How's everyone? I have been gone a while (work), but I just got back and I had some things that have come up. I figured this is the best forum to get advice from a wide array of perspectives. OK, here goes, my wife has a guy that she has been friends with for a long time, but they never used to talk. For some reason, about 3-4 months ago he started to call her at least 2-3 times a day, everyday. Whenever we are at home together (we only see each other on the weekends because of our schedules.) he always calls, and whenever we are out he always calls her cell phone. I am not a jealous guy, but the amount of times that he calls makes me feel like he does not respect me as her husband. My wife is good friends with all of my buddies, but they would never call her everyday because they know that is disrespectful, as I would not call some of their wives 2-3 times a day either. I do not know this guy very well, and plus I know how single guys are, because I used to be one.. I have talked to her about it and she has reassured me that there is nothing other than friendship going on, and I believe her. It is just that I feel he does not give me the respect he should as her husband. I do not want to tell her he can only call once a day, or something stupid like that, but it bothers me as much as he calls her. I mean, am I being stupid? I just want to get some other peoples' input, and the people here at A.D. seemed to be the best place. Thanks in advance!!

Stotty,

I think this is a serious issue for you to deal with with your wife. You may feel a little sheepish about trying to limit their contact, but it is obvious that this bothers you for several reasons.

If it helps I would have at least as strong of a reaction as you do.

However I bring some baggage into this situation because my first marriage (which I think in all other ways was very strong) broke up because I was so laid back about things like this and we had a very different schedule as well.

Tell her it bothers you and why and see if she has any suggestions to make your situation better. But I say resolve it to the point where you feel that you are being properly respected by all persons involved.

You are not "being stupid", Stotty.

The person who is calling your wife is behaving inappropriately. I believe you should bring the fact that it bothers you to your wife's attention. Explain that you trust her, but it is not appropriate for any man to call a married woman so many times during the day. He is disrespecting you as a husband. I must add that she ought to have drawn the line as well, and you should not be in this uncomfortable position. She can have friends, but you're her best friend, and she should have the maturity to know when a situation becomes unreasonable.

Stotty,

I am certainly no expert in this area. My only advice is to keep on talking with your wife and show her you care about her and the relationship.

Lots of blues lyrics running around in my head, but if he doesn't want her peaches then he shouldn't shake her tree.

I'd never call a married woman for reasons other than business. So what business is this guy in? It's definately your business to know. Maybe next time he calls you can ask? You know, politely, like, "Hey mofo, what business you got with MY WIFE??????"

Um, maybe not. But sometimes women need to know you'd put up a fight for them.

That's about it. Give a little tenderness, eh?

I am probably not the best person to get advise from, since I am still being questioned about the mysterious deaths of my first two wives, but ditto MrsP's comments.

Thanks for the advice guys...I am not a jealous guy at all, and I do not think anything is going on. I don't know if he is lonely or just does not have any other friends or what. I have talked to her about it, and to be honest it is the only thing we really argue about. Like I said before, she works days and I work afternoons. The only time we ever see each other is on the weekends, so I guess I feel like he is "barging" in on my time when he calls us at all hours. Apparently my wife thinks that it is OK for him to call all the time, because she has asked me if I wanted to tell him not to call, and I told her no. I don't see the point of me telling her what not to do, and plus I am not that kind of person. At the same time I want to call him and ask him if he would like it if I called his wife 3 times a day. (if he was married.) I guess I am just wishing she understood that it is not that I think she is interested in him, just that it is disrespectful of me for him to call all the time. I mean, all of her girlfriends never even call her that much, so I don't know what his issue is. Oh well...thank again everyone, I really appreciate the honest advice.

stottey I think you are being too nice. This guy should not be calling your wife 2-3 times a day. And your wife should tell him this is unacceptable. There is no such thing as can't I have a male as a freind? My ex when he decided to leave I knew was seeing a woman from work. He asked can't I have a woman as a friend? Well he left for this friend and married her. I think you have to put your foot down and maybe get an unlisted phone number. At least you will have a better peace of mind.

It sounds like this guy has a crush on your wife. Maybe the attention is something she appreciates, but it does nothing to help the guy, her, or you.

You might suggest to this guy that if he has issues, he can take them to a licensed therapist who can listen to him. Or tell him to make other friends, or get a life, or butt out.

Do your wife's female friends call her that often? If not, why would she extend special calling privileges to a male friend? Does she have other friends who have noticed how often he is calling her?

I agree with the other posters. You are right to be concerned. Looks like your wife is craving some TLC, and who better than you to provide it?

Maybe call his wife and ask her why he keeps calling your wife?

If it were me, I'd tell my wife that this irritates me, and if she asked me whether or not she should tell him not to call, I'd ask her why she was asking me that question when she should know what to do without 'passing the buck'.

Frankly I'd be pretty miffed if some dude kept calling my wife like this, and although I am not exactly the jealous type, I do get jealous.

I must add something...The correct response when she asked that question would've been yes. But, she shouldn't have asked that. She should've said," Should I tell him not to call?" Trust your instincts. Obsessive jealousy is unbecoming, but you have a legitimate concern. A person who is never jealous at all, under any condition, doesn't value their partner. I'm not jealous when a woman calls a man three times a day...unless he's my husband, because I value him more than that other, hypothetical man. If I allowed a woman to call the house that often, I believe my husband would be concerned about us.

Some pragmatic options that you might want to consider:

Pay for caller ID and an answering machine. Then when he calls, YOU will always be the one to answer the phone. (And you can document the frequency of his calls.)

Take a brief vacation together.

Can you arrange a change of shifts (or jobs) for one of you, so that you're on a shared schedule.

Try a dozen roses and a bottle of wine. You courted her once, or you wouldn't be married. Until you can figure out how to spend more time together, try making the most of the time that you are together. :flowers:

Good Luck!

Gee, what an overwhelming response! Thanks for all the advice guys. I guess I will have to start answering the phone more often and maybe asking him to chill a bit. I don't want him to think I am some psycho husband, but I also want him to know I don't like him calling my wife at all hours of the day. I think my wife understands that it bothers me, but I don't know if there is something going on in his life that he is going through that I do not know about or what. She knows I do not care about them being friends because she has gone to visit him in the past without me, and I did not get upset. I guess I don't see the point of being with someone if you do not trust them completely. Hopefully she will understand that is not that I don't want her to talk to him, but it is really a "guy thing" and a respect issue. Thanks again for all the advice.