Full Version: The new political joke thread
This is classic...
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA! and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done
next to nothing toward her degree! . She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
QUOTE(Amlord @ Nov 17 2005, 11:34 AM)
This is classic...
<snip>
Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
<snip>
<snip>
Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
<snip>
Am I the only one who detects the rich irony in this? I mean, does this indicate that Audrey becomes the first woman president, running as a Republican?
Okay, I know the rule, but this one is just too funny to wait for another's post:
Post Turtle
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 73-year-old Texas rancher,
whose hand had been caught in a gate while working cattle, a doctor and the
old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House.
The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle.'"
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle
was. The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued, "You
know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know
what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing get down."
***
I edited out some iffy language, but y'all can imagine what a 73-year-old rancher from Texas might say to spice up the punch line.
And here I am thinking that 73 isn't all that old. Sheesh, see what happens when you join AARP? Forty-year-olds seem like teeny boppers.
Post Turtle
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 73-year-old Texas rancher,
whose hand had been caught in a gate while working cattle, a doctor and the
old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House.
The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle.'"
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle
was. The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued, "You
know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know
what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing get down."
***
I edited out some iffy language, but y'all can imagine what a 73-year-old rancher from Texas might say to spice up the punch line.
And here I am thinking that 73 isn't all that old. Sheesh, see what happens when you join AARP? Forty-year-olds seem like teeny boppers.
QUOTE(AuthorMusician @ Nov 22 2005, 10:28 AM)
Okay, I know the rule, but this one is just too funny to wait for another's post.
Point of information: The double-posting rule only applies if you are re-posting within your twelve-hour edit window. You're in the clear.
The U.S. Post Office issues new "Hillary Stamp"
The US Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of Senator
Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation.
In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing, a special commission made the following findings:
*The stamp was in perfect order.
*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
*People were spitting on the wrong side.
The US Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of Senator
Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation.
In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing, a special commission made the following findings:
*The stamp was in perfect order.
*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
*People were spitting on the wrong side.
From The Late Show
BREAKING!! Top Ten New President Bush Strategies For Victory in Iraq...
10. Make an even larger 'Mission Accomplished' sign
9. Encourage Iraqis to settle their feud like Dave and Oprah
8. Put that go-getter Michael Brown in charge
7. Launch slogan, 'It's not Iraq, it's Weraq'
6. Just do whatever he did when he captured Osama
5. A little more vacation time at the ranch to clear his head
4. Pack on a quick 30 pounds and trade places with Jeb
3. Wait, you mean it ain't going well?
2. Boost morale by doing his hilarious 'Locked Door' gag
1. Place Saddam back in power and tell him, 'It's your problem now, dude'
BREAKING!! Top Ten New President Bush Strategies For Victory in Iraq...
10. Make an even larger 'Mission Accomplished' sign
9. Encourage Iraqis to settle their feud like Dave and Oprah
8. Put that go-getter Michael Brown in charge
7. Launch slogan, 'It's not Iraq, it's Weraq'
6. Just do whatever he did when he captured Osama
5. A little more vacation time at the ranch to clear his head
4. Pack on a quick 30 pounds and trade places with Jeb
3. Wait, you mean it ain't going well?
2. Boost morale by doing his hilarious 'Locked Door' gag
1. Place Saddam back in power and tell him, 'It's your problem now, dude'
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing.
He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing.
He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"
THE FOUR GHOSTS OF THE WHITE HOUSE
One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him.
Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.
The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.
Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did " Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.
The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers,
"Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist.
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows.
It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the
country?"
Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him.
Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.
The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.
Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did " Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.
The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers,
"Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist.
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows.
It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the
country?"
Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
Cube Jockey had recommended Crashing the Gate: Netroots, Grassroots and the Rise of People-Powered Politics by Markos Zuniga (of DailyKos) and Jerome Armstrong (of MyDD)
With a description of the chapters:
I went to amazon.com to check it out, and now it seems they are also offering a free packet of kool-aid to go along with the book as well
With a description of the chapters:
QUOTE
CHAPTER 1: AMERICAN REALITY, CIRCA 2006
The Corporate Cons - The TheoCons - The NeoCons - The PaleoCons - The Katrina Tragedy - How Did We Get Here? - Backlash Insurance - No Time To Lose
CHAPTER 2: THIS AIN'T NO PARTY
Divided We Fall -The Death of Environmentalism - The Decline of Labor - A Woman's Right To Lose? - New Campaigns, New Movement
CHAPTER 3: THE GRAVY TRAIN
The Beltway Mafia - The Commission Racket - Old Ads, New Age - The Changing Media Landscape - Information Age Campaigns - The Cost of Failure
CHAPTER 4: LAYING THE GROUNDWORK
The Conspiracy Gap - The Idea Factories - The Noise Machine - No Investment, No Return - Real Income vs. Psychic Income - Seed Money
CHAPTER 5: THE CIVIL WAR
The Dean Machine - The Resistance - The Rise of the Netroots
CHAPTER 6: INSIDE THE GATE
Challenge Every Republican - The State Trenches - Taking Over - People-Powered Politics - Parting Line
The Corporate Cons - The TheoCons - The NeoCons - The PaleoCons - The Katrina Tragedy - How Did We Get Here? - Backlash Insurance - No Time To Lose
CHAPTER 2: THIS AIN'T NO PARTY
Divided We Fall -The Death of Environmentalism - The Decline of Labor - A Woman's Right To Lose? - New Campaigns, New Movement
CHAPTER 3: THE GRAVY TRAIN
The Beltway Mafia - The Commission Racket - Old Ads, New Age - The Changing Media Landscape - Information Age Campaigns - The Cost of Failure
CHAPTER 4: LAYING THE GROUNDWORK
The Conspiracy Gap - The Idea Factories - The Noise Machine - No Investment, No Return - Real Income vs. Psychic Income - Seed Money
CHAPTER 5: THE CIVIL WAR
The Dean Machine - The Resistance - The Rise of the Netroots
CHAPTER 6: INSIDE THE GATE
Challenge Every Republican - The State Trenches - Taking Over - People-Powered Politics - Parting Line
I went to amazon.com to check it out, and now it seems they are also offering a free packet of kool-aid to go along with the book as well
This thread is supposed to be for fun. Let's not abuse the spirit of the thread to make attacks against other members.
I picked this up on ThinkProgress.org. I find quite a few liberals posting on the site on the vapid and shrill side but the site itself offers good updates and has an enviable blog rating.
Video of AirAmerica's Sam Seder taking Culture and Family Institute director, Bob Knight, to task on the "War on Christmas."
Video of AirAmerica's Sam Seder taking Culture and Family Institute director, Bob Knight, to task on the "War on Christmas."
QUOTE(VDemosthenes @ Dec 7 2005, 07:55 PM)
THAT'S HILARIOUS!!!!!!! I always knew it...
Where's Yoda when you need him!
QUOTE(AuthorMusician @ Nov 17 2005, 11:56 AM)
QUOTE(Amlord @ Nov 17 2005, 11:34 AM)
This is classic...
<snip>
Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
<snip>
<snip>
Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
<snip>
Am I the only one who detects the rich irony in this? I mean, does this indicate that Audrey becomes the first woman president, running as a Republican?
Probably, but I bet she won't make up some ridiculous like like "I DIDN'T INHALE" !!!!!!!!!
(where did we hear that again? hmmmm
)
Just a little mockery of our current political situation and the "war on Christmas" that is being waged. This is doubly funny because this was read on the House floor by John Dingell. Enjoy!
QUOTE
'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the House
No bills were passed 'bout which Fox News could grouse;
Tax cuts for the wealthy were passed with great cheer,
So vacations in St. Barts soon would be near;
Katrina kids were nestled all snug in motel beds,
While visions of school and home danced in their heads;
In Iraq our soldiers needed supplies and a plan,
Plus nuclear weapons were being built in Iran;
Gas prices shot up, consumer confidence fell;
Americans feared we were on a fast track to...well...
Wait--- we need a distraction--- something divisive and wily;
A fabrication straight from the mouth of O'Reilly
We can pretend that Christmas is under attack
Hold a vote to save it--- then pat ourselves on the back;
Silent Night, First Noel, Away in the Manger
Wake up Congress, they're in no danger!
This time of year we see Christmas every where we go,
From churches, to homes, to schools, and yes...even Costco;
What we have is an attempt to divide and destroy,
When this is the season to unite us with joy
At Christmas time we're taught to unite,
We don't need a made-up reason to fight
So on O'Reilly, on Hannity, on Coulter, and those right wing blogs;
You should just sit back, relax...have a few egg nogs!
'Tis the holiday season: enjoy it a pinch
With all our real problems, do we honestly need another Grinch?
So to my friends and my colleagues I say with delight,
A merry Christmas to all,
and to Bill O'Reilly...Happy Holidays.
No bills were passed 'bout which Fox News could grouse;
Tax cuts for the wealthy were passed with great cheer,
So vacations in St. Barts soon would be near;
Katrina kids were nestled all snug in motel beds,
While visions of school and home danced in their heads;
In Iraq our soldiers needed supplies and a plan,
Plus nuclear weapons were being built in Iran;
Gas prices shot up, consumer confidence fell;
Americans feared we were on a fast track to...well...
Wait--- we need a distraction--- something divisive and wily;
A fabrication straight from the mouth of O'Reilly
We can pretend that Christmas is under attack
Hold a vote to save it--- then pat ourselves on the back;
Silent Night, First Noel, Away in the Manger
Wake up Congress, they're in no danger!
This time of year we see Christmas every where we go,
From churches, to homes, to schools, and yes...even Costco;
What we have is an attempt to divide and destroy,
When this is the season to unite us with joy
At Christmas time we're taught to unite,
We don't need a made-up reason to fight
So on O'Reilly, on Hannity, on Coulter, and those right wing blogs;
You should just sit back, relax...have a few egg nogs!
'Tis the holiday season: enjoy it a pinch
With all our real problems, do we honestly need another Grinch?
So to my friends and my colleagues I say with delight,
A merry Christmas to all,
and to Bill O'Reilly...Happy Holidays.
This, to me, says it all.
For anyone who has followed the TimesSelect experiment, Maureen Dowd makes unintentional irony
She's probably right. I won't read it either...but who's in the bubble?
QUOTE
OP-ED COLUMNIST
W. Won't Read This
By MAUREEN DOWD
Published: December 14, 2005
Never ask a guy who's in a bubble if he's in a bubble. He can't answer.
To continue reading this article, you must be a subscriber to TimesSelect.
W. Won't Read This
By MAUREEN DOWD
Published: December 14, 2005
Never ask a guy who's in a bubble if he's in a bubble. He can't answer.
To continue reading this article, you must be a subscriber to TimesSelect.
She's probably right. I won't read it either...but who's in the bubble?
President Bush Announces "DO NOT WIRETAP" list
QUOTE(scrappleface.com)
(2005-12-19) — Just days after the New York Times released classified information about eavesdropping by the NSA on Americans linked to international terrorists, President George Bush at a news conference today announced creation of a new website which allows people to voluntarily exclude their phone numbers and email addresses from NSA wiretap lists.
The new National Do Not Wiretap Registry (DoNotWiretap.gov) follows the successful DoNotCall.gov model of allowing citizens to opt-out of harassment by electronic means.
“If you’re concerned that your civil rights might be violated simply because some al Qaeda member has your information in his cellphone or computer,” the president said, “then go to DoNotWiretap.gov, enter your contact phone number, email address, and names of terrorists who might have you on speed dial and we’ll let the National Security Administration know that you don’t want them eavesdropping on you.”
The new National Do Not Wiretap Registry (DoNotWiretap.gov) follows the successful DoNotCall.gov model of allowing citizens to opt-out of harassment by electronic means.
“If you’re concerned that your civil rights might be violated simply because some al Qaeda member has your information in his cellphone or computer,” the president said, “then go to DoNotWiretap.gov, enter your contact phone number, email address, and names of terrorists who might have you on speed dial and we’ll let the National Security Administration know that you don’t want them eavesdropping on you.”
since both Beer and Evolution have been recent topics i thought id post this old groaner
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
http://tomburka.com/
Getting To No: The Inside Story of the New York City Transit Strike
A story rarely circulated in the behind-the-scenes coverage of the strike and the negotiations leading up to it is that of the book on which both parties relied in coming to the table: "Getting to No: The Art of Ridiculously Hardball Negotiation". Both the MTA and the TWU consulted the author, Professor Saul Apt, on positions to take during their talks. In yet another example of famously poor judgment, Apt shared some suggested "discussion openers" with us:
"What the hell is your problem?"
"I'll have you know that the author of the Taylor Law, John Taylor, is my next door neighbor."
"Pensions are so overrated. Look at Enron."
"My cousin retired at 55 and she's been bored to tears ever since."
"I understand we have a huge surplus -- but a billion dollars just doesn't go as far as it used to."
"I know the Mayor and he looks nothing like that."
"Paying for your own health care gives a person a real sense of accomplishment."
"Surpluses are overrated. Everyone knows you get better results by doing more with less."
"I have a friend who won the lottery and it only brought him misery."
"You know you're going to raise the fare soon anyway. This way, if you give in, you'll have a convenient excuse."
Getting To No: The Inside Story of the New York City Transit Strike
A story rarely circulated in the behind-the-scenes coverage of the strike and the negotiations leading up to it is that of the book on which both parties relied in coming to the table: "Getting to No: The Art of Ridiculously Hardball Negotiation". Both the MTA and the TWU consulted the author, Professor Saul Apt, on positions to take during their talks. In yet another example of famously poor judgment, Apt shared some suggested "discussion openers" with us:
"What the hell is your problem?"
"I'll have you know that the author of the Taylor Law, John Taylor, is my next door neighbor."
"Pensions are so overrated. Look at Enron."
"My cousin retired at 55 and she's been bored to tears ever since."
"I understand we have a huge surplus -- but a billion dollars just doesn't go as far as it used to."
"I know the Mayor and he looks nothing like that."
"Paying for your own health care gives a person a real sense of accomplishment."
"Surpluses are overrated. Everyone knows you get better results by doing more with less."
"I have a friend who won the lottery and it only brought him misery."
"You know you're going to raise the fare soon anyway. This way, if you give in, you'll have a convenient excuse."
Absolutely freaking hilarious:
The Wizard of Oil
The Wizard of Oil
Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And
Southern Republicans?
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises his knife,
and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere
seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
There's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of
reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?"
Southern Republicans?
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises his knife,
and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere
seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
There's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of
reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?"
QUOTE(Sleeper @ Jan 6 2006, 01:47 PM)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of
reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?"
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of
reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?"
only nine bangs on the first clip? wouldn't you have chambered one before leaving on such a dangerous journey?
The bestest straight up political rant in a while. A sample:
QUOTE(F The New York Times)
...except the government defines “terrorist” as anyone to the left of Ann Coulter. Want more bike lanes? Well, hello, Mr. Bin Laden. Been caught kissing at a protest? You are, I %&@! you not, a “credible threat” to the country. Hell, they even sent spooks in to infiltrate the Catholic Workers Group because they have, and I'm quoting a government agent here, a “semi-communistic ideology.” Since when are the semi-communists dangerous enough to warrant their very own undercover operative?
This isn’t a slippery slope, it’s a greased cliff with a vicious downdraft and parachute made out of %&@! elephants.
Hang on a minute, are we still fighting %&@! Communism? I thought we won that war. Remember? Reagan said some %&@! about a wall, and then poof! Eastern Europeans got all hopped up on freedom fries and kicked out the Soviets and their damned secret prisons. Thank goodness for that, too – otherwise where would we have found room for our secret prisons?
And don’t even think about going all vegan on us, you little America-hater. The feds have agents all over those fennel-fanatics at PETA. The soy soldiers keep saying they’re trying to save the llamas, but we all know that’s just code for stabbing flag-waving patriots in their sleep. Like you didn’t know Pamela Anderson had her boobs done for Al Qaeda.
This isn’t a slippery slope, it’s a greased cliff with a vicious downdraft and parachute made out of %&@! elephants.
Hang on a minute, are we still fighting %&@! Communism? I thought we won that war. Remember? Reagan said some %&@! about a wall, and then poof! Eastern Europeans got all hopped up on freedom fries and kicked out the Soviets and their damned secret prisons. Thank goodness for that, too – otherwise where would we have found room for our secret prisons?
And don’t even think about going all vegan on us, you little America-hater. The feds have agents all over those fennel-fanatics at PETA. The soy soldiers keep saying they’re trying to save the llamas, but we all know that’s just code for stabbing flag-waving patriots in their sleep. Like you didn’t know Pamela Anderson had her boobs done for Al Qaeda.
This is really funny, creative and informative at the same time. Here are the Alito Opening Hearings in Haiku format.
Not sure this one hasn't been posted before
>
> Subject: Intelligent People
>
> George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks
> her, "Your Majesty,
> how do you run such an efficient
> government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
>
> "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is
> to surround yourself
> with intelligent people."
>
> Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me
> are really
> intelligent?"
>
> The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You
> just ask them to
> answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a
> button on her intercom.
> "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
>
> Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
>
> The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your
> mother and father
> have a child. It is not your brother and it is not
> your sis! ter. Who is
> it?"
>
> Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers,
> "Well, your Majesty,
> that would be me."
>
> "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
>
> Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his vice
> president, the same
> question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and
> your father have a
> child. It's not your brother and it's not your
> sister. Who is it?"
>
> "I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you
> on that one."
>
> Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but
> none can give him an
> answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and
> recognizes Colin
> Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts,
> "Colin! Can you answer this
> for me?
> Your mother and father have a child and it's not
> your brother or your
> sister. Who is it?"
>
> Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
>
> Cheney smile! s, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Cheney
> goes back to speak with
> B ush. "Say, I did some research
> and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin
> Powell."
>
> Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily
> yells into his face, "No,
> you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Subject: Intelligent People
>
> George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks
> her, "Your Majesty,
> how do you run such an efficient
> government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
>
> "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is
> to surround yourself
> with intelligent people."
>
> Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me
> are really
> intelligent?"
>
> The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You
> just ask them to
> answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a
> button on her intercom.
> "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
>
> Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
>
> The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your
> mother and father
> have a child. It is not your brother and it is not
> your sis! ter. Who is
> it?"
>
> Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers,
> "Well, your Majesty,
> that would be me."
>
> "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
>
> Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his vice
> president, the same
> question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and
> your father have a
> child. It's not your brother and it's not your
> sister. Who is it?"
>
> "I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you
> on that one."
>
> Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but
> none can give him an
> answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and
> recognizes Colin
> Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts,
> "Colin! Can you answer this
> for me?
> Your mother and father have a child and it's not
> your brother or your
> sister. Who is it?"
>
> Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
>
> Cheney smile! s, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Cheney
> goes back to speak with
> B ush. "Say, I did some research
> and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin
> Powell."
>
> Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily
> yells into his face, "No,
> you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
>
>
>
>
>
I got this in my email yesterday, sorry if it's been posted before.
Subject: Is it the NBA or NFL?????
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits. and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet? . . . Scroll down, citizen!
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Subject: Is it the NBA or NFL?????
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits. and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet? . . . Scroll down, citizen!
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Heard on Jay Leno 1/17/06
“Of course the Golden Globes were held last night. Brokeback Mountain, Capote, and TransAmerica all did well, and all dealt with homosexual themes. It’s God’s way of punishing Pat Robertson.”
“Of course the Golden Globes were held last night. Brokeback Mountain, Capote, and TransAmerica all did well, and all dealt with homosexual themes. It’s God’s way of punishing Pat Robertson.”
I heard about William Blum getting a boost from Osama's reference to his book, Rogue State: A Guide to the World's Only Superpower on another message board. Rogue was "ranked 209,000 on Amazon.com's sales list before bin Laden mentioned it in an audiotape released on Thursday. By Friday, the book was No. 30 on the Amazon.com list."
Blum is quite happy with the terrorist pitch: "I was glad. I knew it would help the book's sales and I was not bothered by who it was coming from."
My first thought was mmm, capitalism before principles. The only way to go. See Lesly? Dems and Reps can come together on some things!
But enough yapping. Someone posted the following picture as a parody of the incident and I thought I'd share: Bin Laden Picture
Blum is quite happy with the terrorist pitch: "I was glad. I knew it would help the book's sales and I was not bothered by who it was coming from."
My first thought was mmm, capitalism before principles. The only way to go. See Lesly? Dems and Reps can come together on some things!
But enough yapping. Someone posted the following picture as a parody of the incident and I thought I'd share: Bin Laden Picture
How predictable.
QUOTE(Slate.com)
Brain scans confirm the irrationality of partisan political thinking. MRIs of 30 partisan Democrats and Republicans show each group judging flip-flops by the other's candidate (Bush or Kerry) harshly. But when exposed to flip-flops by its own candidate, each group shows activation of brain regions that regulate negative feelings, administer forgiveness, and express relief and happiness. "The 'cold reasoning' regions of the cortex were relatively quiet."
- William Saletan, Human Nature files
- William Saletan, Human Nature files
Alright, I don't see where anyone posted this, so I will. For a little Bush humor, go to JibJab.com, and click on the "2-0-5!" rectangle in the front.
You'll need sound for this, by the way.
You'll need sound for this, by the way.
Preview of the State of the Union Address...
Jock vs. Nerd
$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? However...
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? However...
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
Here are american priorities...
Poor Old Man
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"
The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"
The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"
Poor Old Man
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"
The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"
The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"
It would be funny if it really was a joke. Supposedly, it is not.
Ridiculous Lawsuits
Here are this year's winners:
5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000. by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's own son.
5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74, 000. and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!
4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500. after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000. and dental expenses.
1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an Oklahoma University football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
Ridiculous Lawsuits
Here are this year's winners:
5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000. by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's own son.
5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74, 000. and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!
4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500. after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000. and dental expenses.
1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an Oklahoma University football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
I saw this on Slate. When I clicked the link I thought Saletan was going to offer a serious analysis on this recent legal challenge but maybe it's too soon for him to form an opinion either way and he took the high road with comedy.
Maybe he'll comment on it later, but for now, I thought his version of the Bill of Rights is perfect for this thread. Sample:
Maybe he'll comment on it later, but for now, I thought his version of the Bill of Rights is perfect for this thread. Sample:
QUOTE(Amendment I)
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of mandatory parenthood, or prohibiting the free avoidance thereof; or abridging the freedom of masturbation, or of non-procreative mutual gratification; or the right of the people peaceably to cuddle, and to petition one's partner for a redress of grievances.
QUOTE(Amendment II)
A well-regulated libido, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to sleep and merely bare arms shall not be infringed.
I can't remember if this has been posted before, but it has certainly made its rounds on the 'internets' via email and message boards. I don't have any clue who the original author is.
QUOTE
Things you have to believe to be a Republican
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq, Iran, and Syria.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all humanity with no regulation whatsoever.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need and deserve our prayers for your recovery.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq, Iran, and Syria.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all humanity with no regulation whatsoever.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need and deserve our prayers for your recovery.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
And for the fair and balanced side...
You might be a Democrat if...
You think a mother has a right to kill an innocent 5 month fetus because her pregnancy would interfere with her career, but feel we shouldn't put to death the man who raped and murdered 14 women.
You feel that being convicted of treason is an infringement on your first amendment rights.
You've filed for unemployment within two weeks of getting out of high school.
You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."
You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."
You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does
You actually expect to collect Social Security.
You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
You might be a Democrat if...
You think a mother has a right to kill an innocent 5 month fetus because her pregnancy would interfere with her career, but feel we shouldn't put to death the man who raped and murdered 14 women.
You feel that being convicted of treason is an infringement on your first amendment rights.
You've filed for unemployment within two weeks of getting out of high school.
You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."
You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."
You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does
You actually expect to collect Social Security.
You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
Mision Accomplished?
http://frontier.cincinnati.com/blogs/borgm...copy-732678.gif
The Founding Simpsons
http://www.comics.com/editoons/stahler/arc...r-20060303.html
http://frontier.cincinnati.com/blogs/borgm...copy-732678.gif
The Founding Simpsons
http://www.comics.com/editoons/stahler/arc...r-20060303.html
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two.
One to explain to the gathered crowd that everything possible was being done to change the light bulb in a safe and timely matter, and how fortunate everyone is to have the best civil service agency on the task, while the second one screws the light into the sink.
Two.
One to explain to the gathered crowd that everything possible was being done to change the light bulb in a safe and timely matter, and how fortunate everyone is to have the best civil service agency on the task, while the second one screws the light into the sink.
When I saw this, I felt I had to share it. I searched this thread with ctrl-F and didn't seem to find any key phrases, so I don't think its a redundant posting. The following "test" arrived a few minutes ago as part of a political newsletter:
THIS TEST ONLY HAS ONE QUESTION, BUT IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT ONE!
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options-you can save the life of G. W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer: Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
THIS TEST ONLY HAS ONE QUESTION, BUT IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT ONE!
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options-you can save the life of G. W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer: Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
black and white, simple yet elegant
What You Need To Believe To Be A Republican: 
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney and Rumsfeld did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush couldn't find Bin Laden.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle and antagonize our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's and Dick Cheney's driving records are none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
Supporting "Executive Privilege" is imperative for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
There's nothing wrong with supporting drunken hunters who shoot their friends and blaming the friends for looking too much like quail.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney and Rumsfeld did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush couldn't find Bin Laden.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle and antagonize our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's and Dick Cheney's driving records are none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
Supporting "Executive Privilege" is imperative for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
There's nothing wrong with supporting drunken hunters who shoot their friends and blaming the friends for looking too much like quail.
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