I have two daughters from my first marriage, and for a decade or so after the divorce, I kept asking about them. Eventually, when I moved to Muskegon, I gave up on ever hearing of them again.

I woke up on the younger daughter's 16th birthday to find that I was alone in the house.

A couple of weeks ago, she phoned me on her 35th birthday.

There is a narrow window of opportunity for us to get together. Her mother is not living in the same city with her at the moment, but intends to retire a few blocks from her. Father's day is her last day of work.

Wednesday is payday, and we are planning to travel next Thursday, spend a night in a motel, and go shopping together on Friday.

Her older sister turned 40 yesterday, and reportedly quit speaking to her mother as well as me shortly after her 21st birthday...

Yes, it was the very definition of a bad divorce...

Any advice on what to say or do to make certain it isn't another 19 years before I hear her voice would be appreciated.

This is indeed a great opportunity and you are a fortunate man.

I am no expert, but I suspect she will have some mixed feelings and quite possibly some residual anger that may get directed your way. She's probably also terrified.

Apologise, and let her talk.

And seriously man, best of luck

What should you say?

You say "I'm sorry" and you say "I love you".

Then shut up and let her talk.

Curm, that is fantastic news! How outstanding!

I don't know what to tell you...I will think it over. Honestly, as she called you it's obvious she wants to talk and be with you. Since she has been raised with her mother, and her mother is planning on continuing to live near her, their relationship is probably pretty good, so I would avoid saying anything untoward about her.

Otherwise, just be yourself! It works with us...we all love you around here.

The other day I came home totally depressed and feeling lower than a snake's belly button. Nobody was home and with a sudden burst of limited imagination I planned to while away the hours killing brain cells with a couple of cans of Diet Coke, some ice, and a bottle of Bacardi 151 rum.

I was just getting into my pity party when the phone rang and on the line was a voice I barely recognized. It was a friend whom I had not spoken with for two years. I was so surprised and pleased to hear her voice that by the time I put the phone back down FOUR HOURS had flown by. So had the urge to drown my sorrows. That's what time well spent with a friend can do for you.

I can't tell you what to say Curmudgeon to your estranged daughter. I think lordhelmet's suggestion makes a darn fine starting point. You'll probably discuss how much weight the other person has lost or gained, how their hair style has changed, what's their general state of health, how much rain has fallen lately and how much the Lions are still going to suck this season.

And after all the small talk and mundane stuff is out of the way, maybe you'll get into a discussion of heavier things. Maybe you won't. Don't force the issue. Just relax and enjoy the moment and the company.

Don't overthink this. Just relax and enjoy the company. Everything else will flow.

It is hard to improve on nightimer's suggestion.

I would add, that body language is probably as important as whatever is said.

If moments become tense, try not to fold the arms across the chest. This is a closed, defensive gesture. It would probably be better to hold the arms down and the palms forward - a gesture of openness and acceptance.

I don't have much to add to what's been said - and how odd to find oneself agreeing entirely with a motley crew like Vermillion, lordhelmet, nighttimer, Mrs. P, and BoF! A first reunion may not be the time to discuss "heavier things" - and it's often the mundane that paves the way to reconciliation. Be as honest as you always are and let her take the lead in terms of the depth of the conversation. It may be enough for now that she knows you love her and have missed her. Good luck.

Its great to hear that she's trying to talk, 'mudge. I think most on here have offered excellent advice. The only thing I would add is perspective: its more important that the channel is open than what is said on it, or more importantly, what was said prior. So just love and listen, the rest will take care of itself.

Doc

Just relax and be yourself. That is the only way to enter into a new relationship (which is really what this is: a brand new relationship).

You've described before how (shall I say) unbalanced your ex- was. Of course this colored your children's lives. Keep compassion at the forefront of your thoughts and all will be well.

It's especially encouraging that she called you! Take heart in that!!

Sounds like quite an opportunity, good luck!

I really have no further advice on this. An image does come to mind of the father showing up with a long-handled spade. Daughter asks, what's the shovel for? Father answers, thought we'd burry some hatchets before lunch.

*rimshot*

Why do I see Lenny from L&O?

I would say hug her tight like you never want to let go.... The tears in your eyes will also speak volumes

There's not much that can be said.

I just recently heard from an old flame who for years had thought I was upset with her. We talked for like 4-5 hours and we reminisced and got all our thoughts out. Needless to say, everything turned out great.

I can understand how ugly divorces can be. Sometimes the ugliest ones don't look that way on the outside.

If I could say anything, it would be to let the flow of things determine what gets brought up and when. Not that you should ignore it, but a happy reunion shouldn't be met by bad memories at the onset.

Things will be awkward. But you're sttill her dad. She hasn't forgotten that, and you haven't either. As long as she knows that your love for her as a daughter hasn't changed since she left, you'll be fine.

Hi,

My thanks to all of you, for your good advice.

As the date for the visit approached, things really began to fall apart. On Wednesday, I took the car into the dealership, and I was told what it would cost (in time and dollars) to order a new driver's seat for the car, a new turn signal switch, and I already knew what it would cost to troubleshoot the transmission. I had asked them to look at the defective brake lights, but I'm not certain they did. Basically, it was going to be impossible to repair the existing car.

We headed for AAA to arrange for a car rental, and half a block from AAA, I turned left instead of right. I went to the Credit Union and asked if it was possible to negotiate a pre-approved car loan. "You owe us too much money today, but since your loan will be paid off tomorrow, let's see..."

At about 1 minute to 5 on Wednesday (trip planned for Thursday), the dealer got a verbal OK from the loan officer, and was faxing the paperwork to the Credit Union. Early Thursday morning, the loan was denied. The dealer was asking $1,000 over Blue Book. Somewhere around noon, the loan officer called to tell us the dealer wouldn't budge, and recommended a salesman at a different dealership. I called to make an appointment, and got an answering machine. I left a message, headed for the door, and told PE where I was going. The phone rang. The original dealer had budged on the price. (To keep good will with the Credit Union, he sold it for what he paid for it.)

Paperwork was traded, insurance arranged for, a check was issued, and we went to pick up the car. The salesman asked how much experience we had had with the loan officer, as she had really gone to bat for us. “We met her yesterday when we applied for the loan.”

We left for Toledo about the time that we meant to arrive, and arrived as my daughter was getting ready for bed. “I’ll call in the morning and wake you.” In the morning, I tried to call her, and got busy signals on both phone numbers. As we were preparing to check out of the motel, the phone finally rang…

We met at the restaurant next door, then spent the afternoon shopping and talking. My older daughter helped my youngest one build a stuffed cat at Build-A-Bear Workshop, and in the process of choosing an outfit, they talked for a couple of hours.

At some point, “What do we do next?” led us to look at our watches and make a decision to go. We were taken back to her apartment, where she thought we had parked our car. “Well, you might as well come in and take the nickel tour.” The youngest daughter bonded almost instantly with the older daughter’s cat. We then heard of how this cat had been brought into a veterinary office where my daughter had been working. It was a rescue cat, brain damaged, a torn muscle, unable to walk, climb, or jump. Over ten days of care, it had bonded with my daughter, and been given to her. After eight more weeks of care, it had begun walking. Ten years later, it can climb with effort, but not jump. “It is not like that cat to bond with a stranger!” Our departure was delayed a couple of hours as we discussed a cat that she had expected to hide for the entire visit.

I handed her a business card which begins, “Let’s continue this discussion on America’s Debate.” “This is a good place to get to know us…” I began, and PE jumped in with “I’m Paladin Elspeth, and he’s Curmudgeon.” As she began to explain her online name, it developed that they had both played the same computer version of D & D… Three hours later, she tried to walk us out to our car, and we had to remind her that we were still parked at the restaurant. As she drove us back to the car, she said, “I don’t think Mom ever has to know you were here…” This afternoon, I sent her an explanation of my on-line moniker. She has access to the Internet about once a week, but she expects that she will check out the sight.

Promises were made that we would get together again when it was possible. She needs to find a junk dealer who will haul her car away and not charge her for it. She has been driving her boyfriends's car. He intends to list his car for sale on Monday. “Borrowing mom’s car to get together with you is probably not a good idea.”

We finally left about the time that we should have arrived home…

We intended to buy her flowers, but forgot. As it turned out, the rose garden next door faces her balcony.

Her health is poor, but improving. She is usually awake about 5 hours a day, and we spent 7 – 8 hours with her on Friday. Before meeting her current doctor, she had spent 8 months without leaving the house except to do laundry and buy food. She feels that she is in relatively good health, all things considered, and is planning to write a book on How To Live With Celiac Disease.

"I forgot to wish you a Happy Father's Day." She e-mailed me today, I replied that the visit to see her had been my Father's Day Gift!

Happy Fathers Day, my friend. You are truly a fortunate man!