Full Version: When is it O.K. to Cheat
I was on my 1 and 1/2 hour drive to work one morning when a topic came on the radio that was oh so dear to my heart. The radio show was called Drex in the Morning. On this show the topic was brought up by a female email writer that said the following(Paraphrased):
"My priest told me that it is both parties job in a marriage to tend to the needs of the other. And that a woman that doesn't tend to to her husband's sexual needs is inviting the man to go commit adultery"
Like I said I'm paraphrasing, but you get the just of it. I'm not for a second going to make this a male/female argument, though it is bound to become that by the very nature of this discussion. Instead of calling out women, I will say spouse or significant other to refer to the other party. I have known few married woman that said she didn't get enough from her husband or boyfriend, I have known many upon many men that have been victim to what I call the "Faucet effect" I gave it this name because before one gets marries it seems the juices and sex is just flowing, but months, sometimes weeks after a man gets married the sex slowly turns to a trickle. I would call it the "drips" but that name has already been taken
Anyways on to the questions of debate. Answer one, all, or just go off on a tangent. Let's be constructive, but let's have fun with this bitter/sweet topic.
1) If one spouse loses sexual interest, should they still "give it up".
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
4)What are some suggestions you may have to some one caught in this situation.
"My priest told me that it is both parties job in a marriage to tend to the needs of the other. And that a woman that doesn't tend to to her husband's sexual needs is inviting the man to go commit adultery"
Like I said I'm paraphrasing, but you get the just of it. I'm not for a second going to make this a male/female argument, though it is bound to become that by the very nature of this discussion. Instead of calling out women, I will say spouse or significant other to refer to the other party. I have known few married woman that said she didn't get enough from her husband or boyfriend, I have known many upon many men that have been victim to what I call the "Faucet effect" I gave it this name because before one gets marries it seems the juices and sex is just flowing, but months, sometimes weeks after a man gets married the sex slowly turns to a trickle. I would call it the "drips" but that name has already been taken
Anyways on to the questions of debate. Answer one, all, or just go off on a tangent. Let's be constructive, but let's have fun with this bitter/sweet topic.
1) If one spouse loses sexual interest, should they still "give it up".
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
4)What are some suggestions you may have to some one caught in this situation.
1) If one spouse loses sexual interest, should they still "give it up".
I think in a marriage this is an aspect of the relationship that must be worked on by both parties, and if sexual desire for one's partner is truly lost (or the ability to act on the desire) then it puts a terrific strain on the relationship. This issue goes both ways, I know of two marriages that the argument for cheating is being made (and acted upon) and both of the cheaters are women.
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
No. Now if the spouse is too ill to perform and will remain that way, maybe some deceit is helpful, but mostly it is just rationalization, when the adultery starts without the consent of one's partner real damage is done.
3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
That may be the argument for the majority, but I expect that the reality would be that this is not usually sufficiently the cause. When one's spouse no longer is in the mood, one should do some relationship examination and find out what one's role has been in creating that lack of mood. "Come on honey, it is your marital obligation" is not my recommended method for rediscovering the mood.
4)What are some suggestions you may have to some one caught in this situation.
See above. Put some work back into the relationship. Romance your spouse. Stick with it and don't expect immediate returns and charge off in a huff if one bunch of flowers doesn't immediately work.
Do some solo work to alleviate the sexual tension in the meantime.
If it remains too much of a problem to deal with, talk to your spouse and explain that you find the relationship to be faltering or failing and you need things to change.
Then if you end the marriage, move on to other relationships.
I think in a marriage this is an aspect of the relationship that must be worked on by both parties, and if sexual desire for one's partner is truly lost (or the ability to act on the desire) then it puts a terrific strain on the relationship. This issue goes both ways, I know of two marriages that the argument for cheating is being made (and acted upon) and both of the cheaters are women.
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
No. Now if the spouse is too ill to perform and will remain that way, maybe some deceit is helpful, but mostly it is just rationalization, when the adultery starts without the consent of one's partner real damage is done.
3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
That may be the argument for the majority, but I expect that the reality would be that this is not usually sufficiently the cause. When one's spouse no longer is in the mood, one should do some relationship examination and find out what one's role has been in creating that lack of mood. "Come on honey, it is your marital obligation" is not my recommended method for rediscovering the mood.
4)What are some suggestions you may have to some one caught in this situation.
See above. Put some work back into the relationship. Romance your spouse. Stick with it and don't expect immediate returns and charge off in a huff if one bunch of flowers doesn't immediately work.
Do some solo work to alleviate the sexual tension in the meantime.
If it remains too much of a problem to deal with, talk to your spouse and explain that you find the relationship to be faltering or failing and you need things to change.Then if you end the marriage, move on to other relationships.
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Anyways on to the questions of debate. Answer one, all, or just go off on a tangent. Let's be constructive, but let's have fun with this bitter/sweet topic.
Please DO NOT go off on a tangent. There is a reason that we require questions for debate, and off-topic comments will be removed.
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2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
No. If a partner is led to cheat, there are more than likely other problems in the relationship that just sexual neglect.
1) If one spouse loses sexual interest, should they still "give it up".
I don't think anyone should be "forced" to do something they don't want to do. The more productive thing to do here would be to figure out what the root cause of the loss of interest was and work on that.
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
It is never ok to cheat. If you go out and cheat you are basically admitting defeat and would be better served by just going ahead with a divorce. I suppose there is an exception for "open relationships", but I personally don't buy into that concept, I'm too jealous.
3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
I think the answer here depends on whether you are a man or a woman. Generalizing here, I would say that for men infidelity is largely caused due to loss of sexual interest in their spouse. Again generalizing, I would say that for women it is more of a loss of communication or emotional interest.
Everyone's situation is different so you can only take generalizations like that with a grain of salt.
4)What are some suggestions you may have to some one caught in this situation.
Well, first of all don't give up and cheat or ask for a divorce. Marriage takes a lot of work and in today's society there are so many things that compete for our attention over our spouse.
Communication is the key here, figure out what the problem is between the two of you. Unless you can talk honestly and openly about your problems you stand no chance of solving them. This communication can lead to any number of solutions, it could be that you don't spend enough time with your spouse because you work too much, surf the internet too much, watch too much TV, whatever. It could be that sexual intercourse has become painful for your partner. Your partner could be stressed out, depressed, going through some kind of problems occupying their thoughts that you don't know about. The point is, you really won't know and you you won't have a clue on how to fix it unless you communicate.
I don't think anyone should be "forced" to do something they don't want to do. The more productive thing to do here would be to figure out what the root cause of the loss of interest was and work on that.
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
It is never ok to cheat. If you go out and cheat you are basically admitting defeat and would be better served by just going ahead with a divorce. I suppose there is an exception for "open relationships", but I personally don't buy into that concept, I'm too jealous.
3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
I think the answer here depends on whether you are a man or a woman. Generalizing here, I would say that for men infidelity is largely caused due to loss of sexual interest in their spouse. Again generalizing, I would say that for women it is more of a loss of communication or emotional interest.
Everyone's situation is different so you can only take generalizations like that with a grain of salt.
4)What are some suggestions you may have to some one caught in this situation.
Well, first of all don't give up and cheat or ask for a divorce. Marriage takes a lot of work and in today's society there are so many things that compete for our attention over our spouse.
Communication is the key here, figure out what the problem is between the two of you. Unless you can talk honestly and openly about your problems you stand no chance of solving them. This communication can lead to any number of solutions, it could be that you don't spend enough time with your spouse because you work too much, surf the internet too much, watch too much TV, whatever. It could be that sexual intercourse has become painful for your partner. Your partner could be stressed out, depressed, going through some kind of problems occupying their thoughts that you don't know about. The point is, you really won't know and you you won't have a clue on how to fix it unless you communicate.
QUOTE(droop224 @ Aug 8 2004, 01:38 AM)
I was on my 1 and 1/2 hour drive to work one morning when a topic came on the radio that was oh so dear to my heart. The radio show was called Drex in the Morning. On this show the topic was brought up by a female email writer that said the following(Paraphrased):
"My priest told me that it is both parties job in a marriage to tend to the needs of the other. And that a woman that doesn't tend to to her husband's sexual needs is inviting the man to go commit adultery"
Like I said I'm paraphrasing, but you get the just of it. I'm not for a second going to make this a male/female argument, though it is bound to become that by the very nature of this discussion. Instead of calling out women, I will say spouse or significant other to refer to the other party. I have known few married woman that said she didn't get enough from her husband or boyfriend, I have known many upon many men that have been victim to what I call the "Faucet effect" I gave it this name because before one gets marries it seems the juices and sex is just flowing, but months, sometimes weeks after a man gets married the sex slowly turns to a trickle. I would call it the "drips" but that name has already been taken
Anyways on to the questions of debate. Answer one, all, or just go off on a tangent. Let's be constructive, but let's have fun with this bitter/sweet topic.
1) If one spouse loses sexual interest, should they still "give it up".
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
4)What are some suggestions you may have to some one caught in this situation.
"My priest told me that it is both parties job in a marriage to tend to the needs of the other. And that a woman that doesn't tend to to her husband's sexual needs is inviting the man to go commit adultery"
Like I said I'm paraphrasing, but you get the just of it. I'm not for a second going to make this a male/female argument, though it is bound to become that by the very nature of this discussion. Instead of calling out women, I will say spouse or significant other to refer to the other party. I have known few married woman that said she didn't get enough from her husband or boyfriend, I have known many upon many men that have been victim to what I call the "Faucet effect" I gave it this name because before one gets marries it seems the juices and sex is just flowing, but months, sometimes weeks after a man gets married the sex slowly turns to a trickle. I would call it the "drips" but that name has already been taken
Anyways on to the questions of debate. Answer one, all, or just go off on a tangent. Let's be constructive, but let's have fun with this bitter/sweet topic.
1) If one spouse loses sexual interest, should they still "give it up".
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
4)What are some suggestions you may have to some one caught in this situation.
QUOTE
"My priest told me that it is both parties job in a marriage to tend to the needs of the other. And that a woman that doesn't tend to to her husband's sexual needs is inviting the man to go commit adultery"
I understand that it is normal for married people to have sex but that does not mean she has to have sex whenever he wants. Women are not sex slaves
1) If one spouse loses sexual interest, should they still "give it up". I think it depends on the situation. I think that most of the time when people lose interest in a relationship there is an issue that for some reason is not being addressed. They should try to find out what they problem is, but if they both decide that there is not solution then maybe they shoudl go their seperate ways
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
It is NEVER ok to cheat. Read answer number 1
3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
Sometimes people feel neglect while the other thinks they are doing enough and the neglected person may feel like they cant talk to their partner so they cheat. I also beleive there are some people who can't be faithful, for whatever reason.
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1) If one spouse loses sexual interest, should they still "give it up".
Mutual consideration is key here. Marriage has a lot to do with self sacrifice, and this shouldn't just be on the woman's part. Plus, there are many medical reasons for a person losing his/her libido. Going to a doctor and having it investigated is a good idea. Just "giving it up" doesn't address the problem.QUOTE
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
Let's see: for better, for worse, in sickness, in health, forsaking all others for as long as you both shall live. That's the traditional promise, isn't it? Is it right to break your word?QUOTE
3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
I don't know any statistics. Surely another poster will be able to come up with some, but they will need to be taken with a grain of salt (which was mentioned earlier), as those who take surveys involving sex might not tell the truth--it is personal.Emotional neglect may cause someone to stray, but I think infidelity has more to do with attraction to a person and the lure of something different. It really depends on each situation.
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4)What are some suggestions you may have to some one caught in this situation.
Don't automatically assume it is your fault. Be up-front with your mate about having sexual needs that aren't being met, but be nice about it. See a psychotherapist together if medical causes have been ruled out for a spouse's loss of interest. Work on cultivating a romantic relationship outside of the bedroom, e.g., make breakfast special by paying attention to the person sitting across from you, plan to spend leisure time together. Sexual tension is good, just plain tension between each other is not. Don't do something you'll regret later.
1) If one spouse loses sexual interest, should they still "give it up".
Yes and No (that's helpful, uh?). I think recognizing that your partner has needs and performing certain acts to accomodate them is helpful to maintaining a long term relationship (hey, who really likes to take out the garbage?). Constantly having to do so is probably not humanly possibly while still maintaining a healthy relationship--I have never met or heard of anyone with that level of selflessness.
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
Well, this is where it gets hard for me. It depends on what the definition of 'O.K.' is. Morally OK? No, I don't think it is. However, I can also see where it might be done in order to save the marriage, therefore making it ethically OK (hmmm, and ends vs. the means issue here?). I guess, given that, that for me it boils down to one's motivation.
3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
Yes, almost certainly. But then it is probably also true that their neglect in some matter caused the other's neglect.
4)What are some suggestions you may have to some one caught in this situation.
Don't do it comes to mind, but I think that is avoiding the question. I think, if you're caught, all you can do is try to explain and understand the other's feelings. You need to take a very hard look at where you are and what path you want to take to go forward. Honesty, with yourself and your spouse, would be essential here. Excuses will be seen as such, and not of much help.
Yes and No (that's helpful, uh?). I think recognizing that your partner has needs and performing certain acts to accomodate them is helpful to maintaining a long term relationship (hey, who really likes to take out the garbage?). Constantly having to do so is probably not humanly possibly while still maintaining a healthy relationship--I have never met or heard of anyone with that level of selflessness.
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
Well, this is where it gets hard for me. It depends on what the definition of 'O.K.' is. Morally OK? No, I don't think it is. However, I can also see where it might be done in order to save the marriage, therefore making it ethically OK (hmmm, and ends vs. the means issue here?). I guess, given that, that for me it boils down to one's motivation.
3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
Yes, almost certainly. But then it is probably also true that their neglect in some matter caused the other's neglect.
4)What are some suggestions you may have to some one caught in this situation.
Don't do it comes to mind, but I think that is avoiding the question. I think, if you're caught, all you can do is try to explain and understand the other's feelings. You need to take a very hard look at where you are and what path you want to take to go forward. Honesty, with yourself and your spouse, would be essential here. Excuses will be seen as such, and not of much help.
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I have known few married woman that said she didn't get enough from her husband or boyfriend, I have known many upon many men that have been victim to what I call the "Faucet effect" I gave it this name because before one gets marries it seems the juices and sex is just flowing, but months, sometimes weeks after a man gets married the sex slowly turns to a trickle. I would call it the "drips" but that name has already been taken
I have to take issue with this one. I have been married since 1998. And though there has been a marginal decline in our sexual exploits it is due more to fatigue from my physically intensive work, and her emotionally intensive care of our child then any lack of interest. I am more then satisfied, though my wife would seem to desire a slight increase in frequency.
What I have seen with most of the married men I know is a lack of romance. I am not saying that all men who suffer a diminished sex life are not romantic, but all the men I know who complain about this seem to have completely given up on the idea.
Do you love your spouse? If no, theres your problem they can sense it. If yes, when was the last time you told them? When was the last time you told them why? When as the last time you showed them how much you care by doing things for them, be it a chore they usually do, but are too tired to do this time, or a foot massage, etc?
1) If one spouse loses sexual interest, should they still "give it up".
No, as has been said, to have a good marriage you need to communicate. Try discussing it, and trying to find the root of the problem.
As a side note, what birth control are you using? When my wife was using the injected version (can't think of the name) she lost all interest in sex (probably was not designed that way but it certainly improved it's birth control performance
).2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
Deceit, regardless of the "reason", should NEVER be an option in a marriage. If you feel the need to be deceitful about anything, then the least of your marital problems is the lack of sex.
3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
I would imagine many would feel this way, and for a very few it might be the case. However, I would bet most in this situation have invested very little, if any time in trying to talk about it, determine and understand the reasons for it, and try to resolve them.
4)What are some suggestions you may have to some one caught in this situation.
Talk to your spouse. You can not try to resolve this if you do not discuss it. It is unlikely to go away on it's own. And what if the cause is that your spouse feels like you are disinterested in them? Regardless of the accuracy of that feeling, your failure to ask about this lack of intimacy would quite possibly be seen as a confirmation of that belief.
Just one more side note. For those, that, for whatever reason find it difficult to initiate sex with their spouse and prefer to hint at it and wait for their partner to act. This is also a problem. No one wants to be the "aggressor" all of the time. I realise there is a risk of rejection and that this would be painful, but this is your marriage, take the chance don't wait for them, make your own move. You might be surprised at just how well received it is.
(I am NOT suggesting rape here, I hope that goes wthout saying).
1) If one spouse loses sexual interest, should they still "give it up".
The answer would depend on whether it is a temporary or permanent loss of interest. If it’s simply a “I’m usually attracted to you but not in the mood right now”, than YES, they should indulge their partner (at least with relative frequency). I’ve been on both the receiving and giving end of that one. My husband is completely turned off by the pregnant body. I certainly didn’t go without all of those months.
After I had my children, I was the disinterested and tired one. I reciprocated. That’s what respectful adults who love one another do. It’s a symbiotic relationship. Usually, under normal circumstances, they should meet somewhere near the middle.
Obviously, if the other person is completely disinterested all of the time, endlessly, the (initially) interested partner will lose interest as well, and perhaps take notice of potential lovers outside of the marriage. No one likes to feel that sharing themselves sexually is a burden. If his/her spouse completely lacks enthusiasm and lays there like a slug it’s insulting. I consider love to be an active verb, unlike the Hollywood stereotype. I’d suggest that the spouse who feels unappreciated start loving his/her spouse more. Treat them kindly, and make them feel good about themselves. Unless there is something deeply wrong (like a hormonal imbalance due to birth control as Overlandsailor mentioned, or psychological problem), they are almost inevitably likely to respond in kind.
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat? 3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases?
I'll group those questions together. No, it isn't okay to lie to your spouse, nor would it solve the problem. The person who cheats isn’t looking for sex. He/she is looking for that long-lost feeling that his/her spouse once gave them before the daily grind, children, bills, and just knowing each other very well made them feel less wonderful about themselves. Mary, the office secretary, thinks Fred is a genius. She worships him, and makes him feel like a king...unlike his wife, mother to his two children, who knows the real Fred. Likewise, Marsha has been having a flirtation at the gym with Robert. He is obviously attracted to her, and listens to her, unlike her husband who hasn’t looked at her with appreciation, or engaged in any true discussion, in years. People “fall in love” (initially), not because of the way they feel about their sigoth, but the way their sigoth makes them feel about themselves. When they stray sexually, they are looking for that feeling again. It is inevitable that Mary will get to know Fred and eventually view him as less than heroic. The same for Robert and Marsha. The problem is within themselves, not the relationships or spouses they cheat on...and it will likely follow them through all future relationships unless they change their perspective.
The answer would depend on whether it is a temporary or permanent loss of interest. If it’s simply a “I’m usually attracted to you but not in the mood right now”, than YES, they should indulge their partner (at least with relative frequency). I’ve been on both the receiving and giving end of that one. My husband is completely turned off by the pregnant body. I certainly didn’t go without all of those months.
After I had my children, I was the disinterested and tired one. I reciprocated. That’s what respectful adults who love one another do. It’s a symbiotic relationship. Usually, under normal circumstances, they should meet somewhere near the middle. Obviously, if the other person is completely disinterested all of the time, endlessly, the (initially) interested partner will lose interest as well, and perhaps take notice of potential lovers outside of the marriage. No one likes to feel that sharing themselves sexually is a burden. If his/her spouse completely lacks enthusiasm and lays there like a slug it’s insulting. I consider love to be an active verb, unlike the Hollywood stereotype. I’d suggest that the spouse who feels unappreciated start loving his/her spouse more. Treat them kindly, and make them feel good about themselves. Unless there is something deeply wrong (like a hormonal imbalance due to birth control as Overlandsailor mentioned, or psychological problem), they are almost inevitably likely to respond in kind.
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat? 3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases?
I'll group those questions together. No, it isn't okay to lie to your spouse, nor would it solve the problem. The person who cheats isn’t looking for sex. He/she is looking for that long-lost feeling that his/her spouse once gave them before the daily grind, children, bills, and just knowing each other very well made them feel less wonderful about themselves. Mary, the office secretary, thinks Fred is a genius. She worships him, and makes him feel like a king...unlike his wife, mother to his two children, who knows the real Fred. Likewise, Marsha has been having a flirtation at the gym with Robert. He is obviously attracted to her, and listens to her, unlike her husband who hasn’t looked at her with appreciation, or engaged in any true discussion, in years. People “fall in love” (initially), not because of the way they feel about their sigoth, but the way their sigoth makes them feel about themselves. When they stray sexually, they are looking for that feeling again. It is inevitable that Mary will get to know Fred and eventually view him as less than heroic. The same for Robert and Marsha. The problem is within themselves, not the relationships or spouses they cheat on...and it will likely follow them through all future relationships unless they change their perspective.
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1) If one spouse loses sexual interest, should they still "give it up".
To a certain extent, yeah. I've experienced, and read articles from marriage councilors as well, that many times if you just "go with it" even when not in the mood, you can end up int he mood pretty fast.
If that still doesn't work, I would agree that there may be underlying issues or a more serious problem that needs to get worked through.
No one should be forced into intimacy, however.
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2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
Not in a deceitful way -- I believe that relationships need to be honest if nothing else.
I also believe that it is possible to make an arrangement with a spouse for an "open relationship", but there needs to be honesty and good communication for something like this to work.
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3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
I think it is rarely the case. I think it's more often being tempted by something "new and exciting"
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4)What are some suggestions you may have to some one caught in this situation.
Communication or counselling might be a first good step.
Also might be a good idea to look outside the box for a solution, such as the "open relationship" idea I alluded to above, or other types of release.
When all else fails, it's not the end of the world if you don't get laid every other day. There's a whole huge range of possible ways to spend your time and energy that don't involve sex.
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat?
To better explain my ambivalent answer: if you doing it and you think you are 'cheating', you shouldn't be doing it. Deceit is seldom the basis of a successful relationship. If deceit isn't really involved (either if your spouse is fairly aware of the activities or if you have other more selfless motivations besides simple cheating, then its your marriage, your call.
I distinctly remember a conversation at a summer job I had in my freshman year. One of the workers there was sharing that his wife had 'cheated' on him. The other intern there immediately stepped up and said "I'd never forgive the <female dog>". To which the worker replied "It's not nearly that easy if you're actually in the situation." That conversation really struck me. Marriage is a very complex, interpersonal journey. Black and white constructs just don't apply very well (and I'm a big believer in making everything into a simple black and white issue!). The concept of cheating, I think, often falls deep into the grey areas--whose fault is it? why did they do it? what should be done about it? can seldom be answered simplistically. Even simpler issues such as 'Should you tell your spouse"--aren't that easily answered--they might very well prefer not to know. There's a separate topic there (covered elsewhere on this board?)--If you know someone is cheating, should you tell their spouse? That's a hard one for me as well.
To better explain my ambivalent answer: if you doing it and you think you are 'cheating', you shouldn't be doing it. Deceit is seldom the basis of a successful relationship. If deceit isn't really involved (either if your spouse is fairly aware of the activities or if you have other more selfless motivations besides simple cheating, then its your marriage, your call.
I distinctly remember a conversation at a summer job I had in my freshman year. One of the workers there was sharing that his wife had 'cheated' on him. The other intern there immediately stepped up and said "I'd never forgive the <female dog>". To which the worker replied "It's not nearly that easy if you're actually in the situation." That conversation really struck me. Marriage is a very complex, interpersonal journey. Black and white constructs just don't apply very well (and I'm a big believer in making everything into a simple black and white issue!). The concept of cheating, I think, often falls deep into the grey areas--whose fault is it? why did they do it? what should be done about it? can seldom be answered simplistically. Even simpler issues such as 'Should you tell your spouse"--aren't that easily answered--they might very well prefer not to know. There's a separate topic there (covered elsewhere on this board?)--If you know someone is cheating, should you tell their spouse? That's a hard one for me as well.
1) If one spouse loses sexual interest, should they still "give it up".
Nobody should be forced. If there is a problem, there are solutions such as talking with your spouse, counseling, and even medicine.
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
No. I reiterate what I said above. Solve the problem, don't run away from it.
3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
No. Infidelity is a choice made by the one being unfaithful.
4)What are some suggestions you may have to some one caught in this situation.
First, realize that problems such as these can be overcome. Second, talk with your spouse, find out where the problem is and what can be done to fix it. If the relationship means anything to either party, efforts will be made to correct the problem. For any relationship to last you must be able to work through the problems life throws you.
Nobody should be forced. If there is a problem, there are solutions such as talking with your spouse, counseling, and even medicine.
2) Is it O.K for a spouse who is being sexually neglected, to step out on the relationship in a deceitful way, A.K.A...cheat.
No. I reiterate what I said above. Solve the problem, don't run away from it.
3) Is it the neglect of the significant other that cause infidelity in many cases.
No. Infidelity is a choice made by the one being unfaithful.
4)What are some suggestions you may have to some one caught in this situation.
First, realize that problems such as these can be overcome. Second, talk with your spouse, find out where the problem is and what can be done to fix it. If the relationship means anything to either party, efforts will be made to correct the problem. For any relationship to last you must be able to work through the problems life throws you.
I have done marriage counselling for years- and the problem really usually fall into three areas of descending importance for splitting up:
1) Money
2) Sex
3) the remote control ( conflicting interests, boiled down to the fact that they fight over who gets the remote control when they are watching TV)
Hobbes is right- there are such grey areas here- it takes one spouse to believe it is cheating for it to BE cheating. If there is consensual "stepping out" in a relationship, it is not cheating.
For some, a kiss is cheating, for others, anything short of direct intercourse is cheating (the Clinton definition now)- so, first you have to define what cheating is to the spouse.
It is never okay to KNOWINGLY cheat- to know that the spouse would consider this cheating is a basic betrayal. If it needs to come to that, they you should split up. Easier said than done of course, since mariage especially is so hard to untangle, especially with kids involved.
Now, there is the other kind of cheating, the "you can do it as long as you are discreet and don't get caught"- this is a VERY VERY common practise, by women just as much as men in my experiance, BTW.
Saving the pride and face of the spouse is more important than the act, don't get caught, don't fall in love, don't jeprodize all the non-sexual aspects of the marriage. Usually this couple does love each other very much, but, for one reason or another, are not sexually compatible anymore. This is usually medical in nature, with either the man or woman having some sexual dysfunction that is irrepairable, or the repair is worse than problem.
Usually, in this situation, in counselling, the complaint is not the sexual act, but rather, the betrayal of status and face, and it is the easiest marriage to repair!
1) Money
2) Sex
3) the remote control ( conflicting interests, boiled down to the fact that they fight over who gets the remote control when they are watching TV)
Hobbes is right- there are such grey areas here- it takes one spouse to believe it is cheating for it to BE cheating. If there is consensual "stepping out" in a relationship, it is not cheating.
For some, a kiss is cheating, for others, anything short of direct intercourse is cheating (the Clinton definition now)- so, first you have to define what cheating is to the spouse.
It is never okay to KNOWINGLY cheat- to know that the spouse would consider this cheating is a basic betrayal. If it needs to come to that, they you should split up. Easier said than done of course, since mariage especially is so hard to untangle, especially with kids involved.
Now, there is the other kind of cheating, the "you can do it as long as you are discreet and don't get caught"- this is a VERY VERY common practise, by women just as much as men in my experiance, BTW.
Saving the pride and face of the spouse is more important than the act, don't get caught, don't fall in love, don't jeprodize all the non-sexual aspects of the marriage. Usually this couple does love each other very much, but, for one reason or another, are not sexually compatible anymore. This is usually medical in nature, with either the man or woman having some sexual dysfunction that is irrepairable, or the repair is worse than problem.
Usually, in this situation, in counselling, the complaint is not the sexual act, but rather, the betrayal of status and face, and it is the easiest marriage to repair!
CruisingRam is absolutely correct.
I spent a number of years as a facilitator for a support group of Divorced, Widowed and Separated people and it was amazing how many Divorces were not caused by the actual "affair" but the embarrassment caused, and the deflation of the ego of the "non cheating" spouse.
I don't know if CR will back me up on this or not, but I would love his comment on something that I felt during this time, and that is:
An awful lot of theses relationships got into trouble initially when one of the partners started acting as though they "owned" the other. The roles in the relationship became SO defined that, when one of the "roles" were not completed to satisfaction, all EDITED TO REMOVE ATTEMPT AT BYPASSING PROFANITY FILTER would break loose and intense arguments would insue.
I just felt like asking these people "how much did you pay for your slave"?.
I also felt like so many of these couples forgot why they got married in the first place, that being they enjoyed being with the other person, not because one was a good provider and the other a wonderful cook.
I spent a number of years as a facilitator for a support group of Divorced, Widowed and Separated people and it was amazing how many Divorces were not caused by the actual "affair" but the embarrassment caused, and the deflation of the ego of the "non cheating" spouse.
I don't know if CR will back me up on this or not, but I would love his comment on something that I felt during this time, and that is:
An awful lot of theses relationships got into trouble initially when one of the partners started acting as though they "owned" the other. The roles in the relationship became SO defined that, when one of the "roles" were not completed to satisfaction, all EDITED TO REMOVE ATTEMPT AT BYPASSING PROFANITY FILTER would break loose and intense arguments would insue.
I just felt like asking these people "how much did you pay for your slave"?.
I also felt like so many of these couples forgot why they got married in the first place, that being they enjoyed being with the other person, not because one was a good provider and the other a wonderful cook.
QUOTE(redliner1989 @ Aug 13 2004, 12:56 PM)
CruisingRam is absolutely correct.
I spent a number of years as a facilitator for a support group of Divorced, Widowed and Separated people and it was amazing how many Divorces were not caused by the actual "affair" but the embarrassment caused, and the deflation of the ego of the "non cheating" spouse.
I don't know if CR will back me up on this or not, but I would love his comment on something that I felt during this time, and that is:
An awful lot of theses relationships got into trouble initially when one of the partners started acting as though they "owned" the other. The roles in the relationship became SO defined that, when one of the "roles" were not completed to satisfaction, all %$#* would break loose and intense arguments would insue.
I just felt like asking these people "how much did you pay for your slave"?.
I also felt like so many of these couples forgot why they got married in the first place, that being they enjoyed being with the other person, not because one was a good provider and the other a wonderful cook.
I spent a number of years as a facilitator for a support group of Divorced, Widowed and Separated people and it was amazing how many Divorces were not caused by the actual "affair" but the embarrassment caused, and the deflation of the ego of the "non cheating" spouse.
I don't know if CR will back me up on this or not, but I would love his comment on something that I felt during this time, and that is:
An awful lot of theses relationships got into trouble initially when one of the partners started acting as though they "owned" the other. The roles in the relationship became SO defined that, when one of the "roles" were not completed to satisfaction, all %$#* would break loose and intense arguments would insue.
I just felt like asking these people "how much did you pay for your slave"?.
I also felt like so many of these couples forgot why they got married in the first place, that being they enjoyed being with the other person, not because one was a good provider and the other a wonderful cook.
My own first marriage ended due to that situation Red- my first wife felt she must always be correct, she had to be in total control of everything, and, at first, I didn't want to argue over "nothing" so I let it slide, but it became more and more controlling, till I told her to take a leap and left her. She has been stalking me now off and on for 6 years.
Sex for her was a reward/punishment situation, where if I did what I was told, then I would get "some" and if not, then no. This lasted a whole six months before I figured it out LOL
I found that the justification for cheating, by both males and females, was due to this issue, where sex wasn't a mutual act of love, but rather a "reward" system, which really meant a control issue.
That is a little different than the sex issue LOL
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