Full Version: News items that make jokes naturally!
Every once in a while, you hear a news item in your car or something on the way to work- and the joke just writes itself- for instance- I was listening recently about how the guy that used to head the IRS is now in charge of the Red Cross.
All I can think was "ooo, now THAT guy knows how to get blood out of folks"
Or (true story, but about 20 years old)
"Today the Alaska Fur Factory opened in what once was the SPCA headquarters"
Do I need to write a joke for that one even?
So the rules are
1) Real news item, no matter how old, but has to be REAL
2) Joke either needs no punchline, or just one line- no set up!
All I can think was "ooo, now THAT guy knows how to get blood out of folks"
Or (true story, but about 20 years old)
"Today the Alaska Fur Factory opened in what once was the SPCA headquarters"
Do I need to write a joke for that one even?
So the rules are
1) Real news item, no matter how old, but has to be REAL
2) Joke either needs no punchline, or just one line- no set up!
Found these in my Google News feed-- each is good enough on its own, but in chronological order, they're even better:
Bill Clinton discusses global connectivity
(San Gabriel Country Tribune, April 16, 2007)
Bill Clinton Ready to Serve Hillary
(ABC News, April 16, 2007)
Love-fest for Bill couldn't hurt Hillary
(L.A. Times, April 17, 2007)
Clinton Triples College Speaking Pace as Hillary Runs
(Bloomberg, April 18, 2007)
Clinton Would Make Husband Roving Ambassador, Use His Skills to Repair Nation's Image
(ABC News, April 22, 2007)
Former President Clinton to be Named Ambassador of Love
(The Spoof, UK, April 22, 2007)
Clinton Assails Bush at Buchanan County Fundraiser (Waterloo Cedar Falls Courier, IA, April 23, 2007)
Ambassador Clinton? Hillary Rolling Out The Two Headed Monster
(Cleveland Leader, April 23, 2007)
(click for the headline that went too far) (Brisbane Times, March 31, 2007)
Apparently, Hillary's first act as President will be to boot her cheatin' husband from the country to do what he does best-- anywhere but here.
Bill Clinton discusses global connectivity
(San Gabriel Country Tribune, April 16, 2007)Bill Clinton Ready to Serve Hillary
(ABC News, April 16, 2007)Love-fest for Bill couldn't hurt Hillary
(L.A. Times, April 17, 2007)Clinton Triples College Speaking Pace as Hillary Runs
(Bloomberg, April 18, 2007)Clinton Would Make Husband Roving Ambassador, Use His Skills to Repair Nation's Image
(ABC News, April 22, 2007)Former President Clinton to be Named Ambassador of Love
(The Spoof, UK, April 22, 2007)Clinton Assails Bush at Buchanan County Fundraiser
(Waterloo Cedar Falls Courier, IA, April 23, 2007)Ambassador Clinton? Hillary Rolling Out The Two Headed Monster
(Cleveland Leader, April 23, 2007)(click for the headline that went too far)
(Brisbane Times, March 31, 2007)Apparently, Hillary's first act as President will be to boot her cheatin' husband from the country to do what he does best-- anywhere but here.
Took this picture in downtown DC, at a clinic. it literally made me laugh out loud. I don't think ANY words are necessary.
I was listening to the radio while driving to work in the morning the day after the V-Tech shooting, and heard this (in almost a movie announcer voice): "Sources report that Cho often sat in the back of the classroom...wearing a hat.
Seen on the BBC news site:
Sneezing bug hits school.
Sneezing bug hits school.
QUOTE(Mrs. Pigpen @ Apr 23 2007, 09:08 PM) 
Took this picture in downtown DC, at a clinic. it literally made me laugh out loud. I don't think ANY words are necessary.
There is coffee and pound cake all over my keyboard! Now one of my minions will have to fetch me a new one!
I hope you're happy Mrs. Pigpen!
A favorite of mine:
Pack of Angry Chihuahuas Attack Officer
and then there's this:
Docs fight to save man's willy
Image of angry man with RPG (rocket-propelled grenade) launcher?
Caption:
Palestinians attend a demonstration against violence in Gaza April 23, 2007.
REUTERS/Ibraheem Abu Mustafa (GAZA)
Caption:
Palestinians attend a demonstration against violence in Gaza April 23, 2007.
REUTERS/Ibraheem Abu Mustafa (GAZA)
Senator Gravel, from the SC debate:
"``It's like going into the Senate. You know, the first time you get there, you're all excited, `My god, how did I ever get here.' Then, about six months later, you say, `How the hell did the rest of them get here?''
"``It's like going into the Senate. You know, the first time you get there, you're all excited, `My god, how did I ever get here.' Then, about six months later, you say, `How the hell did the rest of them get here?''
The boy who unfurled "bong hits 4 Jesus" during the Olympic torch parade- is teaching English in China today- in preperation for the Olympics-
(me)- Coincidence? I think not!
(me)- Coincidence? I think not!
The ice cream thread (in the past in Italy I ordered fish ice cream when I ment peach) reminded me of a funny translation on the menu at a trattoria in Pordenone.
Pizza mista- Pizza with peppers, mushrooms, and fantasies of the pizza man.
Needless to say, no one ever order the type of pizza that contained the pizza man's...um, fantasies.
Pizza mista- Pizza with peppers, mushrooms, and fantasies of the pizza man.
Needless to say, no one ever order the type of pizza that contained the pizza man's...um, fantasies.
Well, this one on Google today certainly caught my attention (and made me laugh):
"Oral sex could be more dangerous than cigars"
"Oral sex could be more dangerous than cigars"
What isn't said sometimes sparks one's imagination.
Last week MSNBC reported that "the winner of the Kentucky Derby" was to be among the 138 carefully selected guests to attend the first Bush white tie state dinner. The guest of honor, of course, was Queen Elizabeth II of England, herself a horse aficionado.
While MSNBC's anchor did not elaborate, winner of the Kentucky Derby obviously meant the owner - James Tafel.
What amuses me is the thought (since it wasn't stipulated) of the horse, Street Sense (not the owner) as a guest among all the 137 assorted stuffed shirts.
Last week MSNBC reported that "the winner of the Kentucky Derby" was to be among the 138 carefully selected guests to attend the first Bush white tie state dinner. The guest of honor, of course, was Queen Elizabeth II of England, herself a horse aficionado.
While MSNBC's anchor did not elaborate, winner of the Kentucky Derby obviously meant the owner - James Tafel.
What amuses me is the thought (since it wasn't stipulated) of the horse, Street Sense (not the owner) as a guest among all the 137 assorted stuffed shirts.
QUOTE(BoF)
What amuses me is the thought (since it wasn't stipulated) of the horse, Street Sense (not the owner) as a guest among all the 137 assorted stuffed shirts.
I would have loved to seen that; a thoroughbred among a bunch of horse's behinds.
QUOTE(DaffyGrl @ May 10 2007, 11:36 AM)
Well, this one on Google today certainly caught my attention (and made me laugh):
"Oral sex could be more dangerous than cigars"
"Oral sex could be more dangerous than cigars"
What made me laugh was the subtitle, "Looks bad for Clinton either way"
QUOTE(DaffyGrl @ May 11 2007, 12:42 PM)
QUOTE(BoF)
What amuses me is the thought (since it wasn't stipulated) of the horse, Street Sense (not the owner) as a guest among all the 137 assorted stuffed shirts.
I would have loved to seen that; a thoroughbred among a bunch of horse's behinds. God you're fast on your feet DG.
I'll bet the Queen would have enjoyed it more.
QUOTE(BoF)
I'll bet the Queen would have enjoyed it more.
Far more than Bush’s clumsy bon mots and audacious wink, I'd venture to say.
I just saw a Google text ad that was for "Christian Disaster Relief"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another: Clicky Linky
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another: Clicky Linky
Funny Jamie!
Thought the add above that chilled me to the core:
Sign up for the National Review 2007 Alaska Cruise today!
Where is the Titanic when you need it?
Thought the add above that chilled me to the core:
Sign up for the National Review 2007 Alaska Cruise today!
Where is the Titanic when you need it?
This is an old entertainment item, but Jaime's link reminded me of it. It was a Yahoo Movies headline from the week the Johnny Depp vehicle, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, opened:
It didn't last long, but I got a screen grab of it.
Depp's Chocolate Factory Has Tasty Opening
It didn't last long, but I got a screen grab of it.
I find it funny, amusing, ironic that a person who personifies the lack of social graces would, in fact, be named Nancy Grace. 
Many of you have probably seen this, but I'll post it anyway. I knew cigarettes were additive, but here we have a suspected bank robber stopping by a convenience store for smokes before continuing his "escape" from the police. It didn't end well for him.
http://video.aol.com/video-detail/id/2029259029
http://video.aol.com/video-detail/id/2029259029
QUOTE(BoF @ Jul 27 2007, 09:53 AM)
Many of you have probably seen this, but I'll post it anyway. I knew cigarettes were additive, but here we have a suspected bank robber stopping by a convenience store for smokes before continuing his "escape" from the police. It didn't end well for him.
http://video.aol.com/video-detail/id/2029259029
http://video.aol.com/video-detail/id/2029259029
Thanks for this... I almost spit out my coffee this morning.
Hilarious.
There was this couple that was hitting banks in Natchitoches, La last year in a Yellow Mustang (yes- their own car as the getaway car). It was the only one registered in that Parish. Not surprisingly, however, it still took cops about 2 weeks to catch them.
Dumb criminal stories are a riot! There are so many of them we could almost make a thread dedicated to nothing but that. We had one case here in LA a couple of months ago where a guy went into a liquor store, grabbed a six pack of beer and then proceeded to hold up the clerk. The quick-witted clerk gave him the money from the register than asked for his ID for the beer. The robber pulled out his driver's license and showed it to the clerk who wrote down the name and address!
Aquilla
Aquilla
Here's an all-time great bit of irony. When Sean Hannity's name is typed into M.S. Word, the first alternative the spell checker suggests for Hannity is "sanity." If you doubt me, try it.
Not exactly a funny story, but a DUH moment --
Earth-Shattering Study: Men Like Good-Looking Women
I'm sure everyone is shocked.
Earth-Shattering Study: Men Like Good-Looking Women
QUOTE
Men's choices did not reflect their stated preferences, the researchers concluded. Instead, men appeared to base their decisions mostly on the women's physical attractiveness.
The men also appeared to be much less choosy. Men tended to select nearly every woman above a certain minimum attractiveness threshold, Todd said.
The men also appeared to be much less choosy. Men tended to select nearly every woman above a certain minimum attractiveness threshold, Todd said.
I'm sure everyone is shocked.
I've been getting a kick out of the creativity of writers on Larry Craig's "wide stance" excuse:
Craig's wide stance born of a narrow view
Larry Craig Takes Wide Stance on Quitting
A Senator's Wide Stance: 'I Am Not Gay'
A wide stance on ethics
Larry Craig's 'wide stance' on coal and timber
Craig's wide stance born of a narrow view
Larry Craig Takes Wide Stance on Quitting
A Senator's Wide Stance: 'I Am Not Gay'
A wide stance on ethics
Larry Craig's 'wide stance' on coal and timber
I find it rather amusing and ironic, that a president, making a major speech on education, would make an elementary error in use of English.
NEW YORK, Sept. 26 — As a candidate, George W. Bush once asked, “Is our children learning?”
Now he has an answer.
“Childrens do learn,” he said Wednesday.
http://daytonos.com/?p=331
Here is the video to yesterday's gaffe. It’s at 8:44 in the clip. Secretary of Education, Margaret Spellings, to Bush’s right on the screen seems unfazed.
http://mfile.akamai.com/5913/wmv/whitehous...0070926-1.v.asx
Not to be too concerned, though. No pun intended, but whitehouse.gov got it right. Bush is indeed sic.
http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/20...20070926-1.html
NEW YORK, Sept. 26 — As a candidate, George W. Bush once asked, “Is our children learning?”
Now he has an answer.
“Childrens do learn,” he said Wednesday.
http://daytonos.com/?p=331
Here is the video to yesterday's gaffe. It’s at 8:44 in the clip. Secretary of Education, Margaret Spellings, to Bush’s right on the screen seems unfazed.
http://mfile.akamai.com/5913/wmv/whitehous...0070926-1.v.asx
Not to be too concerned, though. No pun intended, but whitehouse.gov got it right. Bush is indeed sic.
QUOTE
As yesterday's positive Report Card shows, childrens [sic] do learn when standards are high and results are measured.
http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/20...20070926-1.html
QUOTE(carlitoswhey @ Oct 23 2007, 04:53 PM)
This wins. I almost peed myself.
(we've done some work with the Romney campaign as a customer... this fits to a tee)
QUOTE(carlitoswhey @ Oct 23 2007, 02:53 PM)
I've been laughing for a good two minutes over that now. I'm sure it was completely innocent though. I mean, maybe he's just getting ready to check Hillary's Prostate?
QUOTE(carlitoswhey @ Oct 23 2007, 05:53 PM)
Thus proving Men never mature past 18. If you thought fart jokes were funny then, you'll laugh at them at 40, 60, 80...
I, for one, can't stop laughing.
QUOTE(Jaime @ Oct 25 2007, 07:05 PM)
Throw in Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd and I'd buy some shirts!
Who you gonna call? Terrorist Busters!!! *dances*
QUOTE(Jaime @ Oct 25 2007, 10:05 PM)
Excellent use of our federal dollars.
Why can't I get paid to do something worthless? That logo's almost as good as DHS's sketch of Vin Diesel. Which reminds me...
Stripper visits school in booking mix-up
QUOTE
“To be fair to the teacher, you could tell she was just stunned, and when the cream came out she told the stripper: ‘That’s it. That’s enough’.”
Oh my gosh, that's hilarious. I wonder what that kid was thinking? "Is this part of the cirriculum? 'Cuz I like this class!"
A few dumb Bush phrases:
50. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." -at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002
49. "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." -Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001
48. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." -Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001
47. "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." --Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001
46. "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a -- you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/bushquo...bbushquotes.htm
A few dumb Bush phrases:
50. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." -at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002
49. "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." -Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001
48. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." -Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001
47. "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." --Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001
46. "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a -- you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/bushquo...bbushquotes.htm
QUOTE(carlitoswhey @ Oct 23 2007, 12:53 PM)
Dude- tha doesn't JUST qualify- it MAKES the definition
I saw this when I turned on the computer this a.m. and had to take time out of my crazy school schedule to post it.
Santa's told to stop saying ho ho ho! Instead they must say "HA HA HA"
Santa's told to stop saying ho ho ho! Instead they must say "HA HA HA"
Sorry if this is old news, but if someone brought this up I missed it (the quote is from Dick Cheney, on November 2nd, in Dallas):
QUOTE
MODERATOR: Our attention is focused on Iraq, Iran and the wider Middle East. However, much of the world is watching closely Hugo Chavez of Venezuela. How concerned are you about his influence?
CHENEY:
We have refrained from making public pronouncements about Mr. Chavez — I think, for good and legitimate reasons. He’s a — obviously, an individual with his own agenda. And he spends a great deal of his time worrying about us and criticizing the United States.
My own personal view is that he does not represent the future of Latin America. And the people of Peru, I think, deserve better in their leadership. But that’s obviously a matter they’ve got to resolve for themselves.
CHENEY:
We have refrained from making public pronouncements about Mr. Chavez — I think, for good and legitimate reasons. He’s a — obviously, an individual with his own agenda. And he spends a great deal of his time worrying about us and criticizing the United States.
My own personal view is that he does not represent the future of Latin America. And the people of Peru, I think, deserve better in their leadership. But that’s obviously a matter they’ve got to resolve for themselves.
QUOTE(Mrs. Pigpen @ Nov 21 2007, 07:23 AM)
Sorry if this is old news, but if someone brought this up I missed it (the quote is from Dick Cheney, on November 2nd, in Dallas):
QUOTE
MODERATOR: Our attention is focused on Iraq, Iran and the wider Middle East. However, much of the world is watching closely Hugo Chavez of Venezuela. How concerned are you about his influence?
CHENEY:
We have refrained from making public pronouncements about Mr. Chavez — I think, for good and legitimate reasons. He’s a — obviously, an individual with his own agenda. And he spends a great deal of his time worrying about us and criticizing the United States.
My own personal view is that he does not represent the future of Latin America. And the people of Peru, I think, deserve better in their leadership. But that’s obviously a matter they’ve got to resolve for themselves.
CHENEY:
We have refrained from making public pronouncements about Mr. Chavez — I think, for good and legitimate reasons. He’s a — obviously, an individual with his own agenda. And he spends a great deal of his time worrying about us and criticizing the United States.
My own personal view is that he does not represent the future of Latin America. And the people of Peru, I think, deserve better in their leadership. But that’s obviously a matter they’ve got to resolve for themselves.
You have to read the Wall Street Journal more often... The US is going to usurp Chavez and then put him in charge of Peru. Also we're going to combine Denmark and Dutchland...Holland...The Netherlands... whatever, that's why we're doing it no one knows their name anyway.
Sometimes just the asking of a question brigs snickers. 
Such was the case on Meet the Press yesterday – 12-10-2007.
If you want to hear Rudy Giuliani’s answer, click link below.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22170668/page/6/
Such was the case on Meet the Press yesterday – 12-10-2007.QUOTE
MR. TIM RUSSERT: ... would it be appropriate for a president to provide Secret Service protection for his mistress?
If you want to hear Rudy Giuliani’s answer, click link below.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22170668/page/6/
I love this thread. Something happens that qualifies almost everyday. You get a double treat today.
1. I almost aspirated my coffee when I read this about FBI wiretaps being cut off because the agency hasn’t been paying its phone bills.
Doesn't this make you feel more secure? 
http://www.star-telegram.com/national_news/story/403971.html
2. I can’t locate it in the online version of the Fort Worth Star Telegram, but My Space is sponsoring a musical tour. For $22.00 to 25.00, one gets to see such a non-dazzling list performers as Justice, D J Mehdi and Fancy on March 4th at the Palladium in Dallas.
1. I almost aspirated my coffee when I read this about FBI wiretaps being cut off because the agency hasn’t been paying its phone bills.
Doesn't this make you feel more secure? http://www.star-telegram.com/national_news/story/403971.html
2. I can’t locate it in the online version of the Fort Worth Star Telegram, but My Space is sponsoring a musical tour. For $22.00 to 25.00, one gets to see such a non-dazzling list performers as Justice, D J Mehdi and Fancy on March 4th at the Palladium in Dallas.
QUOTE(BoF @ Jan 11 2008, 04:17 PM)
I love this thread. Something happens that qualifies almost everyday. You get a double treat today.
1. I almost aspirated my coffee when I read this about FBI wiretaps being cut off because the agency hasn’t been paying its phone bills. Doesn't this make you feel more secure?
1. I almost aspirated my coffee when I read this about FBI wiretaps being cut off because the agency hasn’t been paying its phone bills.
Doesn't this make you feel more secure? That sounds like something out of The Onion.
Comedy noir. 
I saw this on another forum, and though I can't vouch for the accuracy of some of the headlines, it isn't a stretch to believe they're true. And they are pretty funny!
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
This one is just a picture. Seal team captures sub.
I don't know if this belongs here or in the political joke thread......
Ann Coulter endorses Hillary over McCain.
What can I say? Perhaps an adjoining room for Annie and Britney?
Aquilla
Ann Coulter endorses Hillary over McCain.
What can I say? Perhaps an adjoining room for Annie and Britney?
Aquilla
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