Ok,

So I've noticed I've been missed around here! I wish I could give each and everyone of you that have written me and have been concerned about me a big hug and a HUGE thank you!

The last three months have been really hard for me. My life partner and I have gone our separate ways. I moved out of our house and into a college apartment complex...joy... being 29 and living around kids isn't exactly where I was expecting to be a few short months ago.

Anyway, my heart was completely broken, without going into any sordid details. She lied to me and cheated on me. Enough said. We were together two and a half years.

I have not been to AD because though this is a very civil debate forum, it's still debating which isn't very far from arguing and I have had no desire to be in that type of enviroment, understandably so.

My question for all my good friends here, is this:

How do you do deal with bitterness and heartache? How long is long enough to be depressed and feel self loathing over a lost love before you become pathetic?



I will be around alot more, to those who have been keeping intouch with me and making sure I'm alive and well, I will never forget.

Glad to have you back Billy.

The extreme lows in life are alot like the extreme highs we experience in life, there will not be many of them but you must learn from them so you will be better suited to handle them if they come again.

I would have probably done the same that you have, and stayed away from any kind of conflicts(debate).

Don't ever think of yourself as pathetic over a lost love who was unfaithful, because you are not the one who did wrong my dear.

First off, Welcome back, Billy Jean.

To answer the questions you pose, I deal with bitterness and heartache in various ways. Throwing myself into other activities to keep busy, sitting around staring out the window on a rainy day, going to a bar where nobody knows my name and pounding brews, doing something crazy, self-indulgent and possibly childish, but with short-term gratification.

Maybe you find comfort in religion or reading The Prophet by Kahil Gibran again or engaging in a meaningless, but passionate brief affair just for the sex of it. Whatever gets you through the night.

Ask a thousand people and you'll get a thousand responses BJ. There is no such thing as "one size fits all" solutions to most of life's dilemmas.

How long is long enough to suffer over a lost love? Until it stops hurting or you can't remember their face anymore. Whichever comes first. There's no pill, no therapy and no short cut to deal with a failed relationship and that sense of loss.

All I know is if you want to get over and through a broken relationship eventually you will. Most of us need to hang onto our pain for awhile before putting it aside and getting on with what comes next. You may not have reached the point where you want to let go yet.

You can't hurry things along when you fall in or fall out of love.

Welcome back, Billy Jean, I've missed you.

I'm sorry to hear about your heartache. Dealing with it is a personal thing and each must find their own way. I can only offer you mine. I look to other friends to fill the void of being alone. Not from a romantic standpoint, but simply from a friendship standpoint. Maybe as simple as going to movie with some friends, hitting the malls or maybe a club or doing whatever you would do with friends. I just think it's important that you not withdraw and end up spending even more time alone and brooding. Brooding isn't a good thing. Heck, you could even come into AD and chat with us when you feel like staying home. You have a lot of friends here including myself and we'd be happy to help.

It is good seeing you again.

It's good to have you back, BJ

I am so sorry to hear of your awful ordeal. When I need to get my mind off of something, or endure a difficult time-period, I try to set some small, obtainable goals. For example, I might work on learning a language, running up that hill which I have always stopped short of, read an inspirational book (like Tony Robbins or 7 habits) and actively put that advice to work in my life, learn to play that instrument I always wanted to, ect. Some positive, personal triumph which will give keep you focused on accomplishing a goal. That's what I do.

Wish I could help more.

Glad to have you back Billy Jean!!!

When I'm feeling blue the first thing I tend to do is go clothes shopping. Which if you knew me you would know that is out of my character. I hate shopping and especially for clothes! After I have spent more then I can afford then I go to music. I can practice for hours and not even realize it. I suppose what I am saying is I try to keep busy. But most importantly if I need to cry I don't hold back. Although this isn't a method I do, if you like to write maybe you can start a journal. It may not seem therapeutic at first but later it can help you sort out your feelings. I think what I am saying is feel what you feel and don't try to suppress it. It's ok to feel pain and you shouldn't deny yourself.

Sorry about your situation billyjean. Nice to see you back. There was a distinct lack of female michael jackson impersonators around here.

I'm not the one to answer these questions. I embrace bitterness. I am bad santa.

I'd recommend going out with your friends, but you've probably lost touch with due to spending time with your SO. Oh wait, that was me.

How about making friends with the bottle, so you can have some soul-searching time on how you messed things up. Oh, wait, me again.

How about overcompensating for your percieved shortcomings? Taking up hobbies and affectations that would have made you more attractive to the other in the first place? Nope, I beat you there.

Time doesn't heal all wounds. It changes you, and one day you die. All these things I've done are a waste of it. I too, am 29 and surrounded by college kids. 30's closing in, and I'm an odds-on favorite for long-term bachelorhood. Not that I'd take it, but the best I can offer is a 400 year-old quote by George Herbert:

"Living well is the best revenge"

Hi Billy Jean, I wondered where you went.

Ahhh, so much advice, so little time. The only thing I want to say is that the clouds eventually do go away. Dont let anyone tell you you should smile and get over it. You cant really. Let it run its course, its a bit like a cold, it has to get out of the system for good.

Physical activity helps even if you have to force yourself. For a few hours or so you are NOT thinking, or are, but youre getting in better shape!

Ive found that things dont always turn out the way they seem to be going and I wasted a lot of personal time freaking out and being sad. The biggest thing is to take care of yourself and stay with your daily routine as hard as it is. I hug my dog a lot but if you dont have one or a cat or turtle (turtles are solitary individuals and live a really long time, they understand your pain) you can hug a friend.

All jokes aside, the strife goes away in time, it really does.

BTW, DO NOT listen to love songs or the radio, they always seem to play everything that pertains to you! Change your station to the hardest thing you can tolerate.

They say the best way to get over a lover is to get under another. That doesnt work for me but might be good advice.

Welcome back BillyJean.

You’ll have more time on your hands and how you spend it is the key. There’s some good advice here: friends, family, church, stay busy and focused.

There will be times when you may not think this, but that feeling will pass. It’s a cliché but it’s true, time does heal. And from what I know of you it will make you stronger.

How do you do deal with bitterness and heartache? How long is long enough to be depressed and feel self loathing over a lost love before you become pathetic?

Hi, Billy Jean. I joined AD after your hiatus, so I don’t know you, but I sure know a lot about heartbreak and depression. My heart goes out to you in this difficult time. Unfortunately, I agree with Nighttimer.

My broken heart ended up causing me to go on medication for depression. I believe that a broken heart may heal, but it builds up scar tissue. Time can make the pain fade, but if a person was truly in love, that love never really goes away. It’s stored forever in a corner of your heart. All I can offer is to remember the good times and try to forget the bad. Music has always soothed me in troubled times. Staying busy is always a good idea. Pamper yourself; treat yourself to a ME Day. Do something totally selfish, whether it be a spa day, a lounge around and watch classic movie day, a shopping spree, a hike in the woods or a lazy day at the beach. Remember that you are still a wonderful person, loving and lovable.

It has been 5 years for me and I still mourn the loss, so I guess I'm pathetic! The pain isn’t as fresh or as frequent, but every now and then, I’ll see, hear or experience something and remember how it once was and feel that ache.

Cherish your friends and don’t isolate yourself. I’d give you a hug if I could.

Good to see you back here, kiddo. You have been missed.

You know how much it troubles me that you're going through a difficult time, but advice in terms of dealing with bitterness and heartache? There's a different answer for every person here. Trust that you are strong enough to get through it (because you are) - and good enough to deserve to get through it (because you are).

I can't say how long bouts of depression will be with you - they'll come and go - and get easier with time. But I can tell you when you should get over self-loathing. Now. This was not your fault. You are as sweet, decent and valuable now as you have ever been. And as lovable. Be angry and bitter, sure; feel regret by all means - but self-hatred? You know better.

And, while it's never worked for an old reprobate like me, I've seen faith work wonders. I know that your faith has given you strength, courage, and guidance in the past. Perhaps it will help you now, as well.

If nothing else, know that you have friends here - as I'm sure you do real-time. Depend on them when you need to - that's one of the things they're for. You know how to get in touch.

BJ

welcome back. There is a lot of good advice here. Too many of us know your story well. My circle of family and friends all tend to have a complete washout between 31-34 years old and find themselves with the proverbial do-over alluded to in City Slickers.

To mix in cliches with my advice of what worked for me in my situations, time heals all wounds (or at least dulls them). In that vein, make time fly. The best way I found to do that was to immerse myself in a torrent of activity. Without too much free time, the dwelling time was down. Getting more active helped and time went by more quickly. I wish I could say that I turned that torrent of activity into something productive that has made me a millionaire, but I can't say that without lying.

In our very similar situation I would like to add to the advice oft mentioned above. Instead of seeing yourself as less worthy because of what has happened to you, turn around any traces of self-loathing by taking an inventory of your conduct.

Did you open your heart to love as best as you could? check
Did you behave honorably, lovingly, and faithfully in your relationship, thereby giving yourself a solid accounting before love? check, check, check
Did you prove that you are the type of person who can be the other half of one of life's greatest relationships? check

Think back on what you accomplished. Let it go as much as you can, and get the nerve to move forward into the nothingness of the future and find and/or make something good out of the unexpected pleasures life still has before you.

I was washed out by a divorce six years ago and now I am the proud father of two and husband of a loving wife. I remember to enjoy it, and I remember one day it could all change in an instant.

Sorry for your horrible times. I hope you can keep a smile on your face and move bravely forward. You will be rewarded greatly, even if the smile is just a brave face at first.

I am so glad to see you back!

Anger and grief are hard to deal with, and there are a lot of good suggestions on this thread.

This might sound too contrived to be effective, but it's a strategy an excellent therapist gave me a long time ago. You know you are going to encounter anger and grief, and the more you try to suppress them the more likely they are to come out when you least want them to, so you determine to experience them for a set period of time (20 minutes? 1 hour?) each day. It's like letting off steam. During that time you rage, pound things, listen to angry music, write a scathing letter (which you do NOT send), express yourself in violent artwork, take up shooting arrows at a target, whatever. Then you go about your business.

Eventually, the need to do this will subside. Your emotions will be less volatile, and you will be more capable of going about your life.

This helped me at a crucial time in my life. I hope it is a good suggestion for you. Know that you are in our thoughts and our prayers.

As Ol' Blue Eyes would say, "...you're riding high in April, shot down in May...that's life..."

I havent been on the wrong end of a divorce, thank God, but I have had a few instances where I felt that I was the butt of a cosmic joke when it came to a few girls.

Paladin Elspeth gave great advice, but I'd like to focus on one of those, the art of putting pen to paper (and telling you know who to go you know where).

I have felt that it's a great time to write when you're filled with raw emotion. Almost all of it leaves when you're done. The anger. The sadness. You look at what you have written and you are satisfied with the result. Next thing you know, its all a bad memory.

When I was at Ft. Huachuca, the atmosphere at my school was very similar to college, which means... girls... and the crap that comes with chasing a few of 'em.

Anyhow, I expressed my interest in this one girl (hell, I was nuts about her), and she responded in kind. We'd flirt and all that, but at the same time she was leading me on, she was leading another. Fine. Nothin like a lil competition, right? Well, she basically told me one thing and him another and I told her what I thought. She made her choice one day and told me that she just wants to try somethin out with this other dope. That she still was into me. That was one of the last conversations I had with her. Over the following months she wouldn't say a word to me. The day she left, not even a half-rump goodbye. So... I took to paper and pen that night.

Next thing you know... she's an afterthought from a great place I had been to.

So, write on. Write from the gut and get it out.

And trust Elspeth, she's right. Nothing like listening to Metallica's Ride The Lightning and Master of Puppets albums to get the rage out... works for me!

Hey GIRL! I missed you soooo much.

One major point of advice: Remember that even though you feel like a fool for loving - it is NEVER foolish to love. Never. Love might be a mistake, but it's worth making. (Cliche, but so very true).

I find the best way to get over heartbreak is to stay very busy. Like Ms P said, setting little goals and accomplishing them. Working out, learning something new, volunteering my time to some worthy cause where I could potentially meet the next heartbreaker. I think having friends and family to lean on is CRUCIAL - especially on Friday and Saturday nights when your self-esteem is not strong enough to drag you back out onto the field solo. Movie night! Or AD Chat. Don't get down on yourself if you don't have the energy or courage or drive to get right back up and out. It will come in time.

Things are going to get hectic with me starting mid-August - I'm starting law school. I'll try to check in as much as I can, but you know how to reach me. Don't feel miffed if I don't reply right away. Keep your head up and get busy livin.