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akaCG
First:

For those among us who are not familiar with The Onion, please familiarize yourself with it before you "play" in this thread:

Here's the Wiki article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_onion

And here's their website: http://www.theonion.com/

Second:

The purpose of this thread is for all of us to have lots of fun by posting hyperlinked real-life HEADLINES (and only headlines; i.e. no quoted excerpts and stuff) of real-life NEWS articles (not editorial/opinion/commentary/blog pieces) that are so absurd/ridiculous/uproariously humorous/etc. that they could have just as easily come from The Onion.

Third:

The subject matter of the articles/stories need not be related to politics, btw, although I wouldn't be surprised if it turns that most of them are. Kinda natural, what with this being a political debate site and all.

OK. Having taken care of the not-so-fun procedural stuff, let me start things off with ...

"Poll gives Obama edge over Romney on alien invasion"



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Mrs. Pigpen
N. Korea blasts use of its flag in US-S. Korea exercise

In case it isn't readily apparent why this belongs in the Onion: N. Korean "stuff".
akaCG
QUOTE(Curmudgeon @ Jun 28 2012, 07:39 PM) *

That's an "editorial/opinion/commentary/blog piece", not a NEWS story.

FAIL.

Try again.

Curmudgeon
QUOTE(akaCG @ Jun 28 2012, 09:37 PM) *
QUOTE(Curmudgeon @ Jun 28 2012, 07:39 PM) *

That's an "editorial/opinion/commentary/blog piece", not a NEWS story.

FAIL.

Try again.

QUOTE
The purpose of this thread is for all of us to have lots of fun by posting hyperlinked real-life HEADLINES (and only headlines; i.e. no quoted excerpts and stuff) of real-life NEWS articles (not editorial/opinion/commentary/blog pieces) that are so absurd/ridiculous/uproariously humorous/etc. that they could have just as easily come from The Onion.


I thought this was a conversation and not a PASS/FAIL test to see if I could remain employed!

I heard the quotation on the television behind me and did a search for:
QUOTE
Rand Paul: It's Not Constitutional Just Because The Supreme Court Says So

The search returned 15,500,000 results. As you did not want us to quote excerpts, etc., I presumed that you wanted a straightforward one line unexplained link such as you usually post. Therefore I did not bother to search, read, and edit revery link on the Internet! If you think I intend to read through that many articles to find an article that meets your criteria, you have a very inflated opinion of my need to please your ego... I am certain that when I see the same article, headline, etc. repeated that many times that the idiot actually said "Just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare something to be 'constitutional' does not make it so." ( LINK )

OOPS! I researched it, found other links, quoted excerpts. Yep! I really am failing this stupid class teacher. Now why don't you take a beer to the teachers lounge and go on strike!
BoF
QUOTE(Curmudgeon @ Jun 28 2012, 11:17 PM) *
QUOTE(akaCG @ Jun 28 2012, 09:37 PM) *
QUOTE(Curmudgeon @ Jun 28 2012, 07:39 PM) *

That's an "editorial/opinion/commentary/blog piece", not a NEWS story.

FAIL.

Try again.

QUOTE
The purpose of this thread is for all of us to have lots of fun by posting hyperlinked real-life HEADLINES (and only headlines; i.e. no quoted excerpts and stuff) of real-life NEWS articles (not editorial/opinion/commentary/blog pieces) that are so absurd/ridiculous/uproariously humorous/etc. that they could have just as easily come from The Onion.


I thought this was a conversation and not a PASS/FAIL test to see if I could remain employed!

I heard the quotation on the television behind me and did a search for:
QUOTE
Rand Paul: It's Not Constitutional Just Because The Supreme Court Says So

The search returned 15,500,000 results. As you did not want us to quote excerpts, etc., I presumed that you wanted a straightforward one line unexplained link such as you usually post. Therefore I did not bother to search, read, and edit revery link on the Internet! If you think I intend to read through that many articles to find an article that meets your criteria, you have a very inflated opinion of my need to please your ego... I am certain that when I see the same article, headline, etc. repeated that many times that the idiot actually said "Just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare something to be 'constitutional' does not make it so." ( LINK )

OOPS! I researched it, found other links, quoted excerpts. Yep! I really am failing this stupid class teacher. Now why don't you take a beer to the teachers lounge and go on strike!

It's not hard to see the author taking his own thread down the crapper fairly soon.

Curmudgeon
Supreme Court Health Care Ruling: CNN, Fox News Wrong On Individual Mandate

My apologies to Rand Paul, perhaps he really thought the Supreme Court ruling was 7-2 against and not 5-4 in favor. (I did not hear that it had been misreported until circa 3:00 AM.)

My apologies also to akaCG amd other readers of this thread. I've been around long enough to know the rules.

QUOTE(Rules: B II.)
Personal attacks, name-calling, or belittling another member. This includes telling other members to shut up or be quiet, as well as telling other members they are not qualified to post their opinions.

I took akaCG's remarks as a personal attack, and I should simply have reported them as such.

I've put in my time on the picket line... Time to switch from coffee, kick back, and think about having a beer. beer.gif

I'll check back for new posts when the cat comes home... beer.gif beer.gif beer.gif alien.gif hmmm.gif

N.B. Note to self... Tell Mitt Romney to switch channels for confirmation before he orders a nuclear attack on the San Andreas Fault to fight the previously mentioned alien invasion...
akaCG
Inmates to test new locks at Atlanta jail.

akaCG
"Revitalizing Detroit? Consider zombies."

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Mrs. Pigpen
Boyfriend assaults girlfriend with steak sauce over ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

blink.gif

Edited to add: As a side note, I can't imagine what they were arguing over? Why can't you be a 27 year old drop dead gorgeous self-made billionaire who would inexplicably like me (excuse me, someone similar to me) and buy me lots of expensive stuff, even if I have the personality of a brown paper bag, and no discernible talent or intelligence?
(you have to read the book to "get it"...puts the c in craptastic, in my estimation, though I am elated that someone with such marginal writing ability could make a best-seller, gives me hope for my book...if I can ever finish it)
AuthorMusician
QUOTE(Mrs. Pigpen @ Jul 12 2012, 07:34 PM) *
Boyfriend assaults girlfriend with steak sauce over ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

blink.gif

Edited to add: As a side note, I can't imagine what they were arguing over? Why can't you be a 27 year old drop dead gorgeous self-made billionaire who would inexplicably like me (excuse me, someone similar to me) and buy me lots of expensive stuff, even if I have the personality of a brown paper bag, and no discernible talent or intelligence?
(you have to read the book to "get it"...puts the c in craptastic, in my estimation, though I am elated that someone with such marginal writing ability could make a best-seller, gives me hope for my book...if I can ever finish it)


Hilarious and appropriate. Have a little sauce with that piece of meat, eh? SNL did a good lampoon of the pornography masked as literature, ah, I mean the romance genre: Look Mommy, A Microphone!

Admittedly, it does sell well. So does crack and meth.
akaCG
"Town Assigns 'Easy' Parking Spots to Women"

Mrs. Pigpen
QUOTE(akaCG @ Jul 13 2012, 02:16 PM) *


That's genius! laugh.gif
AuthorMusician
QUOTE(AuthorMusician @ Jul 13 2012, 09:51 AM) *
QUOTE(Mrs. Pigpen @ Jul 12 2012, 07:34 PM) *
Boyfriend assaults girlfriend with steak sauce over ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

blink.gif

Edited to add: As a side note, I can't imagine what they were arguing over? Why can't you be a 27 year old drop dead gorgeous self-made billionaire who would inexplicably like me (excuse me, someone similar to me) and buy me lots of expensive stuff, even if I have the personality of a brown paper bag, and no discernible talent or intelligence?
(you have to read the book to "get it"...puts the c in craptastic, in my estimation, though I am elated that someone with such marginal writing ability could make a best-seller, gives me hope for my book...if I can ever finish it)


Hilarious and appropriate. Have a little sauce with that piece of meat, eh? SNL did a good lampoon of the pornography masked as literature, ah, I mean the romance genre: Look Mommy, A Microphone!

Admittedly, it does sell well. So does crack and meth.


Here's the voice of Duke Nukem reading from Fifty Shades:

My inner woman was doing the dance of the seven veils

Not a headline, but comedians are having great fun with this trilogy.
akaCG
A reminder, from the OP:

"... NEWS articles (not editorial/opinion/commentary/blog pieces) ..."

More challenging, no doubt. But that's part of the fun.

mrsparkle.gif

Raptavio
QUOTE(akaCG @ Aug 1 2012, 12:28 PM) *
A reminder, from the OP:

"... NEWS articles (not editorial/opinion/commentary/blog pieces) ..."

More challenging, no doubt. But that's part of the fun.

mrsparkle.gif


Oh, you're right. My bad.
Mrs. Pigpen
Thief Plays the 'Cougar' Card to Lower Prison Sentence.

blink.gif

AuthorMusician
QUOTE(Mrs. Pigpen @ Aug 2 2012, 07:18 PM) *


Here it is again! Double triple wow take, and enough disgust to fuel the city of New York for a year.
Raptavio
By way of apology, an actual news headline:

83 million Facebook accounts are fakes and dupes
Bikerdad
Kangaroo escapes with help of fox and boar.
Bikerdad
Porn group: filming to halt during syphilis probe
Bikerdad
Lab tech parties with escaped monkeys

This is why they don't allow banana nog in laboratories.
akaCG
"Man convicted of molesting a dead deer and shooting a horse to have sex with it assaulted female cop after shoplifting from Walmart"

Bonus:
This happened in Wisconsin, where The Onion was founded.
akaCG
"British-designed skyscraper resembles big pants, say angry Chinese"

From the article:
QUOTE
...
Some were more risqué with their critiques, pointing out that London’s phallus-like “Little Cucumber” — Norman Foster’s 30 St Mary Axe or Gherkin project— would fit snuggly inside Suzhou’s Gate to the East.
...

Yup. Its shape and dimensions would indeed be just about a perfect fit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/30_St_Mary_Axe

Raptavio
Rick Santorum: Conservatives Will "Never Have The Elite, Smart People On Our Side"

And this one's actually a news headline.

EDIT; fixed URL
akaCG
"Obama Lawn Sign Attacked By Deer"

ps:
"Republican lawn signs in the neighborhood were left untouched by the deer." laugh.gif

Bikerdad
This one's a tough one. Does it belong here, or in "News That Isn't A Shock" question.gif

Experts: Alcohol enemas 'extremely dangerous'
Curmudgeon
QUOTE(akaCG @ Sep 22 2012, 02:06 PM) *
"Obama Lawn Sign Attacked By Deer"

ps:
"Republican lawn signs in the neighborhood were left untouched by the deer." :lol:

Fascinating... Was the attack deer a registered voter with an appropriate photo ID?
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