BBC News Story



This is not so much a study discovering that women tend to put on weight when they settle down with someone - that isn't really news (unless the religious denomination of the Pope comes as a surprise to you) , but one that attempts to identify what the specific behaviour changes are that cause this weight gain. Sharing meals, eating portions to match the man's appetite rather than their own, changes in exercise patterns, pregancy, and oral contraceptives are all found to play a part.

So, given that science has found it possible to create a fertile egg using DNA from two women as the parents, that most Western women find they do not need to rely on a man for financial security or a political voice, I wanted to ask today's women (as they are represented on this board):

What are men for?

What can men still bring to a long term relationship that women cannot? (men can of course answer these too, if only so we can all see if there are still differences in perception by gender).

and for everyone

If there is indeed a "crisis in masculinity" of some kind, where do you suggest men should go from here? What new behaviours should we adopt? What existing behaviours should men ditch?

I'd like to reassure readers and respondents that I ask more from curiosity than insecurity. At least I think I do...

What are men for?

If memory serves, they are good at peeing out campfires. LOL Just kidding.

I hesitate to say men are "for" anything, lest the metaphor be expanded to declare that women are "for" bearing children, being submissive, etc. However, I do sincerely believe that men and women are different, and no matter how many spins it's given by feminists or whoever, that is the truth. I believe that in a heterosexual context, men are truly the "yin" to woman's "yang" -- they bring a strength, a steadiness, and a realism to a partnership. It probably sounds hackneyed (or illustrates how damn long it's been since I was in a relationship, lol) but it's what I think.

What can men bring to a long-term relationship that women cannot?

Noted above. Not that women can't be strong and/or reliable, but there's something undefinable about knowing you can rely on a man, trust him, that is very sweet to a woman.

If there is indeed a "crisis in masculinity" of some kind, where do you suggest men should go from here? What new behaviours should we adopt? What existing behaviours should men ditch?

Good men should continue as they are. Men experiencing a "crisis in masculinity" which is leading them to drink too much, chase other women, be violent and/or abusive, or whatever, need to ditch those behaviors.

I'm not one of those women who'd whine about a guy watching too much football on the weekends. I'm more the type who'd make sure he had plenty of chips and beer in the kitchen to enjoy it, while simultaneously being glad he was home with ME and doing something that allows me to read or relax too. But then, that's why THIS woman gains weight when she's in a relationship. LOL

Vibiana
the eternal spinster and retired siren

You act as if a little wieght gain is a bad thing there Julian - in my relationship, I certainly gained more than my wife, but thank the eternal mother or whoever, I went to a Dr and got both our (unhealhy in my case) wieght gain under control.

If the wieght gain does not affect his actraction to her, and vice versa, and has no ill effects on health or relationship, who cares really? My wife's wieght ballooned do to those darn depo-provera shots after our first child, up to 200 lbs- an unhealthy about- and stabilized at 180, not unhealthy, but not western societies idea of perfection I guess, didn't change my atraction and desire to, um, have her with me, one whit. Never felt she was any less of a wife that is for sure!

I think the fatal flaw of the whole thing is if this is an unhealthy thing?

Okay, made my point, stop preaching now, sorry Julian

If women want to marry women, or men want to marry men, no problem- why do folks "need" anyone at all? Why do we even "need" a mate in today's modern world? It is because it is hardwired into our psyche IMHO- and a cost benefit analysis of why we "need" each other is flawed IMHO- because, quite frankly, I was doing quite well for my "needs" before I married my wife and we had children- I had lot's of money, female attention, boys toys, etc- but I still felt the emptiness of no mate- but the equation of "need" didn't really include a wife- it was my inner desire, for whatever reason.

Now, I work 10 times harder, have less money, get less sleep, and <gasp> gained wieght (though, thank the heavens once again, have almsot lost it all, and so has my wife) gee- am I better person now, even though I didn't "need" this- I would say, without a doubt, yes.

My children are the light of my life and my wife the center of my universe, Despite being tired and grumpy alot LOL

Quite frankly, I don't think anyone "needs" a LTR in a cost-benefit way- it is an intangible, and really doesn't matter what sex you pick to have a healthy one- it is just an inner thing with everyone.

Me? I just bump along and try to do what is by my family- perhaps that is the role of the adults in any relationship?

Men -- and women -- are not "for" anything. They simply are. At best, they are to be loved and cherished as individuals worthy of those emotions.

There are a few women who have chosen to live without any contact with men, usually in single-sex communities of one sort or another. It breaks my heart that they feel so oppressed by the stubborn patriarchal structure of human society that they see no other solution than to withdraw from half of humanity. I wish them well.

In the so-called war between the sexes I am a pacifist, a traitor, a double agent, eagerly seeking to make friendly contact with the enemy.

What can men bring to a long-term relationship that women cannot? Nothing at all. Same-sex relationships are just as wonderful, miserable, and confusing as opposite-sex relationships. The real question is what a particular individual can bring to a long-term relationship that other individuals cannot. And what answer can we give, except to say "Behold; this is my beloved."

If there is any "crisis in masculinity," it is only the hesitation that the slave feels once the chains have been struck off. Men in the USA and many other parts of the world are reaping the benefits of feminism, and being offered more choices than they could have ever imagined. It is not a matter of what behaviors they should adopt or abandon; it is the fact that they now have the freedom to choose from a much wider variety of behaviors.

First to adress the weight gain issue. I gain weight in a relationship. I feed the family well, Im a good cook. Its the way I express love, to be sure my man and anyone else around is well fed daily. (They are SO NOT when Im absent)
Its cultural, our mothers and grandmothers did it all the way back in time forever.
In my experience men and children like treats, home baked cookies, cakes, ice cream. It seems men can eat forever and anything.
Its very difficult to eat salads all the time while your family gorges on the beautiful things you provide. I need about 1/3 of the calorie intake of my family to stay beautifully slim and model attractive, doesnt happen.
He gets a white chocolate mocha (300 cal), I get a skinny latte half the size (90 cal) He asks me why I deny myself so much, that I shouldnt diet so. Thats all fine until Im 30 lbs overweight, then he'll say , like so many others do, that Ive let myself go.
I do have some resentment that so many men with a fat belly wonder why their women have 'let themselves go'. Its a cruel double standard.

The others have answered about what can men bring to a relationship that women cannot. Both should bring security, love, understanding and some degree of tolerance and stability.

As far as existing behaviors I think men should ditch?
With all due respect to those that already have good qualities, the others should drop the control issues firstly. Get out of the way and let a woman have a vibrant life. One only benefits from this.
The other is the weakness of character that goes with feeling unloved or ignored because there is a new baby, or a crisis, a death, a time of distance in the relationship and when they are not receiving sex.
In my current profession I see so many men that feel unloved and uncared for when they are not getting sex. They dont understand that women in times of crisis could care less about sex but rely on the stability of their partner to be more than that, a nurturing individual. Its possible that because men do not give birth they tend to be more selfish about their own needs all the time, or its just a biological urge, but its immature and base.
Lastly I would say that men need to stop being so superficial. They could use to gain some depth. Most women are not a magazine models, but bring a plethora of good things to life. Its not right to be compared and scrutinized for weight gain or aging and its not great to be left for a younger woman and a red sports car. This is a hateful weakness of character that makes one wonder. Is there depth in a man? Or as Freud said, its all about sex.

I live with a good guy friend and I first gained weight when we lived together for the sole sake that i began eating as much as he did. After gaining weight I realized that pizza and macaroni and chips etc put weight on me a whole lot differently than how it did to him (IT DIDN"T)

Now I just pick and choose my battles about what i eat with him and remind myself that just because he is having a large pizza doesnt mean its ok for me to as well.

I agree with Victoria S 100%.

Personally as a (mostly) heterosexual female, a man can be a lot of fun in gratifying my sexual side in a way that machinery and manual ways cannot.

I also enjoy experiencing a different way of looking at things that men can bring into a (sexual or non-sexual) relationship. I enjoy having conversations with my husband or male friends that are different than conversations with my female ones.

That said, there are benefits and drawbacks to both being in a relationship (either man or woman) and not being in one.

Some anecdotal examples:

On the one hand, I love having a partner to share responsibilities with. On the other, I tend to shy away from physicallyor mechanically demanding tasks (like repairs, heavy lifting, etc) now that I have a husband. When I was single I just did them. As a feminist, I'm a bit unhappy with myself on this, but not enough to really put forth the effort to change it.

Another benefit is having someone do things with, but the down side is that we don't always want to do the same things.

(As an aside, it's really unfair about the eating -- I eat half what my husband does and he's much better proportioned. )

Let me just speak to one of the issues – the crises in masculinity. I think there currently is a crisis and I’m glad there is one.

Hegemonic masculinity has been based on aggression, competition, and physical/muscular appearance. Although I have noticed greater female flexibility in society, such as women in sport, politics, academia, business (and I realize we still need to progress in this area), I have not noticed this same degree if flexibility in men. It seems like both women and men have accepted women moving into traditional male areas, but have not accepted men moving into traditional female areas (e.g., childrearing, stay home fathers). I think men are much more to blame than women on this issue and, generally speaking, are much more rigid in regard to greater male gender flexibility. I think the crisis in masculinity is the tension that many men feel in regard to the tug that is pulling them in opposite directions of traditional masculinity versus flexible masculinity. I think this is a great thing and men can learn to be less aggressive and competitive and need to become much more sensitative and learn empathy skills.

One last thing. Although I do think that much of gender is socially constructed, I do think there still are some genetic/biological aspects that make men and women psychologically and sociciologically different (the physical is obvious). And as Vibiana stated, I do think this creates a yin and yang in which being with someone of the opposite gender, generally speaking, leads to psychological and sociological growth. This is assuming a healthy relationship (e.g., no psychological or physical abuse). For example, I have learned to be more empathetic in life (e.g., colleagues, neighbors, children), from interacting and being socialized by my wife.