Do you have the right to object to what the child is saying?
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
Moved to Casual Conversation since this asks us to explore our feelings and is not a debate. 
Excellent questions...
My ex-wife would always have a problem when I corrected my nieces and nephews, especially if it was at their house. She said it was none of my business to correct their children.
I, of course, disagreed, saying that it was every adult's responsibility to correct children who are acting inappropriately.
1.)Do you have the right to object to what the child is saying?
Clearly anyone has the right to object when they are the subject of inappropriate comments or behavior. Had you simply witnessed it happening to someone else, then the matter becomes more debateable, but I'd still say that adults should say something.
Depending upon what was said, I might deflect the comment saying something like "It's not polite to talk about that..." or "It's none of your business" also in a joking manner. It depends on the precise situation.
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
That's a tricky one. If their parents say it's ok, should you object? I'd say mildly. That's a delicate balance. I think I'd say something like "I wouldn't let my kids say that to an adult". Of course, I've gotten into arguments with my wife over just this sort of thing.
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
Most likely, I would deflect the question. If it persisted, I would become more corrective. Sometimes kids like to push the boundaries to see how far they can go. Depending on the kid (and your relationship with them), the answer changes.
My ex-wife would always have a problem when I corrected my nieces and nephews, especially if it was at their house. She said it was none of my business to correct their children.
I, of course, disagreed, saying that it was every adult's responsibility to correct children who are acting inappropriately.
1.)Do you have the right to object to what the child is saying?
Clearly anyone has the right to object when they are the subject of inappropriate comments or behavior. Had you simply witnessed it happening to someone else, then the matter becomes more debateable, but I'd still say that adults should say something.
Depending upon what was said, I might deflect the comment saying something like "It's not polite to talk about that..." or "It's none of your business" also in a joking manner. It depends on the precise situation.
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
That's a tricky one. If their parents say it's ok, should you object? I'd say mildly. That's a delicate balance. I think I'd say something like "I wouldn't let my kids say that to an adult". Of course, I've gotten into arguments with my wife over just this sort of thing.
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
Most likely, I would deflect the question. If it persisted, I would become more corrective. Sometimes kids like to push the boundaries to see how far they can go. Depending on the kid (and your relationship with them), the answer changes.
1.)Do you have the right to object to what the child is saying? Absolutely. I correct other's children sometimes. We aren't around family enough to encounter this sort of thing, but if a friend's child's behavior is disrespectful, I correct them. I also expect (and want) others to correct my children if they are being rude.
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop? It depends on the comment made, so it's hard for me to answer this one. I'll assume it was pretty rude. He might feel that it is fine to raise his child to be disrespectful, but you (I'm assuming) are raising your children to be respectful, and they aren't tucked away in a box, they are learning from the behaviors of those around them. So, at the point at which the brother said this to me, I'd publicly praise my children for behaving well (in front of the brother and his child). Very rough example: "I'm so proud of you, A and B, for being respectful to others, unlike your cousin C. I sure am glad I don't have to worry about you saying things like that..especially by the time you're that old!" Ect. Then, I'd probably drop it. That's about all you can do to both teach your own children and play the shame card (shame works well, when it is warranted).
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop? It depends on the comment made, so it's hard for me to answer this one. I'll assume it was pretty rude. He might feel that it is fine to raise his child to be disrespectful, but you (I'm assuming) are raising your children to be respectful, and they aren't tucked away in a box, they are learning from the behaviors of those around them. So, at the point at which the brother said this to me, I'd publicly praise my children for behaving well (in front of the brother and his child). Very rough example: "I'm so proud of you, A and B, for being respectful to others, unlike your cousin C. I sure am glad I don't have to worry about you saying things like that..especially by the time you're that old!" Ect. Then, I'd probably drop it. That's about all you can do to both teach your own children and play the shame card (shame works well, when it is warranted).
Yes, I have the right to object to inappropriate comments expressed to me by a 15-year-old. I would also expect my child to be corrected if she were the one making the inappropriate comments. Am I supposed to not correct the child, knowing that the behavior will continue into adulthood if I don't? Don't think so.
To the comment, "That is how they are raised," I would reply that they still have to get along in this world and they need to know that some things will not be tolerated by others outside of their immediate family. I would also state that a good guideline to follow is not to say something that you would not like to hear from someone else directed toward you.
To the comment, "That is how they are raised," I would reply that they still have to get along in this world and they need to know that some things will not be tolerated by others outside of their immediate family. I would also state that a good guideline to follow is not to say something that you would not like to hear from someone else directed toward you.
I guess it depends on what the *personal* comments were. You said it was in a joking manner, so it would depend upon what made the comments inappropriate in the first place.
My step-father's family is full of extremely rude and insensitive kids. That's how they were raised (my step-dad, I think, must have been raised by someone else because he's so different from the entire rest of his family). I don't think I have any right to tell the parents how to raise their kids (nor does my step-dad), but if they made comments directed toward me that I was really offended by to the point that I was uncomfortable, I would probably ignore them. Confronting them isn't going to do much good, IMO. Now, I happen to be against physical discipline, any it really ticks me off when someone tells me that I should be spanking my daughter if/when she's misbehaving.
If they're doing something extremely horrible, then sure, confront the kids. But if it's just something that you find inappropriate, there's nothing wrong with a simple "I don't find that funny and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't make these jokes about me" without implying that the way the parents have raised their kids is 'wrong'. Not everyone has the same idea of what's 'wrong' and 'inappropriate' so objecting on a personal level is completely fine...but correcting them (as in, you shouldn't act like that) is out of line, IMHO.
My step-father's family is full of extremely rude and insensitive kids. That's how they were raised (my step-dad, I think, must have been raised by someone else because he's so different from the entire rest of his family). I don't think I have any right to tell the parents how to raise their kids (nor does my step-dad), but if they made comments directed toward me that I was really offended by to the point that I was uncomfortable, I would probably ignore them. Confronting them isn't going to do much good, IMO. Now, I happen to be against physical discipline, any it really ticks me off when someone tells me that I should be spanking my daughter if/when she's misbehaving.
If they're doing something extremely horrible, then sure, confront the kids. But if it's just something that you find inappropriate, there's nothing wrong with a simple "I don't find that funny and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't make these jokes about me" without implying that the way the parents have raised their kids is 'wrong'. Not everyone has the same idea of what's 'wrong' and 'inappropriate' so objecting on a personal level is completely fine...but correcting them (as in, you shouldn't act like that) is out of line, IMHO.
1.)Do you have the right to object to what the child is saying?
This is an easy one for me...since I don't see the fact that it is a child as relevant. Do you or do you not have the right to object when someone says something inappropriate to you? Of course you do. The only time the fact that this is a child becomes relevant is in what happens after your initial objections.
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
Depends on how strongly you object. I would also say at this point your comments need to be directed at the parent not the child, especially with younger children. It is NOT your role to be their parent, particularly if their parent seems to have different guidelines than you do.
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
Haven't been there...but have been on the opposite end. My daughter merely asked someone where they were going. He didn't feel children need to inquire about what adults are doing. I told him it was fine for her to ask, he could choose whether to answer or not. Sounds reasonable doesn't it? Seems like at the point I've conveyed how I want my daughter to behave? He then decided he needed to educate my child on proper behaviour, contradicting me, right while I was there. I found this HIGHLY inappropriate.
I guess I would say that leaving the situation is always a solution. Trying to step in and 'parent' is tricky...probably ok up to a level, but you can easily overstep your bounds.
This is an easy one for me...since I don't see the fact that it is a child as relevant. Do you or do you not have the right to object when someone says something inappropriate to you? Of course you do. The only time the fact that this is a child becomes relevant is in what happens after your initial objections.
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
Depends on how strongly you object. I would also say at this point your comments need to be directed at the parent not the child, especially with younger children. It is NOT your role to be their parent, particularly if their parent seems to have different guidelines than you do.
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
Haven't been there...but have been on the opposite end. My daughter merely asked someone where they were going. He didn't feel children need to inquire about what adults are doing. I told him it was fine for her to ask, he could choose whether to answer or not. Sounds reasonable doesn't it? Seems like at the point I've conveyed how I want my daughter to behave? He then decided he needed to educate my child on proper behaviour, contradicting me, right while I was there. I found this HIGHLY inappropriate.
I guess I would say that leaving the situation is always a solution. Trying to step in and 'parent' is tricky...probably ok up to a level, but you can easily overstep your bounds.
1.)Do you have the right to object to what the child is saying?
No pun intended but child is a relative term. A teenager and a six year old are different creatures. I would take mom and dad out of the equation if I felt I was being dealt with inappropriately and talk to the "Child" directly. I think this would be easier for me because this is already what I do for a living. As I high school teacher I try to deal directly and honestly with my students. I think teenagers are more like in-between-agers. Sometimes they must be treated like adults. Most of the time they should be treated like adults until things get really serious and mature.
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
I, like Amlord, would probably get in trouble with my spouse because I would likely not let it drop without a clear (non-violent) message to the 15 year-old.
If his father got in the middle I would probably explain how the comment made me feel and why I thought it was inappropriate. We are both adults and entitled to our opinions.
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
See above. but it would have to be a pretty overtly outrageous comment for me to stir up a social occasion. Boys will be boys. A look would probably suffice.
No pun intended but child is a relative term. A teenager and a six year old are different creatures. I would take mom and dad out of the equation if I felt I was being dealt with inappropriately and talk to the "Child" directly. I think this would be easier for me because this is already what I do for a living. As I high school teacher I try to deal directly and honestly with my students. I think teenagers are more like in-between-agers. Sometimes they must be treated like adults. Most of the time they should be treated like adults until things get really serious and mature.
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
I, like Amlord, would probably get in trouble with my spouse because I would likely not let it drop without a clear (non-violent) message to the 15 year-old.
If his father got in the middle I would probably explain how the comment made me feel and why I thought it was inappropriate. We are both adults and entitled to our opinions.
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
See above. but it would have to be a pretty overtly outrageous comment for me to stir up a social occasion. Boys will be boys. A look would probably suffice.
1.)Do you have the right to object to what the child is saying?
As a general rule of thumb, yes, you have the right to object, but whether or not you get the back-up of your brother & sister-in-law depends on what it was the kid was saying.
If, for the sake of argument, you are bald, and the kid made some "funny" comment about your baldness, the comment was certainly inappropriate and impolite, but I can't see that it's as bad as them saying something that's NOT based in fact.
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
There and then in front of the kid, perhaps. Certainly once you've said something like "I still don't think it was an appropriate thing to say to me over dinner, but just as you please. We should talk about this later."
After all, it's possible (though I do not suggest "likely") that the child was just parroting to your face what his parents say about you behind your back. The father's response makes me think that, more than anything else.
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
It's hard to imagine since I have no siblings, and the kids of my friends are all still too young for this to be a problem (yet).
The British sense of humour is both more cruel (i.e. based on laughing AT people) and more self-deprecating than my experience of America, so my first instinct would normally be to make a joke back - either about myself, or about the braces/acne/breaking voice of the ill-mannered little oik.
As a general rule of thumb, yes, you have the right to object, but whether or not you get the back-up of your brother & sister-in-law depends on what it was the kid was saying.
If, for the sake of argument, you are bald, and the kid made some "funny" comment about your baldness, the comment was certainly inappropriate and impolite, but I can't see that it's as bad as them saying something that's NOT based in fact.
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
There and then in front of the kid, perhaps. Certainly once you've said something like "I still don't think it was an appropriate thing to say to me over dinner, but just as you please. We should talk about this later."
After all, it's possible (though I do not suggest "likely") that the child was just parroting to your face what his parents say about you behind your back. The father's response makes me think that, more than anything else.
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
It's hard to imagine since I have no siblings, and the kids of my friends are all still too young for this to be a problem (yet).
The British sense of humour is both more cruel (i.e. based on laughing AT people) and more self-deprecating than my experience of America, so my first instinct would normally be to make a joke back - either about myself, or about the braces/acne/breaking voice of the ill-mannered little oik.
I have a bit of experience with unruly neighbor children, rather than those related to me. In one place I lived, I became a bit upset that the other neighbors didn't warn me when we first started looking at the house we bought. Talking to the parents did no good. Eventually, the children were banned from our property.
If parents will not respond to complaints about their children's behavior, and you are on their property, then I would suggest leaving. It makes a statement.
If they are on your property, and the parents won't act when asked to do so, invite the whole family to leave. That also makes a statement.
For those who think that "it takes a village to raise a child", I submit that the village elders should then have a say in who gets to have children. Certainly when the town drunk and the village idiot apply for permission to have a child, the rest of us should at least be forewarned and have an opportunity to voice our opinions on the matter.
If parents will not respond to complaints about their children's behavior, and you are on their property, then I would suggest leaving. It makes a statement.
If they are on your property, and the parents won't act when asked to do so, invite the whole family to leave. That also makes a statement.
For those who think that "it takes a village to raise a child", I submit that the village elders should then have a say in who gets to have children. Certainly when the town drunk and the village idiot apply for permission to have a child, the rest of us should at least be forewarned and have an opportunity to voice our opinions on the matter.
You are at a gathering at your sister-in-law's house. You are eating supper with their family, and your brother's family. Your brother's child(aged 15) starts making inappropriate comments of a *personal* nature in a joking manner towards you.
Nebraska, a 15-year-old is a teenager, not a child. As a teen, 15-year-olds tend to be the most crazy due to various reasons, mostly chemical, partly societal.
So with this in mind, a 15-year-old makes jokes about something personal to me. What do I do? First off, remind myself that this person is crazy. Logic won't work.
Second off, the crazy teen is looking for an adult rise, either anger or embarassment. You see, that's what the teen is experiencing all the time, and the only logic to this is an attempt at emotional transer so that everyone else will get to feel miserable too. Keeping this in mind, I would:
1) Not say a word about the personal joke, maybe chuckle a little.
2) Think of something to ask the teen, like how's school? Make it as disconnected as possible, but something in which the teen has interest. Paying attention to teens is very important.
3) If that doesn't change the subject and intent, then try to think of a statement that is really disconnected. Something like, "All plants have roots, I do believe." I'd be looking for creating confusion here, possibly leading things into talk about how some plants maybe don't have roots. Algae doesn't.
4) If nothing works, excuse myself from the table, walk outside, get into my car and leave. Just kidding, but if the situation gets way out of hand, as it use to at my family gatherings around the holidays, leaving might make sense.
Except back then the crazy people were adults! Whew, don't ever want to do that again.
Anyway, leaving might come off as an insult to your hosts, so make a phone call to let them know that a small emergency came up: Your head was about to explode, and you didn't want the skull fragments to damage the darling little 15-year-old who deserved it so much.
If anyone gets upset over that, leave and keep on going. There are happier pastures out there. You get to select your friends, not your family.
Nebraska, a 15-year-old is a teenager, not a child. As a teen, 15-year-olds tend to be the most crazy due to various reasons, mostly chemical, partly societal.
So with this in mind, a 15-year-old makes jokes about something personal to me. What do I do? First off, remind myself that this person is crazy. Logic won't work.
Second off, the crazy teen is looking for an adult rise, either anger or embarassment. You see, that's what the teen is experiencing all the time, and the only logic to this is an attempt at emotional transer so that everyone else will get to feel miserable too. Keeping this in mind, I would:
1) Not say a word about the personal joke, maybe chuckle a little.
2) Think of something to ask the teen, like how's school? Make it as disconnected as possible, but something in which the teen has interest. Paying attention to teens is very important.
3) If that doesn't change the subject and intent, then try to think of a statement that is really disconnected. Something like, "All plants have roots, I do believe." I'd be looking for creating confusion here, possibly leading things into talk about how some plants maybe don't have roots. Algae doesn't.
4) If nothing works, excuse myself from the table, walk outside, get into my car and leave. Just kidding, but if the situation gets way out of hand, as it use to at my family gatherings around the holidays, leaving might make sense.
Except back then the crazy people were adults! Whew, don't ever want to do that again.
Anyway, leaving might come off as an insult to your hosts, so make a phone call to let them know that a small emergency came up: Your head was about to explode, and you didn't want the skull fragments to damage the darling little 15-year-old who deserved it so much.
If anyone gets upset over that, leave and keep on going. There are happier pastures out there. You get to select your friends, not your family.
Questions for debate:
1.)Do you have the right to object to what the child is saying?
- Yes. If the child is speaking to you or addressing his comments towards you, then heck yea you can object to it.
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
- If your brother can't step up, then you need to tell him that you are bothered by that sort of discussion, question, potty mouth, whatever, and that you'd like it to stop.
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
- If the parent is in the room, I ask the child to repeat what he/she siad for their parents. Then I mention that I don't appreciate the question/statement and see what follows. If the parents aren't there, I ask the child if they'd like me to go and get their parents so that they can repeat what was said. Everything has a consequence, and kids need to understand that their words have effects as well as their actions.
1.)Do you have the right to object to what the child is saying?
- Yes. If the child is speaking to you or addressing his comments towards you, then heck yea you can object to it.
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
- If your brother can't step up, then you need to tell him that you are bothered by that sort of discussion, question, potty mouth, whatever, and that you'd like it to stop.
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
- If the parent is in the room, I ask the child to repeat what he/she siad for their parents. Then I mention that I don't appreciate the question/statement and see what follows. If the parents aren't there, I ask the child if they'd like me to go and get their parents so that they can repeat what was said. Everything has a consequence, and kids need to understand that their words have effects as well as their actions.
1.)Do you have the right to object to what the child is saying?
For the sake of everyone in the room (the child included), you have the right to say something. I believe you must put people back in their place if the subject hurts you.
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
No. Because that's not the way I was raised. If you don't set limits, the kid will not learn them and he/she will result into a social misfit later. If you hear a wifebeater telling you that he beats his wife because "that's the way he was raised", you won't think it's normal. Then why should the kid's behavior be tolerated now?
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
Speak my mind up. If I see that no one cares, I'll just leave the house.
For the sake of everyone in the room (the child included), you have the right to say something. I believe you must put people back in their place if the subject hurts you.
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
No. Because that's not the way I was raised. If you don't set limits, the kid will not learn them and he/she will result into a social misfit later. If you hear a wifebeater telling you that he beats his wife because "that's the way he was raised", you won't think it's normal. Then why should the kid's behavior be tolerated now?
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
Speak my mind up. If I see that no one cares, I'll just leave the house.
1.)Do you have the right to object to what the child is saying?
Yes, you do. A fifteen-year-old is old enough to be rebuked by someone other than a parent. If it were a five-year-old, that is something different.
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
Absolutely not.
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
If I were insulted by a nephew, and the parent (my sibling or sibling's spouse) defended the child's rudeness, I would get up and leave.
But then, I'm a mean old spinster auntie. lol
Yes, you do. A fifteen-year-old is old enough to be rebuked by someone other than a parent. If it were a five-year-old, that is something different.
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
Absolutely not.
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
If I were insulted by a nephew, and the parent (my sibling or sibling's spouse) defended the child's rudeness, I would get up and leave.
But then, I'm a mean old spinster auntie. lol
Questions for debate:
1.)Do you have the right to object to what the child is saying?
ABSOLUTELY YES.
I most certainly do have the right. Anyone has the right to object if they do not agree with what someone is saying to them or about them. No one need sit back and take verbal abuse, especially not from a child. 
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
NO. I would kindly ask him to step out of the room to discuss the matter privately. His children might be able to get away with disrespecting others, but you do not have to sit and take it nor does anyone else for that matter.
I am close to my sisters so, if this situation happened in my family, I could say anything. I would probably say that there was no excuse for the childs actions and if they did not take control over the situation, I'd be leave.
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
I would stay in control. I would be firm and not make a scene. And if the childs actions did not improve (especially after talking to the parent) I would leave. I would say something like this.........."Your father or mother might think it is appropriate that you use this type of behavior but I do not, and will not tolerate it for one minute. When you learn to use manners and respect others, I will gladly come back.
1.)Do you have the right to object to what the child is saying?
ABSOLUTELY YES.
I most certainly do have the right. Anyone has the right to object if they do not agree with what someone is saying to them or about them. No one need sit back and take verbal abuse, especially not from a child. 2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
NO. I would kindly ask him to step out of the room to discuss the matter privately. His children might be able to get away with disrespecting others, but you do not have to sit and take it nor does anyone else for that matter.
I am close to my sisters so, if this situation happened in my family, I could say anything. I would probably say that there was no excuse for the childs actions and if they did not take control over the situation, I'd be leave.
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
I would stay in control. I would be firm and not make a scene. And if the childs actions did not improve (especially after talking to the parent) I would leave. I would say something like this.........."Your father or mother might think it is appropriate that you use this type of behavior but I do not, and will not tolerate it for one minute. When you learn to use manners and respect others, I will gladly come back.
Eating with my brothers family?
Oh heck yes, I will address him directly, and fight with my brother if he doesn't back me up= and his wife LOL- inappropriate personal comments are not something I want my good family name associated with- and I will shut him right down, firmly and forcefully. Something like "I hope you are not talking to me in this disrespectful and inappropriate manner, but I will tolerate it for one second- if you wish to start an altercation here at the table, and an altercation with me, this is the best way to go about it- are you REALLY looking for some drama here?"
You have right to correct family, and tell them when something like this is clearly not right, nor in your family, which, up until this time, included your brother- and he knows you won't tolerate this behavior, and knows if he wishes to start some drama and cause a scene and start hard feelings and conflict, letting him talk to me is the way to start it!
Disrespect shown among family members is intolerable, and there are no "laws" written on the books on how family deals with one another. It is all by custom and your family history.
In my family, respect and love is the bond that keeps us from broke apart by distince and past problems- and we don't purposely start fights- and this is the way to do it LOL
Now- if my brother corrected ME after I corrected HIM, in an instance like this, were inappropriate comments were made- then we would have some problems, no doubt. I don't like conflict at family gatherings- but that would be the threshold for me to "make a scene" LOL
But that has never happened in MY family- my wonderful 16 year old nephew, I love completely, and I have never had problems with- we were at a thanksgiving when he was five, and he was acting up, like children do, and MY sister said "You can see he is acting up, why are you looking and not spanking- you are closest!" LOL
My grandfather said "In a warrior society, everyone is polite and courteous- unless the wish war" LOL
Oh heck yes, I will address him directly, and fight with my brother if he doesn't back me up= and his wife LOL- inappropriate personal comments are not something I want my good family name associated with- and I will shut him right down, firmly and forcefully. Something like "I hope you are not talking to me in this disrespectful and inappropriate manner, but I will tolerate it for one second- if you wish to start an altercation here at the table, and an altercation with me, this is the best way to go about it- are you REALLY looking for some drama here?"
You have right to correct family, and tell them when something like this is clearly not right, nor in your family, which, up until this time, included your brother- and he knows you won't tolerate this behavior, and knows if he wishes to start some drama and cause a scene and start hard feelings and conflict, letting him talk to me is the way to start it!
Disrespect shown among family members is intolerable, and there are no "laws" written on the books on how family deals with one another. It is all by custom and your family history.
In my family, respect and love is the bond that keeps us from broke apart by distince and past problems- and we don't purposely start fights- and this is the way to do it LOL
Now- if my brother corrected ME after I corrected HIM, in an instance like this, were inappropriate comments were made- then we would have some problems, no doubt. I don't like conflict at family gatherings- but that would be the threshold for me to "make a scene" LOL
But that has never happened in MY family- my wonderful 16 year old nephew, I love completely, and I have never had problems with- we were at a thanksgiving when he was five, and he was acting up, like children do, and MY sister said "You can see he is acting up, why are you looking and not spanking- you are closest!" LOL
My grandfather said "In a warrior society, everyone is polite and courteous- unless the wish war" LOL
QUOTE(nebraska29 @ Jun 22 2005, 04:47 PM)
You are at a gathering at your sister-in-law's house. You are eating supper with their family, and your brother's family. Your brother's child(aged 15) starts making inappropriate comments of a *personal* nature in a joking manner towards you.
Questions for debate:
1.)Do you have the right to object to what the child is saying?
2.)If your brother states: "That's how they are raised." Do you let the subject drop?
3.)What would you do in a circumstance like this?
Um, I think this is discussed in the Ann Landers/Abigail van Buren Playbook. The correct response is . . . (drumroll, please) . . .
Look Johnny right in the eye, and ask him "Why on earth would you ask such a personal question?" (or) "Why on earth would you make such an offensive comment?" I wouldn't shout it so as to call everyone's attention to it, but I'd raise my voice just a tad, to catch the attention of those around me.
If Johnny's been raised without manners, and Johnny's parents let him get away with being uncouth, the best way Johnny can learn that society does have certain expectations is to let him know directly.
Waffling or evading only reinforces the inappropriate behavior: "Oh, Uncle Dale's a wimp, I was just being honest and he couldn't deal with it . . ."
And getting into a public debate with Johnny's parents does nobody any good. But Johnny's parents don't have the chance to intercede in the manner suggested if I don't confront them with Johnny's failure - as someone else pointed out, Johnny's no longer a toddler from whom offensive language is "cute," he's an apprentice adult old enough (to mangle a metaphor) to try his wings a bit - and fall flat on his face if necessary.
What certainly might happen is that Johnny's dad (my brother) might call me later, because Johnny confronted him and asked him why he didn't stand up for his son. At that point I'd tell my brother that our parents didn't raise their kids (us) to behave that way, and tht I'm surprised that he'd endorse such behavior from his son, which only reflects poorly on him - and me, and our parents. (This last is purely conjecture on my part, since I'm an only child. But I've seen other people manage their siblings in a similar manner.)
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