We did this once before and it was good. I believe DTOM won the popular vote.

You are in the race in all 50.
A Presidential Hopeful
A person with the charisma and shiny white teeth
Yes you can build it and they will come
You have the technology
You have the capability to be the nation's choice
You will be the President
You will be better than anyone was before
Better. Stronger. Faster


What is your Platform? Why should I vote for you?

Cool question!

And bonus +10 points for, "We have the Technology... better... stronger... faster". Dunnn DUN dun duuuuuunnnnn!

I would abolish the RIAA under the RICO Act. Americans deserve better than the injustice of a bunch of lawyers playing hacker games.

I would push for long term solutions with a twinge of Conservative values. But wait, even non-Conservatives can appreciate my ideas, because I'm not going to toe a party line.

Environment: I want to see more green energy, but not pointless, feel-good measures. Award car manufacturers for making more efficient cars without penalty. Or use a saltwater system for toilets. There's no sense in using clean drinkable water you just flush. Tax credits for upgrades like skylights, solar water heaters and really usher in solar panels that would be able to produce a majority of power for most homes.

Economy: Completely cut un-necessary waste. Make the government pay retail, which helps the economy. $50.00 hammers and $30.00 toilet seats are a joke. Buy the cheap crap like the rest of us, and use duct-tape when it breaks instead of sticking the taxpayer with your lavish, Paris-Hilton-like spending habits. Here's your budget, and when you need more, make a Powerpoint Presentation and make your case. It better be good, because if your presentation sucks, you will not receive another penny more than what was already allotted to you. Do a bake sale or a cake walk.

Political: No tacking crap onto Senate bills. If you want to fund gnat research in Oregon, make your own stupid bill so that any sane person can reject such idiocy. Don't tack it to a measure that is completely unrelated (and usually really useful). Also, dump the line-item veto. If the bill was good enough for the House, and the Senate, then it's either good enough for the President to accept as is, or veto as is. The fact the bill got that far is amazing, let's just be in awe of that.

Elections: Instead of having a big Presidential Gala that costs the taxpayers thousands of dollars upon my election, I'll invite the Counting Crows and Tom Petty to do a performance on the White House lawn, complete with barbecue. The money we WOULD have spent on tables with candles and streamers falling all over the place would instead go to a Children's hospital or a burn center. And so my Congress doesn't make drunks of themselves on my first day, no booze. That's expensive, and again, there are more worthwhile uses. If you don't like it, get drunk at your local bar on your own dime. I'll be hanging with Adam and Tom. If you LOSE the Presidential election, the rest of your election fund has to go to a charitable, non-profit organization to help less fortunate people.

Crime: If you rape someone, be prepared to die. If you kill someone without cause, be prepared to die. If you steal from them, expect to compensate them twice what you stole. And if you paint graffiti and get caught, your address will be published in the Sunday paper, so that the following week, anybody can some spray paint whatever they want on YOUR house. Nobody wants to see your stupid initials everywhere. Also, the Castle Doctrine applies nationwide. If you break in, don't expect to get out.

Jails: Joe Arpaio style. No TV, air conditioning optional (see Economy regarding budgets), and you get a crappy low budget meal at every sitting. Jail isn't supposed to be fun. It's a punishment. If you don't want the punishment, follow the rules like the rest of us have to, or deal with your decision. Any jail term that is in excess of 60 years is an automatic death penalty case. If you did something that deserves 60 years, it's probably unrehabitable. Blame your parents, because they did a terrible job of raising you. Oh, and I wouldn't build any more jails. If there are 2 beds and 3 people, I'll leave it to the criminals to figure out who gets to sleep on the floor. If it's 5 people and 2 beds, well, you better learn to get along. I'm not building any multi-million dollar facilities for screwups. There are other uses. (Refer to Children's hospital and Burn Centers for recipients of necessary funds).

Social Security: Bill the last two decades of Congress members for the IOU's they took out. It was your decision, now it's your problem. Better turn in those mansions and fancy cars, because people are waiting for the money. Privatize accounts. That way, if you worked for it, it'll be there when you retire.

Immigration: Come in legally. WE decide if we need more immigrants, and will raise the lottery as necessary. Cheaters don't prosper here, and if that's your first act in this country, then you'll go back. And the Mexican government gets the tab for the expenses.

Anchor babies: If you dropped your anchor here, then pick it up and take it back over. You carried it for 9 months, you can carry it for another 2 days on the way back.

Oversees jobs: If you outsource your workforce to a different country that could be done here, you better be prepared to move your headquarters over there too. I hope the trade agreements work out for you.

Kids: If you molest a kid, you're done. There's just no helping you, and if there was, it's too expensive for the taxpayers to try. Your decision cost you. How dare you wreck the life of a child for your own devious whims, and taking a child's innocence is intolerable. Write down your last meal request, thank you, and good day.

The U.N.: We will pay exactly equal to what other countries pay. Not other rich countries, ALL participating countries. Hence the name, UNITED Nations. If we continue to do what we've done, we'll have the American-funded-nation-complaint-forum-for-the-world, and call it what it really is. If the U.N. is busted for another scandal involving a leader, that leader is done. No investigation, no questions. They should already be above reproach in all ways. Kofi, that means your rotten kid, too. And if we're going to have a U.N., then we MUST set standards for equality. Women are equal, as are all nationalities. If a nation can't respect women, they don't get to play. Sorry. Come to the 21st Century, and we'll leave a plate of food in the microwave for you. If medicine is necessary, the U.N. can buy from a country that produces medicines at market value and distribute how they see fit. And if another nation is struggling, then the U.N. can pass a plate. Whatever country wants to be generous, can be. No more "Demanding America pay their fair share" crap. Our dollars and efforts have saved lives and nations. We won't be punished for making the right decisions when other nations have made the wrong ones, and we will get up and leave when you berate us.

Religion: Anybody is free to practice (or not) the religion of their choice. We have to get along, and a little tolerance goes a long way on everybody's part.

Gasoline: We need more refineries to keep costs down and production up. And we will build them.

Television: We need to find a replacement for Drew Carey on The Price is Right. And Denis Leary will be a Late Night Talk Show host.

Advertising: Any medications or mention of herpes, erectile dysfunction, hair-growth stimulants or vaginal maladies will be prohibited during the hours of 4pm through 9pm so that some of us can enjoy our dinner time without trying to choke down our macaroni-and-cheese through the interrupted mock-situations of those struck with genital related illnesses.

Shopping: If your kid is screaming, being obnoxious or damaging stuff in a shopping environment, and you don't discipline them, WE get to discipline them.

Cell phones: If you talk in public on a cell phone, you will be required to wear a phone booth on your head. We don't want to hear your stupid conversations.

Politicians: If you can't keep promises or loyalties to your spouse whom you claim to love, how can you keep your promises and loyalties to your country whom you merely represent for a few years? You're too shallow for office, and you're better off hanging out with the likes of Newt Gingrich or Larry Craig. Your personal scandals and sexual escapades embarrass the people who voted for you, and you're just too tacky to be taken seriously, much less trusted with a position of power. I've seen teenagers with more self control.

Politicians Part 2: When voting yea or nay, each Congressman/woman will have to review what the majority of their state says, and vote accordingly. Not their own personal political opinion, but the opinion of the people they represent. Any objection should be to better benefit the state, not fall into a party line or personal drivel. That's how it's supposed to work. Any Congressmember who knows his state wants something and refuses to represent that to the nation is a traitor.

I think that about covers it.

You should vote for me because we need what is missing from Congress, our lawmakers and our recent administrations: Sanity.

I'd win surely.... no bones about it...

FLAT TAX- FLAT TAX- FLAT TAX!!!!!!
It would surely make a ton of really rich and poor people mad, but the droves of people that turn out at the polls would be an overwhelming majority. It also would increase the tax base by 3-4 times, and basically dissolve the existing IRS.

Seriously, what impacts middle America more than anything? Taxes. My wife and I will have paid in nearly $28K by the end of the year. We'll get a little bit back, but truly not much.

A flat tax would save us no less than $10K. If that's true for us, what about the other millions/billions of people that could take the money and re-invest it, pay off bills, etc???

In my opinion, taxation and interest rates are the most important ways that a government impacts it's people. Sure, the war and/or social welfare plans impact people, but what about the general public? Being a vet, there were times that I worried about going back to Afghanistan/Iraq, but even those days are gone. I'm not a recipient of welfare programs, so taxes are it. Most Americans are in the same boat.

THEN, I'd force the USELESS UN to begin to ACTUALLY DO SOME GOOD, or PULL US FINANCIAL AND MILITARY BACKING!!!! Ugh. I hate the UN. We spend more $$ than anyone, and give more troop support... only for them to turn a blind eye to things like Darfur and Rwanda.

Also, I'd give MASSIVE tax breaks for alternative energy and fuel measures. People would actually have to invest in things like wind power, solar power, and flex fuel vehicles... but then I'd give back federal funding in the form of tax breaks. If a windmill on your ranch in S Texas costs $40K, maybe give $5-10K breaks over a 4-5 year period. Solar Panels? The same, etc. Buy a flex fuel truck and turn in reciepts that show you're actually using flex fuel? WHAMMO- tax breaks.

Consider that in places like Dallas, one home's solar panels (particularly during summer) can provide the whole street with electricity. (dep on panel size and usage)

Finally, I'd give the US Military 365 days to set goals and achieve them unfettered in Iraq. I'd give MASSIVE tax breaks for anyone who can invest in and establish viable and secured industry in Iraq, and force Iraqi %'s of ownership. For instance, if Company X puts a plant in Southern Iraq, they'd have to employ a plan for Iraqi investment and/or employee ownership via aggressive stock programs.

Nothing stops the bombing and insurgent attacks like Cars in the driveway, color TV, and retirement plans....

What is your Platform? Why should I vote for you?

I WILL close the borders.
I will send home all the illegal aliens convicted of crimes.
I will put a stop to Outsourcing.
I will creat a Universal Healthcare plan for all US citizens.
All Mexicans residing in the US will be FORCED to learn English and those who don't will be sent back to Mexico.
Anyone in jail for marijuana will be set free.
Anyone in jail for harming a child in any way, shape or form, will stay indefinitely.
I will make it a crime to adminster psychiatric drugs to children for "behavior disorders".
I will put a Federal ban on smoking in all public places.
I will give a hefty humongous tax credit to all women who can get to age 24 without having a child.
I will make driving while talking on a cell phone limited to people who pass a rigorous field driving/talking test.
I will make English the only language used in public schools and government agencies.

And that is just my first year on office.

Scary.

Hm, stuff I would do:

• Begin an orderly withdrawal from Iraq and scrape any U.S.-Kurdish oil deals. Abandon U.S. military bases the Pentagon has built throughout the country, including two outposts right on oil terminals in the Persian Gulf, unless the Iraqi parliament negotiates a SOFA agreement that makes U.S. service members subject to the UCMJ and only the UCMJ for offenses committed in their country. Even then, I would drastically scale back Iraq as a 6-month rotation stop for squadrons to a maximum 1 year duty station with re-ups for service members interested in staying overseas to resemble forces and processes we already have in place in states like Japan or Germany. These security agreements are not interminable and are contingent upon the recognized central government's ability to crack down on corruption, internal security compromises and militias. There will be no permanent presence without the consent of Congress.
• Give the sprawling embassy over to Iraqis and start from scratch if they agree to the above. We don't need 100 diplomats and thousands of their attendants living it up in Baghdad while the host nation licks its wounds.
• Make sure the medical necessities of wounded Iraq and Afghanistan veterans are taken care of for as long as need be.
• Have a chat with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and determine whether and how many forces we take out of Iraq should be diverted to Afghanistan to kill bin Laden and his top deputies and break the resurgent Taliban's back.
• Stop supporting extending NATO treaties to former Soviet states.
• Scale back as many global security commitments as we can.
• Stop dealing with China and any repressive regime. If that means cutting off their markets to U.S. businesses, so be it. It will certainly mean some U.S. businesses in surveillance and arms will be cut off.
• Balance the budget. If that takes unfairly taxing top 1 percent earners I won't apologize.
• Encourage Congress to leave the "Drug War" to the states.
• Encourage Congress to reinstate the post-Depression Glass-Steagall Act and other regulatory rules/laws to stop crazy mortgage bundles created through diversified securization and avoid another mortgage bubble. Greed is never a casualty of Darwinian free markets. It doesn't learn; it waits for opportunity to knock again.
• Stop treating NAFTA as if it were a treaty. It isn't.
• Veto any bills Congress passes that provides agricultural subsidies unless these subsidies are aimed to phase out USDA giveaways by leaving out top trough agribusinesses like Archer Daniels Midlands Company and are scaled back to benefit real small farmers over a period of 5 years, after which all agricultural subsidies will cease unless foreign exports threaten to put small to medium farms out of business. Sorry for refusing to commit to absolutely no subsidies ever, libertarians. I don't worship at the altar of Austrian economics and I think the idea that global economic interdependence can stop conflict is a whole lot of nonsense.
• Veto any pro-tariff bills. Steel workers and companies can hate me or modernize their processes.
• Find a way to scale back the Dept. of Education and other executive agencies without gutting their primary functions. Some offices within executive agencies can be completely scrapped. The USDA's Foreign Agricultural Office which "works to improve foreign market access for U.S. products, build new markets, improve the competitive position of U.S. agriculture in the global marketplace" for example, needs to be canned. If we want to be a pro-free trade capitalist society we'll let the markets decide for good or ill or adjust our ideological stance towards our own markets and foreign markets.
• Another example of bills I'd veto is the creation of the tri-nation highway connecting Mexico and Canada in the Midwest. This "economic solution" to increased cargo demands (the Nasco Corridor) is lobbied by corporate interest groups that want to break the hold unions have on the West Coast.
• Put Social Security back on a break even system and remove the trust fund that broke the link between capital expenditure and liability and is being sucked into the general fund. Thanks for a whole lot of nothing, Greenspan. I'd also let the rich and "rugged individuals" in their early 20s opt out of Social Security for life, taking them off the Social Security tax roll with the understanding that they'll never be eligible to enroll no matter what befalls them. If checks are supposed to be proportionate to what contributors make how much they made during their working lifetime shouldn't matter.
• Veto congressional funding that continues transforming the FBI into a domestic intelligence/spying agency.
• Veto any PATRIOT Act extensions.
• Veto any FISA amendments that make warrantless taps easier than it needs to be (spying).
• Did I mention balance the budget?
• Fire FCC Chairman Kevin Martin and break up media oligopolies.
• After all is said and done, maybe, maybe encourage Congress to go to a flat tax. I'd really like to use money to drag the American public kicking and screaming towards energy independence. I assume cutting off financial access to repressive regimes (Saudi Arabia, Equatorial Guinea, etc.) will encourage private R&D to accommodate shortages to a level that can meet the demands of our economic activities.

This list isn't exhaustive but my time is.

As God/Emperor of the Lounited States of America I would:

Abolish Connecticut - those people can't drive. I would use the dead to fill in the Long Island Sound and thus reduce traffic in the (now) Bi-State Area.

Remove the jury system from the State of California - they clearly can't handle it.

Force Denmark and Dutchland, or The Netherlands, or Holland or whatever they Hell they call that damned country to join each other and form one country called Denmark. Using nano technology I will move the two land masses together. Finally the tyranny of the Dutch and their multiple monickers will be over forever.

I will attack Africa. (Yes the continent!) Thusly removing the "weird diseases" from the Earth.

I would have US Scientists and Economists work out exactly how much blood is worth exactly how much oil so we'll know better for next time.

I would stop all foreign aid to all countries. If you need a twenty ask on Friday but otherwise leave US alone.

Two words: Flat Tax. Two more words: Seventeen Percent. If we can't get it done with that money then we go without. No loop holes either, you made 50K, give me 17%. You gave money to charity? That's great give me 17% of 50K. You own a company and it made 250K? Great give me 17%. You employ 200 people? Awesome, give me 17% of 250K.

Winona Ryder will be cloned and I will invoke the Winona Ryder Rider in my marriage license. OW! No I won't be OW, doing that. Winona Ryder will be imprisoned.