A recent conversation has me thinking about how the posters at America's Debate view relationships that are between an older man/younger woman or younger man/older woman.

Somebody mentioned in one of the Mark Foley threads the "Half your age plus seven" rule as a guideline for age differentials.

So I'm going to throw it out there for discussion:

What are the rules involving age differences between couples? How old is "too old" and how young is "too young"?

(Let's all assume adult relationships here.)

I believe there is also the factor of wealth altering the sliding scale for age as well as ugly.
I am never comfortable past 5 years on either side of my age.
anymore than that and the life experiences are too different/alien. There is a disconnect from everything from music to movies to products.

However a relationship works out as long as all is legal. 18 and a day has always been my standard, whatever age I was once I past 18 myself. Otherwise, relationships, real ones, plus sexual rendevous, are as varied and healthy as any other regardless of age, as long as both are enjoying themselves and are making adult decisions. It is only when "grooming" occurs before this legal consent age that it gets creepy again and the only real grey area for me. Think Celine Dion and her husband- I mean, he was many, many years her senior, and by Celine's account never slept with her until she turned 18, well, darnit, the relationship is succesful, and they seem to both be happy.

Here in Alaska, a front page article some months ago caused quite a controversy, about a man that had a relationship with a ( I think 15 year old at the time) got the girl pregnant, was sent to jail for 11 years, and when he got out, they got married and have been married for like 10+ years- I forget the exact amount- and have had a couple more kids, so damn, what to do about that now?

But seriously- my personal ideal is 18 and a day. No illegal dating for me, no way, no how! No talking with under 18 year olds and throwing out flirty vibes or anything either!

Besides, in most healthy relationships, the contact is initiated by the woman, so really, unless you are some kind of stalker that won't leave a woman alone and she is messed up enough to like it- , what is atractive to a certain age (adult consenting) woman is her own darn business.

Hm. A "recent conversation" eh? I can only wonder what brings up this subject, Amlord. Young lady? Older woman?

I guess I'll go PC and cliche and say I think it's individual to the person. Some people are immature at fifty, or "young at heart" and others are old souls at twenty. I think that generally women are more mature earlier. My husband is a year older, but it took about 12 years for him to catch up to me in maturity. I always thought I'd marry someone at least ten years older, but I'm glad now that we are in our mid-thirties together, it gives us more quality time left.

There are ridiculous age gaps, though. A walking corpses like Hugh Heffner (Rod Stewart also comes to mind, though he isn't quite that old) and their tween sigoths are pretty ridiculous. Yes, Hugh/Rod/Mick, those women would just adore you, even if you were indigent and selling minnows at a bait shack....There really isn't any commonality with that type of an age gap, unless the older person worships himself enough for the both of them (I say himself because, come on, there are no geriatric women dating gorgeous twenty year old men, no matter how rich they are) and the woman worships his money enough to keep changing his depends.

In the realm of reality, my parents are twenty years apart, so I was raised with the paradigm that large age gaps between men and women are okay. In their case it worked out pretty well...still together after 37 years. But, honestly, I couldn't imagine dating anyone more than a couple of years younger than myself (older is okay). Whenever my husband and I have that macabre conversation about "what would you do if I died..." he has mentioned that he can't imagine having anything in common with someone much younger. I have to agree, really. I think back to my former self in college, and I certainly have little enough with even that person. If I met her today I'd think she was a nincompoop. I'll probably feel that way about my current self in another fifteen years too.

What are the rules involving age differences between couples? How old is "too old" and how young is "too young"?

(Let's all assume adult relationships here.)

I have always been of the 'whatever floats their boat' mentality. Who am I to say who is the right person for someone else? Heck, I have enough trouble figuring out who is right for me! There is not necessarily a relationship between age and maturity, and I think it more important that there is a maturity match than one of age. If a 70 year old and a 25 year old decide that they should be together, I don't think anyone one else should pass judgement on them.

I do agree with Amlord's caveat here---this only applies to adult relationships. There's a big different between someone preying on children and two adults that decide they should be together.

It is my opinion is that it depends on the age group in question. To some, it seems taboo for a 19 year old to be with a 29 year old, but for a 55 year old to be with a 65 year old isn't as taboo. Same age difference, but more accepting with the older couple than the younger. Of course there can be a lot of extenuating circumstances. Are the two elders widowed? How long has the younger couple been a couple? More than a couple years? I am five years my wife's junior, but we are ummm "30s" . It seems that this would be better accepted than 18 and 23. Of course we are making generalizations, but these are my observations.

My touchstone has been whether I can stand the woman for more than five minutes. Is she intelligent? Do we have anything in common? Are we different enough to keep our interest going? Can we work together well? Is there anything that's a relationship killer? Well, that last one you find out after taking the plunge, however that's defined. Usually it's marriage.

Age has little to do with it. I've been with younger and older and the same age. Seems when I tally up with whom I've spent the most time, older women are in the majority. I'm pretty sure that was just by chance. I don't really care.

Some guys go for the trophy wife, others go for compatibility. I just want someone who can stand me for more than five minutes, then take if from there. If it works, fine. If not, oh well. Oh yeah, and you gotta be friends first. That's what lasts.

Well it depends what kind of couple...

Do you want an arm peice, soulmate, sugar daddy/mama, sex fling... ??

Arm peice:

I'd say around 7-10 years younger than you... got to have your freinds like.... damn!!! This is of course for people at least late 20's. if you're like 24-25 people are going to be like "damn... lock him up."

Sugar Mama/Daddy

More than likely these people will have to be older than you, ten plus. Who really wants to treat someone their own age?? I'd say if they are younger than you by even a day, then they aren't sugar anything, you're just a mooch.

Sex fling

Tough, real tough, I'd say watch out for younger than 25 if you are a man. The young ones just haven't learned those nifty tricks yet, and if they have... how much experience have they packed at such a young age... ewwwwHHH!!! Plus, those older women are just down for WHATEVER!!!! While younger ones are like "no.. no... you want to put what, where?!?!?!"

Soul mate

I'd go with Christopher here. 5 years... you grow together.. get old together... but always look just the same as the day you met. I know when I look at pictures of me and my wife I can see the weight she's put on from younger pictures( i notice me too), I can see how she grown older, but when I wake up in the morning she is just as beautiful as the first time I saw her.

What, has the classic 1971 film, "Harold and Maude" become forbidden fruit? Historically, people have segregated themselves by age ostensibly for pragmatic reasons relating to child-rearing and mutual support throughout life. Reason often decays over time into ritual, and ritual into cultural ideology. For the most part, anything that is legal goes these days, and I would not be surprised at any age combination. I personally found the constant press over Anna Nicole and her spring-winter relationship as well as Woody Allen's abhorrent, but only for its lack of newsworthy substance.

I was reading in the Wiki, "In 1997, it [Harold and Maude] was selected for preservation in the National Film Registry of the Library of Congress as being deemed 'culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant'". Tacit cultural approval perhaps?

I'm going to venture a guess. Amlord met a cute twenty year old and is wondering if it is a good idea.



My husband is 13 1/2 years older than me. When we met I was in my early 20's and he was in his mid 30's. And yes, now that he is almost 50 and I am in my mid 30's I start to think about the future. Women already live an average of 6-7 years longer than men. Given those statistics I may survive another twenty years after he passes away.

The advantages are plenty. He is the same as he was when I met him: mature; stable; loyal; devoted father; etc. Of course, I know those qualities have more to do with who he is as a person as opposed to his age. I never worry about him cheating on me, which is a fear of some married women that I know. That's worth a lot, in and of itself.

The drawbacks. He may not be around to help me celebrate my golden years. There are phyisical limitations, and I don't mean the ones you are thinking. I'm just saying that the aches and pains are a reality for him, and will continue to be so as time progesses. I tell him not to worry. I will happily push him around in a wheel chair, if needed.

What are the rules involving age differences between couples? How old is "too old" and how young is "too young"?

There are no rules in my book. In the end, age is irrelevant. That is my overall opinion. If you meet someone and you hit it off and you can build on that, more power to you.

As an older man in a relationship with a younger woman, I'd have to say my limit shifts as I grow older. I'm 37 years old and my girlfriend is 29. I believe that chronological, biological and mental age may not necessarily rise at the same rate. I don't feel, nor do I look my chronological age. And my mental age range (I think of it in terms of a range that may expand or contract as one gets older) is about mid twenties to forty - at the moment, I think it's beginning a period of contraction... gotta get some new music.

When I was 25, I didn't want to date anyone under 20. When I was 30, I didn't want to date anyone under 24. At 37, I wouldn't want to date anyone under 27. I imagine that in my forties I wouldn't want to date anyone under 30. I think I may freeze it at that point, however. . My girlfriend's dad is dating someone exactly my age. After feeling a bit awkward about that, she's fine with it now.

Now, I never expected to be dating someone 8 years my junior... in fact, I went on dates with women in their mid 30's... and I've found myself attracted to older women and have dated a few , but my girlfriend and I just... fit really well.

Basically, I think... to each there own so long as it's legal.

For me, at the moment, in terms of a relationship, it's no younger than 27 and no older than 42. For flings, I'd go a couple of years lower on the low end and a few years higher on the upper end.

After both people are of legal age and can consent to whatever they want, age is an arbitrary factor. There is as much to worry about in a multitude of other areas - health/health risks, fiscal responsibility, intimacy issues, social interests, etc that are far more important. Yet, we don't say "should people be in a relationship with someone who has had cancer?".

We stay with someone because of who they are - not what they are.

Generally speaking, I agree that adults of age can be involved with another person of any age they want. Like Aaliyah's song says, "age ain't nothing but a number". But there are some limits to that. That age aint nothing but a number stuff all goes out the window if some older dude wants to date my daughter. I wish some old due would come around my house asking about my daughter when she is 16. I might not have a problem with it, but my tommy gun here should would.

Seriously though, I have a big problem when older adults have relationships with teenagers. In my state, MI, the age of consent is 16 years old. So a 30 year old can legally have an intimate relationship with a 16 year old, and that kind of thing happens a lot. Relationships between older adults should involve a level of maturity that teenagers shouldn't be exposed to just yet. If an older adult is at the same stage in life as a teenager, then there is something wrong with that adult and I certainly don't want my daughter involved with somebody like that.

I remember girls in high school who were always trying to look older and had old dude boyfriends. They were 16 trying to look 26. I tried getting a bathing suit for my daughter last summer when she was 5, and it took 3 stores to find one that wasn't a two piece bikini... for a five year old. The junior hoochiemama section is taking over the junior misses sections of stores everywhere. For some reason there is this intense pressure for kids to grow up so fast these days and I feel that relationships with older adults and legal young adults is another symptom of that problem.

What, don't you believe in role-models? I would think maturity would always be a positive development for a teenager.

I am sure you simply lacked the right words. The moral context I believe you are trying to establish derives from a natural consequence of the complexity of our civilization. In other words, there is a rational reason, and it is not something inherent to mismatched age in itself. Simpler cultures, say one in which to "make a living" all one does is tote water and firewood, collect berries, and build a fire, there really is no need to establish any barrier to early marriage, outside of puberty itself, since livelihood is not dependent on a complex social and vocational learning curve as it is in more modern cultures. That is why it is still common in many parts of the world to have early marriages, such as the Mung who make the news from time to time when a story pops up about how these boat people tried to continue marrying off their 14 yo girls even after they were relocated to L.A. from Cambodia.

In modern society, people are rarely equipped to thrive before they are 30 these days, much less 18, unless they are tech wizards. If people couple up, then you must also allow them the right to have children, and if that occurs, any self-improvement treadmill they are on gets derailed, I would think. People need to be mature fixtures in the economy first, that is why coupling is delayed. If you are just living in a jungle somewhere, it really doesn't matter if you are a 40 yo teenager, but it does in a complex civilization.

Right on, DP! My husband (married now for almost 3 months!) is 17 years older than me. I've almost exclusively dated older men. Guys my own age...well, frankly, they're repulsive to me, for the most part.

A lot of people say things like, "Oh, what can a younger woman have in common with a much-older man? Even simple things like their movie tastes and music tastes will be way different, not to mention the more important stuff!" And I really don't have an answer to that. I think MOST younger women probably don't have anything in common with an older man. I'd like to think of myself as the exception. I've been referred to as "an old soul", though I don't know how much credence I place in that. I have an interest in things that happened prior to "my generation", mostly because the interests of my generation---how to put this nicely?---suck. I also have a unique ability to talk with anyone about anything, and I love to learn new things. So my husband is not a sugar daddy (not even moderately wealthy), and I am not a brainless bimbo. We just "clicked".

There's no problem with age differences in relationships, but my advice to anyone who's "not sure" if they should date someone "younger" (hint, hint, Amlord) is this: If you're really not sure; if the age difference makes you that uncomfortable, then I wouldn't do it. You'll know for sure if it's right, because it'll feel right, and all the reservations will be strictly "logical".

Ladies and gentlemen (of all ages), we have our quote of the year for 2008.

I am almost nine years older than my better half. Even this relatively minor difference in our ages causes some cultural clashes. (I found the pastiche of mid-1960's folk music in the movie A Mighty Wind to be delightful, while my better half found it bewildering.) But we get along better with each other than with anybody else.

Whatever works, works.

Two-cheers for the five minute rule! I thought I was the only one who practiced this. My experience is that a connection is not really age dependant. I've dated younger women but usually trend to older. When I find one I can get along with for an extended period of time I'll probably get married. Until then I am perfectly comfortable being single.

What are the rules involving age differences between couples? How old is "too old" and how young is "too young"?

That's the wonderful thing about this country and the age we're living in! Anybody eighteen plus works! It is such a personal decision that I don't thing "rules" of any kind should apply! I feel strongly about this mainly because of an unfortunate experience my grandfather had which I will cite here if anyone would like to read on.

My grandfather was born in 1978, and he was widowed when he was 49 years old with nine children. The youngest child was my mother who was one day old when my grandmother passed. My grandfather employed several nannies during my mother's growing up years. One of the nannies, who was employed when my mom was just five years old, fell in love with my grandfather. The nanny was just twenty years old at the time. My grandfather and my mom's nanny wanted to marry after several years into her employment, but unfortunately, those children of my grandfather's who were already adults, planned and carried out an "Intervention" (as we know this practice today). The only objection of the grown children was the age difference and how "base" the proposed marriage would appear to all who knew them. My grandfather fell for this argument and the nanny was discharged because of the "unseemliness" of her continued employment since the two adults loved each other. My grandfather lived to the age of 96 years a widower the entire time, and at his graveside the "nanny" once again appeared, and whispered in my ear, "You know - I never stopped loving him."

The saddest part for me was that because of what the family interpreted to be "acceptable" in that day, my grandfather lived alone for over 47 years.