On Christmas of all days, we received a phone call that the daughter of a close friend died in her sleep. I can't imagine the shock this brought on the family. It was entirely shocking to me as well. She had always been healthy and even an autopsy hasn't been able to confirm the reason for her death. They think she must have had a seizure in her sleep...it would have been her third seizure ever, she rarely had them. She was a beautiful and sweet girl, and only nineteen years old.

I set up a meal chain, so friends will be bringing them food for the next two weeks. Her memorial was two days ago, and the funeral yesterday. They have lots of friends and family over now, but they are scheduled to leave Monday and I'm trying to think of ideas to help them after that. I can't imagine how devastating this is for them, and I would like to help in some way. Does anyone have experience dealing with something like this and could offer some advice?

I have no experience at all dealing with tragedy. I can only offer some things I have heard from wiser folks.

Let them know that you are there for them, but let them have space to themselves when they need it. Being surrounded by friends and relatives at a time like this can be just as stressful as being without them. Try to strike the right balance.

Don't be afraid to talk, in positive ways, about the deceased. That doesn't mean that every moment has to be spent discussing their loss; but it doesn't mean that you should avoid the subject as if it were taboo.

You for my best wishes for meeting this very difficult challenge.

I unfortunately had the experience of dealing with this sort of thing many years ago when the father of my best friend, Ron, died in a gun accident. I was in 8th grade, he in 9th at the time. He himself has since died from brain cancer. What I found seems to help is to remember the person who died in good times. When Ron's dad died we spent most of the night talking about the good times we had with his dad. Camping trips and the fart contests we had after an overdose of baked beans. The time we got in trouble when I shot a flaming arrow into Ron's cardboard fort and damn near burned the neighborhood down. All kinds of memories that just seemed to come up. Just before Ron died, I visited him in the hospital in Denton, Texas and spent a lot of the time with him and his family talking about the "old days". The good times, the goofy things we did, the fun we had. Victoria is right about not being afraid to talk about your friends daughter. But, it's more important to talk about her life than it is about her death.

Aquilla

You are definitely on the right track. Meals are a wonderful, practical help. Being willing to share memories and listen is also excellent advice. The only thing I can add is to specifically ask your friend if there is something else you can do to help. Offer to run errands, clean house, etc. Back off if they want space, but repeat your offer a few days later so they know you are serious.

Lots of experience with this.

Listen a lot more than talk. Past that it depends on the person with whom you deal. The loss of a child is the hardest thing for parents. You're not supposed to outlive your kids, and when it happens like this there could be a lot of guilt involved. Don't say it was God's will. That doesn't help -- okay, so now what did I do to tick off God that much? It's a Judea-Christian thing.

Stuff happens works. I was shoulder-to-shoulder at a funeral reception with a guy who'd lost his best friend all through life. Telling him that this sure sucks (exact words) helped. Then we talked like Aquilla says, remembering the good times. This might only work for guys. We'd rather laugh than cry, at least in public. In a strange twist that might be Coloradan, the guy's widow put the ashes in her garden. I think that might be illegal now, but it brings meaning to the term, "pushing up daisies."

Women seem to prefer a quiet, sincere hug, at least the ones I've known going through this stuff. Just let 'em cry, maybe put a reassuring arm around, be strong.

I personally would want to be left alone so I could take long drives and walks. It's like being sick. I'd accept meals or any kind of consumable goody, including cases of bourbon. Yeah, I know it's not supposed to help. I think of it as legal Percodan. The pain's still there, sitting in the corner, bound and gaged. Deal with that bahstahd later.

This is also going to freak out any siblings. She was way too young to have died in her sleep. I have no idea how to handle that. My first experience was my father going in a car wreck, and that took a couple years to control. When my sister passed, she was old and I knew how to handle it. Can't imagine losing a sister in her teens. Maybe the listen-more-than-talk rule works for this.

Edited to add: Also expect these people to absolutely hate the holiday season from here on out. If they act in very strange ways next year, this is why. The real celebration day will be either December 26 or January 2. Phew, got through another one and nobody we know died.