According to a new study published by the American Psychological Association, women look for compassion, rather than mystery when looking for a life partner. I mention this because as I was watching The Bachelorette, she stated that she wanted a man who was *mysterious*



http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov03/compassion.html


Questions for debate:

1.)Do women really prefer compassion in men over mystery?(i.e.-do they want their men to be pontificating Alan Aldas)

2.)Which of these primary reasons is closest to the reason that you married your spouse?


P.S.-According to my wife, it's *mysterious* to her how I reuse dirty dishes, won't pick clothes up off the floor, and have tone deafness to female voices.

1.)Do women really prefer compassion in men over mystery?

Mystery is alluring in the beginning of any relationship. I guess one could say that most relationships begin that way. But after a while that becomes old and in fact questionable.

I agree with the findings of the study. I know I personally want someone whom I perceive as secure and is similar to me and my ideals.

Yes, as a woman, I much prefer compassion in men.
Mystery I can get at the movie theater.

The number one reason that I married my spouse was his
stability and level of responsibility. I knew he
would be a loving and devoted husband and father, and he
hasn't let me down. I've been married almost 8 years, and
we lived together for 2 years before we got married.

I don't like Alan Alda, but I am married to a compassionate man.

Mysterious sounds too much like "unreliable" to me.



Definitely compassion.

It was a mutual attraction and mutual trust that brought us together. It was also interesting conversation. My husband is a kindred spirit. We are well-suited to each other. Mystery is good for books and movies. But marriage is a questionable place for whodunits.

1.)Do women really prefer compassion in men over mystery?(i.e.-do they want their men to be pontificating Alan Aldas) If I were actively scouting for one-night-stands and nothing more, I would probably prefer 'mystery'. As that has never been my style (except in fantasy) I prefer compassion.

2.)Which of these primary reasons is closest to the reason that you married your spouse? Anyone who marries her spouse because of his 'mystery' is headed for a short-term marriage. There is very little mystery left after several years with the same person...which is nice, actually. The occasional surprise can be interesting, but it doesn't make for a comfortable lifestyle.

1. Since marriage generally means a long term commitment, it only follows that the majority of women, when seeking a marriage partner, would prefer the more stable quality of the the two. Mystery may be exciting in the short term, but is too shifty to build long term intimacy.

2. What is so attractive about my fiance is definitely his compassion. He has a large heart and truly cares about people, and has spent many years of his life working to make the world a better place for the disadvantaged and oppressed. His compassion is probably the number 1 quality I admire in him.

I personally outgrew the interest in "mystery" sometime in my late 20s.

The first sentence (above) could be used in the non-sequitur thread.
If I hadn't read the previous post it would look like you were sharing
two unrelated thoughts.

I totally agree that "mystery" equates to unreliable. Too many
women do not think about the long haul, so to speak. Mysteries eventually
get solved, then what is one left with, when the novelty wears off?

Compassion is a quality that is found in people who are also responsible,
honest, loyal, loving. I've never met a compassionate person who was
greedy, dishonest and selfish. Why many women would choose men
who aren't compassionate - that's the real mystery!

Is this a universal complaint from women towards men? I get these a lot.
Specially the tone deafness which is definetly a survival trait found in highly advanced males of the species.
The dishes thing and the clothes thing are my attempts at recycling or returning objects to their natural state.

How could anyone want to have any sort of relationship with anyone who was not compassionate?

Mystery can be interesting, but I would not choose this as the basis of even a casual friendship. Besides, every human being is a mystery to every other human being already.

Romantic love is the nothing more, and nothing less, than the ultimate stage of friendship.

I don't think such studies have any weight. Ask yourself, why would a woman want compassion? She is not the one who has to face rejectin in courtshp. She does not have to cope with lonelyness, she does not have to act the role of the agressor, and she is the one who is doing most of the dumping. So if the everage American woman still is miserble, it's because there aren't enogh mystery men around to make her life exciting. Of course if she has no sense of humor, never smiles, and has eating disorders, than maybe it's not as easy for her to get a date. But are such women normal? Yes probably there is more of them around, than the easy going, sweet, and healthy ones in America - but to me statistical majority and normalty are two dfferent things. So I guess statistically speaking the study is right. But I don't think women with healthy self esteem need pity. I think women who don't have sencere interest in ther husbands, and are after their social status or money, may use a man's pity to manipulate him. So I'd say you are lucky you got a woman who KNOWS she likes mystery, because most women don't know they want a man who is a mystery, just like a child does not know she wants a father that sets limits, because she subconsciously feels that a parent who lets her get away with anything, just does not care enough for her t take the extra care and rare her properly. A lot of women are feelers, they verbalize what is the politially correct thing to say, because they do not use logic when making decesions, but feeling. And a lot of thnking types have low self-esteem, because their psychological type clashes with the accepted stereotype of how women should behave. My conclusion - what this study means is that more and more women want to control men, because men are letting themselves be the victims, by acting the part of Mr. Nice Guy. Why would a rational man feel affection twards a stranger, without knowing their motives or background. Men shuld slow down and wait to see if that person is sencere before showing any affection. Than women would respect men more, they will not insult men's intlligence by taking advantage so blatantly. Women do want a man who is a mystery, because they understand men, and a man who is mesterious is also different. Everybody wants something special, unique. Women are no exception. Men also want a woman who is special, and that is the woman who is sweet, easygoing, honest and does not nag.

I saw Alan Alda too much on M*A*S*H* and really didn't like the Hawkeye Pierce character (--a philanderer. Now B.J. Hunnicutt...) Alas, I have typecast Alda. He might be a feminist and a really nice man in real life, but my husband is much better, and he is, among other attributes, compassionate.

I like men with a sense of their own personal style and who are not so caught-up in their own image to not be focused on the women they love.

I like a man who dates a woman because he thinks of her as a potential lifemate. In our personal case, Curmudgeon told me up-front that he intended to marry me. I am also a person who doesn't like the idea of playing around; if I don't think the man is potentially worthy enough to spend the rest of my life with him, why should I waste my time? We were of one mind, and now we have been married one day shy of sixteen years (We got married on Valentine's Day).

I much prefer a man whose life is an open book to a man who for whatever reason does not trust me enough to know about him. And that man is entitled to know about me as well.

Compassion is very important. But even compassion does not necessarily imply trust. Trust, I would say, is as important as compassion in a relationship.



Huh? Women face rejection in courtship all the time! Women experience loneliness all the time. I don't know who does most of the dumping because I've been out of the dating scene for a long time, but I can assure you that women face the same insecurities that you say men do. And sometimes women do have to take the first step, although I would not characterize it as acting the "role of the aggressor." Sometimes the best men are the shy ones.

I'm pretty sure that among the women who have posted here, not one of them has thought of compassion as pity or feeling sorry for her. More appropriately, I think they mean a compassionate man is one who treats others the way he would want to be treated and is not cruel or cold. Who would not want a kind person over a mysterious one, especially when "mysterious" might mean the man is married?

Some women may like surprises in their lives. I personally like surprises only if they are nice ones.

I'm not sure what planet you are living on, but here on planet Earth,
women are equally as vulnerable as men. Everyone suffers from
loneliness at some point in life - it is not gender exclusive. How
would you define a "mystery man," anyway? I equate mystery
with deceit. And, personally, I wouldn't trust a man who
couldn't trust a woman. In relationships there has to be a foundation
of trust and honesty, or the relationship will go nowhere, FAST.

Women who only marry for money are selling themselves short, more
than anyone else. And, usually in situations such as that, the man is also
guilty of marrying for superficial reasons (i.e. trophy wife, etc.).

It is possible for a man to be a nice guy, and also be strong and not
get walked on.

At the end of the day, do we not all want the same thing?
To love someone and be loved by someone.
(sorry for the triteness, it's Valentine's Day)