Full Version: The new political joke thread
This is sort of a religious joke, a political joke, and a lawyer joke at the same time:
An engineer dies and finds himself in Hell. When the Devil finds out, he makes a deal with the engineer.
"The truth be told", says Satan, "it's even too hot down here for me anymore. If you can come up with a way to make it cooler here, I'll make sure you are made very comfortable. No suffering at all."
"It's a deal", says the engineer.
After a time, the engineer does indeed come up with a cooling system, and things are downright nice in Hell. After a time, word of this gets back to God, and he places a call to Satan.
"Hey, I hear that Hell isn't so hot anymore", says God.
"Absolutely true", says Satan. "That engineer was, pardon the expression, a God-send."
"What!" said God. "Look, you can't have it comfortable down there. That defeats the whole purpose! And it seems we made a mistake. He should be up here with us. Besides, it's a little too cool here, and we could use his expertise to warm the place up. You'll have to give him back to us."
"Like Hell I'll give him up! You sent him here, and I'm keeping him!"
God shouted, "Oh yeah! I'll sue you!"
The devil replied, "And how are you going to do that? All the lawyers are down here!"
An engineer dies and finds himself in Hell. When the Devil finds out, he makes a deal with the engineer.
"The truth be told", says Satan, "it's even too hot down here for me anymore. If you can come up with a way to make it cooler here, I'll make sure you are made very comfortable. No suffering at all."
"It's a deal", says the engineer.
After a time, the engineer does indeed come up with a cooling system, and things are downright nice in Hell. After a time, word of this gets back to God, and he places a call to Satan.
"Hey, I hear that Hell isn't so hot anymore", says God.
"Absolutely true", says Satan. "That engineer was, pardon the expression, a God-send."
"What!" said God. "Look, you can't have it comfortable down there. That defeats the whole purpose! And it seems we made a mistake. He should be up here with us. Besides, it's a little too cool here, and we could use his expertise to warm the place up. You'll have to give him back to us."
"Like Hell I'll give him up! You sent him here, and I'm keeping him!"
God shouted, "Oh yeah! I'll sue you!"
The devil replied, "And how are you going to do that? All the lawyers are down here!"
Warning: this link is to a piece by Carlos Mencia, who is not known for his political correctness.
For those of you following the immigration debate, Carlos Menica (with Mario Lopez) did what I thought was a hilarious parody of the Brokeback Mountain trailer the other night on Comedy Central's Mind of Mencia.
For those of you who have missed the multitude of Brokeback Mountain parodies out there, this is a good resource.
For those of you following the immigration debate, Carlos Menica (with Mario Lopez) did what I thought was a hilarious parody of the Brokeback Mountain trailer the other night on Comedy Central's Mind of Mencia.
For those of you who have missed the multitude of Brokeback Mountain parodies out there, this is a good resource.
-"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts." - Will Rogers
-"One of my movies was called "True Lies." It's what the Democrats should have called their convention." - Arnold Schwarzenegger
-The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
-Oxymoron : Government Worker
-"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington DC
-"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net." - Bob Dole
-"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, NYC Mayor
-"One of my movies was called "True Lies." It's what the Democrats should have called their convention." - Arnold Schwarzenegger
-The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
-Oxymoron : Government Worker
-"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington DC
-"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net." - Bob Dole
-"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, NYC Mayor
Outsourcing
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States will be outsourced to India as of April 15, 2006. The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-NY). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accountability Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Mr. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the Office of President as of April 15th.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center" stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."
A Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Mr. Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems withthe Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new
position due to limited practical work experience. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile.
Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.
Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States will be outsourced to India as of April 15, 2006. The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-NY). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accountability Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Mr. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the Office of President as of April 15th.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center" stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."
A Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Mr. Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems withthe Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new
position due to limited practical work experience. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile.
Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.
Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.
I just received this in an email. I have no idea where it originated.
In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu,
George W. Bush has ordered bombing of the Canary Islands.
***Breaking News***
In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu,
George W. Bush has ordered bombing of the Canary Islands.
Speaking of Oliphant (PE, you're link didn't work...)
Wily Democrats consider overwhelming a sleeping Elephant
Wily Democrats consider overwhelming a sleeping Elephant
I thought this the best forum for Pat Robertson's latest perverted hilarity...this time on "curing" a woman's asthma. 
Why CBS would waste its time interviewing PR is beyond me.
QUOTE(Pat Robertson)
--the Lord say-- well He did. And I-- and I said-- "You know, please forgive me if I'm being personal, but tell me about your sex life." And she said, "I don't have any." And I said, "Well, I thought you had a wonderful marriage." And she said-- "I do, but I don't have any sex life."
And I said, "How long has that been going on?" And she said, "Two years." And I said-- "And that's when your asthma started, isn't it?" And she said, "Yes." And I said, "Well it's obvious that you're blaming yourself-- for this condition. What's the problem?" And she said, "My husband's impotent."
And I said, "You think it's your fault." And she said, "Yes. It's-- I think it's my fault." And I said, "Well it isn't your fault. And it may be that he's working too hard. He may be having a physical impairment. But-- there's something in his life, that this isn't your fault." And she said, "It's not?"
I said, "Absolutely not." And I said, "Okay, now let's pray for your asthma. And she said, "Okay." And we prayed. And God healed her asthma just like that. And... CBS News
And I said, "How long has that been going on?" And she said, "Two years." And I said-- "And that's when your asthma started, isn't it?" And she said, "Yes." And I said, "Well it's obvious that you're blaming yourself-- for this condition. What's the problem?" And she said, "My husband's impotent."
And I said, "You think it's your fault." And she said, "Yes. It's-- I think it's my fault." And I said, "Well it isn't your fault. And it may be that he's working too hard. He may be having a physical impairment. But-- there's something in his life, that this isn't your fault." And she said, "It's not?"
I said, "Absolutely not." And I said, "Okay, now let's pray for your asthma. And she said, "Okay." And we prayed. And God healed her asthma just like that. And... CBS News
Why CBS would waste its time interviewing PR is beyond me.
In honor of tax day:
Wacky Taxes
Wacky taxes from around the world (same article):
Wacky Taxes
QUOTE
Last year, Tennessee became the latest of more than 20 states to tax illegal drugs. Under the law, when you acquire an illegal drug, you have 48 hours to report to the state and pay your tax, although you aren‘t required to identify yourself. Once you‘ve paid, you’ll receive stamps to put on your illegal substance to show evidence you paid the tax. You don’t have to identify yourself to pay the tax.
To help clean up Chesapeake Bay, Maryland residents must pay a “flush tax” tacked onto septic and sewer bills.
In Maine, anyone who grows, purchases or sells blueberries there will pay a tax.
In Utah, owners of “sexually explicit businesses,” where someone appears nude or partially nude, must pay a 10% tax.
If you want to buy a deck of playing cards in Alabama, be prepared to pay a tax.
In Mississippi, you’ll pay a 7% tax on all amusements, unless you are going to hear gospel music and the program is not mixed with “hillbilly or popular singing,” according to tax experts.
In Arkansas, you’ll pay a tax if you get a tattoo or nose ring.
Canada isn't exempt. In Ontario, boxes of breakfast cereal that contain a toy or bonus item are not subject to retail sales tax, provided the item is not liquor, wine or beer.
To help clean up Chesapeake Bay, Maryland residents must pay a “flush tax” tacked onto septic and sewer bills.
In Maine, anyone who grows, purchases or sells blueberries there will pay a tax.
In Utah, owners of “sexually explicit businesses,” where someone appears nude or partially nude, must pay a 10% tax.
If you want to buy a deck of playing cards in Alabama, be prepared to pay a tax.
In Mississippi, you’ll pay a 7% tax on all amusements, unless you are going to hear gospel music and the program is not mixed with “hillbilly or popular singing,” according to tax experts.
In Arkansas, you’ll pay a tax if you get a tattoo or nose ring.
Canada isn't exempt. In Ontario, boxes of breakfast cereal that contain a toy or bonus item are not subject to retail sales tax, provided the item is not liquor, wine or beer.
Wacky taxes from around the world (same article):
QUOTE
In England, William Pitt the Younger introduced a tax on every property with more than six windows. The taxes, levied during the 1700s and into the early 1800s, were used to pay for military campaigns in Ireland and elsewhere. As a result of the tax, many windows were bricked up.
Also in England, during 1795 William Pitt introduced a tax on wig powder when the French fashion for wearing wigs was all the rage. The unpopular tax was short-lived.
Salt, such an important commodity that the word "salary" stems from the practice of using it as part of a Roman soldier’s wages, has been taxed periodically by various nations. It has been taxed in China for thousands of years.
Also in England, during 1795 William Pitt introduced a tax on wig powder when the French fashion for wearing wigs was all the rage. The unpopular tax was short-lived.
Salt, such an important commodity that the word "salary" stems from the practice of using it as part of a Roman soldier’s wages, has been taxed periodically by various nations. It has been taxed in China for thousands of years.
This is a whole series of Bush cartoons. You can go forwards of backwards (previous picture/next picture) to see more. Some of them are great.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/im...hdubyadoody.htm
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/im...hdubyadoody.htm
"Why do Tom DeLay supporters always travel in groups of three? Because the first can read, the second can write, and the third keeps an eye on those two intellectuals." 
Rumsfeld is reporting to President Bush and the cabinet. "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."
"Oh my gosh!" cries Bush and buries his head in his hands. The cabinet is stunned.
Usually the president never shows any reaction to these reports.
Then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a brazilian?"
QUOTE(Fife and Drum @ May 1 2006, 12:54 PM)
Rumsfeld is reporting to President Bush and the cabinet. "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."
"Oh my gosh!" cries Bush and buries his head in his hands. The cabinet is stunned.
Usually the president never shows any reaction to these reports.
Then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a brazilian?"
"Oh my gosh!" cries Bush and buries his head in his hands. The cabinet is stunned.
Usually the president never shows any reaction to these reports.
Then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a brazilian?"
Now THAT is funny.
Comedian Jeff Foxworthy has a famous routine listing things that indicate you might be a redneck. Well, there are things that may indicate whether Bush is the worst president in history.
If you put on blinders, cherry-pick intelligence and Pinocchio the country into war, you might be the worst president in history.
If you treat the worst terrorist attack in the history of the nation as the best thing that's happened for you politically, you just might be the worst president.
If after Sept. 11, 2001, the ports are as easily accessible as Paula Abdul by an American Idol contestant and the borders look like the Pamplona bull run, you might be the worst president.
If your toilet paper has the Kyoto Treaty, Geneva Convention and the U.S. Constitution imprinted on it, you might be the worst president in history.
If your administration blows the cover of one of our CIA agents like Moe getting back at Larry for accidentally hitting him with a two-by-four, you could qualify for the worst president in history.
If your prisoner interrogation methods look like something out of the "Saw" movies and you're franchising secret prisons around the world, you might be the worst president.
If you can turn the largest surpluses in American history into the largest deficits faster than MC Hammer and never once veto a Congressional spending binge, you might be the worst president.
If you pass a massive, incomprehensible Medicare plan that would make Lyndon Johnson blush, pharmaceutical companies applaud and seniors groan, after lying about the cost of the plan, you may be the worst president in history.
If you have to secretly pay "journalists" to carry your water when Fox News would do it for free, you might be the worst president.
If, in your Orwellian wisdom, you feel you can bypass the courts and wiretap Americans like Linda Tripp on a late-night phone call with a friend, you could be the worst president in history.
If you read a children's book while the nation is under attack and four years later demonstrate you're just as unprepared by playing guitar while a hurricane devastates the Gulf Coast, you might be the worst president.
If you view science such as stem cells, the morning-after pill and global warming like an adult views Santa Claus, and you react quicker to a brain-damaged woman than thousands during a natural disaster, you might be the worst president.
If you've recruited more terrorists than Osama Bin Laden, you might be the worst president.
If a half dozen retired generals are calling for your Secretary of Defense's head and other active duty generals are one more boneheaded foreign policy debacle away from surrounded the White House with tanks, you might be the worst president.
(Kelvin Wade)
If you put on blinders, cherry-pick intelligence and Pinocchio the country into war, you might be the worst president in history.
If you treat the worst terrorist attack in the history of the nation as the best thing that's happened for you politically, you just might be the worst president.
If after Sept. 11, 2001, the ports are as easily accessible as Paula Abdul by an American Idol contestant and the borders look like the Pamplona bull run, you might be the worst president.
If your toilet paper has the Kyoto Treaty, Geneva Convention and the U.S. Constitution imprinted on it, you might be the worst president in history.
If your administration blows the cover of one of our CIA agents like Moe getting back at Larry for accidentally hitting him with a two-by-four, you could qualify for the worst president in history.
If your prisoner interrogation methods look like something out of the "Saw" movies and you're franchising secret prisons around the world, you might be the worst president.
If you can turn the largest surpluses in American history into the largest deficits faster than MC Hammer and never once veto a Congressional spending binge, you might be the worst president.
If you pass a massive, incomprehensible Medicare plan that would make Lyndon Johnson blush, pharmaceutical companies applaud and seniors groan, after lying about the cost of the plan, you may be the worst president in history.
If you have to secretly pay "journalists" to carry your water when Fox News would do it for free, you might be the worst president.
If, in your Orwellian wisdom, you feel you can bypass the courts and wiretap Americans like Linda Tripp on a late-night phone call with a friend, you could be the worst president in history.
If you read a children's book while the nation is under attack and four years later demonstrate you're just as unprepared by playing guitar while a hurricane devastates the Gulf Coast, you might be the worst president.
If you view science such as stem cells, the morning-after pill and global warming like an adult views Santa Claus, and you react quicker to a brain-damaged woman than thousands during a natural disaster, you might be the worst president.
If you've recruited more terrorists than Osama Bin Laden, you might be the worst president.
If a half dozen retired generals are calling for your Secretary of Defense's head and other active duty generals are one more boneheaded foreign policy debacle away from surrounded the White House with tanks, you might be the worst president.
(Kelvin Wade)
Dear President Bush:
I'm planning a trip to Mexico with my immediate family and all extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements.
We're just skipping all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws, because I'm sure they handle those things the same way we do here. But would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that we're on our way?
Please let him know that we'll be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services we might need, whether we use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. We'll want our kids to be taught by English-speaking
teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. We want our kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flagpole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Plan to feed our kids a free breakfast and lunch at school.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I won't know, and don't plan to learn, any of their local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from President Fox to leave us alone, please be sure that all their police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic family celebration on July 4th but we don't want any complaints or negative comments from the neighbors.
12. I would also like to have a nice "temporary" job but I won't be paying any taxes, and don't expect their labor laws to apply to me.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say anything critical about me or my family, or about the strain we might be placing on their economy.
I know this is an easy request because we do all these things for their folks who visit the U.S. I'm sure that President Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with the Vice President!
Sincerely,
A US Citizen
I'm planning a trip to Mexico with my immediate family and all extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements.
We're just skipping all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws, because I'm sure they handle those things the same way we do here. But would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that we're on our way?
Please let him know that we'll be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services we might need, whether we use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. We'll want our kids to be taught by English-speaking
teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. We want our kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flagpole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Plan to feed our kids a free breakfast and lunch at school.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I won't know, and don't plan to learn, any of their local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from President Fox to leave us alone, please be sure that all their police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic family celebration on July 4th but we don't want any complaints or negative comments from the neighbors.
12. I would also like to have a nice "temporary" job but I won't be paying any taxes, and don't expect their labor laws to apply to me.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say anything critical about me or my family, or about the strain we might be placing on their economy.
I know this is an easy request because we do all these things for their folks who visit the U.S. I'm sure that President Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with the Vice President!
Sincerely,
A US Citizen
Michael Musto of The Village Voice speaking of the New Tom Cruise movie on Countdown 5-8-06.
“Yeah, I mean, to put it in perspective it‘s not even what “MI3” made at the box office over the weekend. And that‘s such a bomb that Bush is thinking of dropping it on Iran.”
“Yeah, I mean, to put it in perspective it‘s not even what “MI3” made at the box office over the weekend. And that‘s such a bomb that Bush is thinking of dropping it on Iran.”
This video will be appreciated by those who don't like what's going on with the Bush administration. All others should stay away from the link, especially if a crude expression commonly used to describe men of little character, remorse, honesty or integrity offends.
The tune the video uses is an original by a relatively unknown group. I especially like that touch. It's funny in a sardonic way, so if sarcasm isn't to your liking, stay away too.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEO LINK HAS NOT BEEN APPROVED BY THE FDA, ATF, FBI, FEMA OR SPCA. IT HAS BEEN REVIEWED AND PASSED BY FUBAR.
Yer an (rhymes with brass foal)
The tune the video uses is an original by a relatively unknown group. I especially like that touch. It's funny in a sardonic way, so if sarcasm isn't to your liking, stay away too.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEO LINK HAS NOT BEEN APPROVED BY THE FDA, ATF, FBI, FEMA OR SPCA. IT HAS BEEN REVIEWED AND PASSED BY FUBAR.
Yer an (rhymes with brass foal)
An except from one digruntled senior citizen...
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry and Senator Kennedy want to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry and Senator Kennedy want to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein
Condi may have more to say, now that new translations of Ahmadinejad's letter have become available.
More here.
QUOTE
Can one be a follower of Jesus Christ (PBUH), the great Messenger of God,
Feel obliged to go to the pancake breakfast at the Jesus (PBUH) mosque,
And also Bingo Nites,
Announce one’s opposition to the proliferation of nuclear weapons and WMDs,
Make “War and Terror” into catchy advertising jingle,
And finally, Work towards the establishment of a unified international community – a community which will be governed by Christ and the virtuous Hidden 11th Imam, but only after they recombine as MegaMessenger to do final battle with the diabolical MechaJew.
But at the same time, make crusader attackings on countries; taking their lives and going into villages and homes and mosques to steal cherished family collections of IEDs?
Do not answer! This is a rhetorical question, and I am not finished.
Feel obliged to go to the pancake breakfast at the Jesus (PBUH) mosque,
And also Bingo Nites,
Announce one’s opposition to the proliferation of nuclear weapons and WMDs,
Make “War and Terror” into catchy advertising jingle,
And finally, Work towards the establishment of a unified international community – a community which will be governed by Christ and the virtuous Hidden 11th Imam, but only after they recombine as MegaMessenger to do final battle with the diabolical MechaJew.
But at the same time, make crusader attackings on countries; taking their lives and going into villages and homes and mosques to steal cherished family collections of IEDs?
Do not answer! This is a rhetorical question, and I am not finished.
More here.
QUOTE
. . . Do you not realize you are beaten, as a donkey is beaten, but knoweth not his donkeyhood is cursed? Your comics have turned against you in your own lair, and mock you without mercy. We have seen the videos of the Meal of the Correspondents, and we know how your left regards the men of the laugh as prophets and seers. It is only a matter of time before Johnny Carson (applause be upon him) returns from occlusion to request that you, Mr. President, take the Slauson cutoff, get out of your car, and cut off your Slauson, Hi-yo, salaam. And a third part of the Slauson shall be stained with the tears of the womenfolk, and (9323 words excised)
QUOTE(BoF @ May 16 2006, 11:00 PM)
BoF...
This thread is for political jokes, not news stories. Let's keep it light hearted.
That is funny. I used to work with a guy with a similar, um, problem.
Here is a video that is funny, in a very inside-politics kind of way. Cube Jockey, tune in if you're out there.
Here is a video that is funny, in a very inside-politics kind of way. Cube Jockey, tune in if you're out there.
These anecdotes are from military briefings. Of course, the names have been removed...
"The 'L' in CENTCOM stands for leadership..."
"At this Command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM)
"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."
"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of R's in "fat chance..." GS-15
"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them ... and then exploit the hell out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM)
"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, ...well, ...way too much...
"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..." MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV
"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea
"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult tasker
"OK, this is too stupid for words." LTC (JS)
"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6." Col (EUCOM)
"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see."
"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." MAJ (JS)
"How much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress?"
"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."
"Let me tell you about the benefits of being on a staff...This should be a short conversation." LtCol to Lt Col (EUCOM)
USCENTCOM commanders announced today that they intend to maintain their presence in Qatar "until the sun runs out of hydrogen," thus committing the US to the longest duration deployment in human history. When asked how they planned to maintain the presence in Qatar for a projected length of 4 to 5 billion years, planners said "we're working on a plan for that. We don't have one yet, but not having a plan or an intelligent reason to do something has never been much of an impediment for us in the past; we don't foresee it being a big show stopper for us in the future either."
Among the options that were being discussed was an innovative program to "interbreed" the deployed personnel. "We are going to actively encourage the military members in Qatar to intermarry and raise children that will replace them in the future. Sure, it may be a little hard on some of our female service members, since there are currently are about 8 men for every woman over there, but we expect that to be OBE as the sex ratios will even out in a generation or two. In any case the key to the plan is to make these assignments not only permanent, but inheritable and hereditary. For example, if you currently work the JOC weather desk, so will your children, and their children, and their children, ad infinitum. We like to think of it as job security." CPT
"That's FUBIJAR." (*expletive* Up, But I'm Just a Reservist)
"The 'L' in CENTCOM stands for leadership..."
"At this Command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM)
"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."
"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of R's in "fat chance..." GS-15
"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them ... and then exploit the hell out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM)
"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, ...well, ...way too much...
"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..." MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV
"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea
"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult tasker
"OK, this is too stupid for words." LTC (JS)
"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6." Col (EUCOM)
"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see."
"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." MAJ (JS)
"How much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress?"
"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."
"Let me tell you about the benefits of being on a staff...This should be a short conversation." LtCol to Lt Col (EUCOM)
USCENTCOM commanders announced today that they intend to maintain their presence in Qatar "until the sun runs out of hydrogen," thus committing the US to the longest duration deployment in human history. When asked how they planned to maintain the presence in Qatar for a projected length of 4 to 5 billion years, planners said "we're working on a plan for that. We don't have one yet, but not having a plan or an intelligent reason to do something has never been much of an impediment for us in the past; we don't foresee it being a big show stopper for us in the future either."
Among the options that were being discussed was an innovative program to "interbreed" the deployed personnel. "We are going to actively encourage the military members in Qatar to intermarry and raise children that will replace them in the future. Sure, it may be a little hard on some of our female service members, since there are currently are about 8 men for every woman over there, but we expect that to be OBE as the sex ratios will even out in a generation or two. In any case the key to the plan is to make these assignments not only permanent, but inheritable and hereditary. For example, if you currently work the JOC weather desk, so will your children, and their children, and their children, ad infinitum. We like to think of it as job security." CPT
"That's FUBIJAR." (*expletive* Up, But I'm Just a Reservist)
Ok, here's a cartoon video for the conservatives among us. Enjoy.
http://www.michaelhodges.com/missing.html
http://www.michaelhodges.com/missing.html
Jumping The Fence
I think the video is real. If it is, it's the perfect snapshot moment capturing the administration's policy failures. If not, still funny.
I think the video is real. If it is, it's the perfect snapshot moment capturing the administration's policy failures. If not, still funny.
The Woes of Dyslexia
Teeheehee
QUOTE
Days after receiving an 18-page letter from Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President George W. Bush called the lengthy missive “an act of war” and demanded that Iran halt its production of long letters at once.
At the White House, aides said that writing a letter of such length to President Bush, who is known for his extreme distaste for reading, was the most provocative act Mr. Ahmadinejad could have possibly committed.
“Everyone knows that the last book the president read was ‘My Pet Goat,’” one aide said. “Expecting him to read an 18-page letter is really asking for it, and that Iranian dude must have known that.”
According to those close to Mr. Bush, the president was infuriated upon receipt of the 18-page letter and asked aides if it was some kind of joke.
The president then demanded that the letter be boiled down to a one- or two-page format, or possibly adapted to a DVD version, just as he had ordered for news reports on Hurricane Katrina.
In Tehran, President Ahmadinejad said he was “taken aback” by Mr. Bush’s refusal to read an 18-page letter, but said that all his future communications to the U.S. president would be in short, easy-to-read instant-messaging format.
In his first IM to President Bush, released to the press today, President Ahmadinejad writes, “Am building nukes. R U angry? LOL.”
At the White House, aides said that writing a letter of such length to President Bush, who is known for his extreme distaste for reading, was the most provocative act Mr. Ahmadinejad could have possibly committed.
“Everyone knows that the last book the president read was ‘My Pet Goat,’” one aide said. “Expecting him to read an 18-page letter is really asking for it, and that Iranian dude must have known that.”
According to those close to Mr. Bush, the president was infuriated upon receipt of the 18-page letter and asked aides if it was some kind of joke.
The president then demanded that the letter be boiled down to a one- or two-page format, or possibly adapted to a DVD version, just as he had ordered for news reports on Hurricane Katrina.
In Tehran, President Ahmadinejad said he was “taken aback” by Mr. Bush’s refusal to read an 18-page letter, but said that all his future communications to the U.S. president would be in short, easy-to-read instant-messaging format.
In his first IM to President Bush, released to the press today, President Ahmadinejad writes, “Am building nukes. R U angry? LOL.”
Teeheehee
One of those chain e-mails
QUOTE
Subject: No Dentist Left Behind
TO ALL MY FRIENDS IN THE EDUCATION COMMUNITY-- SENT TO ME BY ANOTHER FRIEND IN EDUCATION! PLEASE READ, IT'S GREAT!
No Dentist Left Behind
My dentist is great! He sends me reminders so I don't forget checkups.
He uses the latest techniques based on research. He never hurts me, and
I've got all my teeth. When I ran into him the other day, I was eager to
see if he'd heard about the new state program. I knew he'd think it was great.
"Did you hear about the new state program to measure effectiveness of
dentists with their young patients?" I said. "No," he said. He didn't
seem too thrilled. "How will they do that?" "It's quite simple," I said.
"They will just count the number of cavities each patient has at age 10,
14, and 18 and average that to determine a dentist's rating. Dentists
will be rated as excellent, good, average, below average, and
unsatisfactory. That way parents will know which are the best dentists.
The plan will also encourage the less effective dentists to get better,"
I said. "Poor dentists who don't improve could lose their licenses to practice."
"That's terrible," he said.
"What? That's not a good attitude," I said. "Don't you think we should
try to improve children's dental health in this state?"
"Sure I do," he said, "but that's not a fair way to determine who is
practicing good dentistry."
"Why not?" I said. "It makes perfect sense to me."
"Well, it's so obvious," he said. "Don't you see that dentists don't
all work with the same clientele, and that much depends on things we
can't control? For example, I work in a rural area with a high
percentage of patients from deprived homes, while some of my colleagues
work in upper middle-class neighborhoods. Many of the parents I work
with don't bring their children to see me until there is some kind of
problem, and I don't get to do much preventive work.
Also many of the parents I serve let their kids eat way too much candy
from an early age, unlike more educated parents who understand the
relationship between sugar and decay.
To top it all off, so many of my clients have well water, which
is untreated and has no fluoride in it. Do you have any idea how
much difference early use of fluoride can make?"
"It sounds like you're making excuses," I said. "I can't believe that
you, my dentist, would be so defensive. After all, you do a great job,
and you needn't fear a little accountability."
"I am not being defensive!" he said. "My best patients are as good as
anyone 's, my work is as good as anyone's, but my average cavity count
is going to be higher than a lot of other dentists because I chose to
work where I am needed most."
"Don't' get touchy," I said.
"Touchy?" he said. His face had turned red, and from the way he was
clenching and unclenching his jaws, I was afraid he was going to damage
his teeth. "Try furious! In a system like this, I will end up being
rated average, below average, or worse. The few educated patients I have
who see these ratings may believe this so-called rating is an actual
measure of my ability and proficiency as a dentist. They may leave me,
and I'll be left with only the most needy patients. And my cavity
average score will get even worse. On top of that, how will I attract
good dental hygienists and other excellent dentists to my practice if it
is labeled below average?"
"I think you are overreacting," I said. "Complaining, excuse making and
stonewalling won't improve dental health'...I am quoting from a leading
member of the DOC," I noted.
"What's the DOC?" he asked.
"It's the Dental Oversight Committee," I said, "a group made up of
mostly lay persons to make sure dentistry in this state gets improved."
"Spare me," he said, "I can't believe this. Reasonable people won't
buy it," he said hopefully.
The program sounded reasonable to me, so I asked, "How else would you
measure good dentistry?"
"Come watch me work," he said. "Observe my processes."
"That's too complicated, expensive and time-consuming," I said.
"Cavities are the bottom line, and you can't argue with the bottom line.
It's an absolute measure."
"That's what I'm afraid my parents and prospective patients will think.
This can't be happening," he said despairingly.
"Now, now," I said, "don't despair. The state will help you some."
"How?" he asked.
"If you receive a poor rating, they'll send a dentist who is rated
excellent to help straighten you out," I said brightly.
"You mean," he said, "they'll send a dentist with a wealthy clientele
to show me how to work on severe juvenile dental problems with which I
have probably had much more experience? BIG HELP!"
"There you go again," I said. "You aren't acting professionally at all."
"You don't get it," he said. "Doing this would be like grading schools
and teachers on an average score made on a test of children's progress
with no regard to influences outside the school, the home, the
community served and stuff like that. Why would they do something so
unfair to dentists? No one would ever think of doing that to schools."
I just shook my head sadly, but he had brightened. "I'm going to write
my representatives and senators," he said.
"I'll use the school analogy. Surely they will see the point."
He walked off with that look of hope mixed with fear and suppressed
anger that I, a teacher, see in the mirror so often lately.
If you don't understand why educators resent the recent federal NO
CHILD LEFT BEHIND ACT, this may help. If you do understand, you'll
enjoy this analogy, which was forwarded by:
John S. Taylor, Superintendent of Schools for the Lancaster County, PA,
School District. Be a friend to a teacher and pass this on.
TO ALL MY FRIENDS IN THE EDUCATION COMMUNITY-- SENT TO ME BY ANOTHER FRIEND IN EDUCATION! PLEASE READ, IT'S GREAT!
No Dentist Left Behind
My dentist is great! He sends me reminders so I don't forget checkups.
He uses the latest techniques based on research. He never hurts me, and
I've got all my teeth. When I ran into him the other day, I was eager to
see if he'd heard about the new state program. I knew he'd think it was great.
"Did you hear about the new state program to measure effectiveness of
dentists with their young patients?" I said. "No," he said. He didn't
seem too thrilled. "How will they do that?" "It's quite simple," I said.
"They will just count the number of cavities each patient has at age 10,
14, and 18 and average that to determine a dentist's rating. Dentists
will be rated as excellent, good, average, below average, and
unsatisfactory. That way parents will know which are the best dentists.
The plan will also encourage the less effective dentists to get better,"
I said. "Poor dentists who don't improve could lose their licenses to practice."
"That's terrible," he said.
"What? That's not a good attitude," I said. "Don't you think we should
try to improve children's dental health in this state?"
"Sure I do," he said, "but that's not a fair way to determine who is
practicing good dentistry."
"Why not?" I said. "It makes perfect sense to me."
"Well, it's so obvious," he said. "Don't you see that dentists don't
all work with the same clientele, and that much depends on things we
can't control? For example, I work in a rural area with a high
percentage of patients from deprived homes, while some of my colleagues
work in upper middle-class neighborhoods. Many of the parents I work
with don't bring their children to see me until there is some kind of
problem, and I don't get to do much preventive work.
Also many of the parents I serve let their kids eat way too much candy
from an early age, unlike more educated parents who understand the
relationship between sugar and decay.
To top it all off, so many of my clients have well water, which
is untreated and has no fluoride in it. Do you have any idea how
much difference early use of fluoride can make?"
"It sounds like you're making excuses," I said. "I can't believe that
you, my dentist, would be so defensive. After all, you do a great job,
and you needn't fear a little accountability."
"I am not being defensive!" he said. "My best patients are as good as
anyone 's, my work is as good as anyone's, but my average cavity count
is going to be higher than a lot of other dentists because I chose to
work where I am needed most."
"Don't' get touchy," I said.
"Touchy?" he said. His face had turned red, and from the way he was
clenching and unclenching his jaws, I was afraid he was going to damage
his teeth. "Try furious! In a system like this, I will end up being
rated average, below average, or worse. The few educated patients I have
who see these ratings may believe this so-called rating is an actual
measure of my ability and proficiency as a dentist. They may leave me,
and I'll be left with only the most needy patients. And my cavity
average score will get even worse. On top of that, how will I attract
good dental hygienists and other excellent dentists to my practice if it
is labeled below average?"
"I think you are overreacting," I said. "Complaining, excuse making and
stonewalling won't improve dental health'...I am quoting from a leading
member of the DOC," I noted.
"What's the DOC?" he asked.
"It's the Dental Oversight Committee," I said, "a group made up of
mostly lay persons to make sure dentistry in this state gets improved."
"Spare me," he said, "I can't believe this. Reasonable people won't
buy it," he said hopefully.
The program sounded reasonable to me, so I asked, "How else would you
measure good dentistry?"
"Come watch me work," he said. "Observe my processes."
"That's too complicated, expensive and time-consuming," I said.
"Cavities are the bottom line, and you can't argue with the bottom line.
It's an absolute measure."
"That's what I'm afraid my parents and prospective patients will think.
This can't be happening," he said despairingly.
"Now, now," I said, "don't despair. The state will help you some."
"How?" he asked.
"If you receive a poor rating, they'll send a dentist who is rated
excellent to help straighten you out," I said brightly.
"You mean," he said, "they'll send a dentist with a wealthy clientele
to show me how to work on severe juvenile dental problems with which I
have probably had much more experience? BIG HELP!"
"There you go again," I said. "You aren't acting professionally at all."
"You don't get it," he said. "Doing this would be like grading schools
and teachers on an average score made on a test of children's progress
with no regard to influences outside the school, the home, the
community served and stuff like that. Why would they do something so
unfair to dentists? No one would ever think of doing that to schools."
I just shook my head sadly, but he had brightened. "I'm going to write
my representatives and senators," he said.
"I'll use the school analogy. Surely they will see the point."
He walked off with that look of hope mixed with fear and suppressed
anger that I, a teacher, see in the mirror so often lately.
If you don't understand why educators resent the recent federal NO
CHILD LEFT BEHIND ACT, this may help. If you do understand, you'll
enjoy this analogy, which was forwarded by:
John S. Taylor, Superintendent of Schools for the Lancaster County, PA,
School District. Be a friend to a teacher and pass this on.
This is not really a joke, per se, but it's still pretty darned funny.
QUOTE
Just when you thought it couldn’t get any crazier for Rep. Katherine Harris (R-Fla.) and Co., it has. Her latest shoeless episode, the one last week in which a Prince Charming-like intern was spotted hurriedly delivering a pair of heels to the Congresswoman off the House floor, has a couple of more bizarre twists to it. A flurry of mishaps, essentially, that involved a shoeshine stand and a car wreck.
...
Read whole article
...
Read whole article
... joke...? ...reality...?
A little from column A, a little from column B.
http://vernonrobinson.com/twilightzone.shtml (video)
Courtesy of crashfourit
A little from column A, a little from column B.
http://vernonrobinson.com/twilightzone.shtml (video)
Courtesy of crashfourit
As you might guess, Rush Limbaugh/Viagra jokes are in and on the air.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/rushlim...mbaughjokes.htm
http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/rushlim...mbaughjokes.htm
Found this on YouTube. I really miss the show "Shorties watching shorties"
Foreign relations
War on terror
Foreign relations
War on terror
I dont know if this has been previously posted but thought it was funny...
NBA OR NFL?
36
have been accused of spousal abuse
7
have been arrested for fraud
19
have been accused of writing bad checks
117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3
have done time for assault
71
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14
have been arrested on drug-related charges
8
have been arrested for shoplifting
21
currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
84
have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet? . . .
Scroll down...
Neither, it's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
You gotta pass this one on!
Without a doubt, that will be my nomination for next year's best political joke. Thanks DeathAlive.
CP
CP
Liberal: The USA has fifty states.
Conservative: No, it doesn’t.
Liberal: Yes, it does. The USA has fifty states.
Conservative: What about Guam? What about that Guam, huh? Or the
Virgin Islands?
Liberal: Those are territories, not states. The USA has fifty states.
Conservative: Oh, so you’re saying those don’t count?
Liberal: Yes.
Conservative: Oh, so the people there don’t count? They’re not good enough, huh? I thought you liberals wanted everybody to be counted.
Liberal: No, I said the territories don’t count as states. The USA has fifty states.
Conservative: You’re really something, you know that? You liberals are always going on about how all of us conservatives are racists, how we don’t care about anybody but people who look like us. But you don’t even want to count the blacks who live in Guam as Americans.
Liberal: First of all, I never said all conservatives are racists.
Conservative: Yes, you did.
Liberal: No, I didn’t.
Conservative: Michael Moore says it.
Liberal: I’ve never heard him say that.
Conservative: Yes, he does! He most definitely does!
Liberal: Look, I don’t know what he says. That’s beside the point. And the people in Guam “count,” whatever that means. I don’t even know who lives in Guam; I don’t know the first thing about Guam. I’m just saying Guam isn’t a state ¬ it’s a territory. The USA has fifty states.
Conservative: What about Puerto Rico?
Liberal: What?
Conservative: What about Puerto Rico, huh? You love all those Mexicans coming across the border stealing our jobs ¬ you must LOVE Puerto Rico, right?
Liberal: I’ve never been to Puerto Rico.
Conservative: Well, I have, and those kind of people would be pretty offended to hear liberals like you saying they aren’t real Americans!
Liberal: I didn’t say that!
Conservative: You said they didn’t count!
Liberal: I didn’t say that either! No, wait, just wait… (takes deep breath). I only said the USA has fifty states. Puerto Rico isn’t a state ¬ it’s a commonwealth.
Conservative: And they don’t speak English!
Liberal: Well, many Puerto Ricans do.
Conservative: How do you know that? I’ve been there ¬ you haven’t!
Liberal: All right, OK, fine, whatever. But the USA has fifty states.
Conservative: Well, I say Puerto Rico counts.
Liberal: Fine, but not as a state.
Conservative: Well, that’s YOUR opinion.
Liberal: It’s not my opinion ¬ it’s a fact.
Conservative: Says you!
Liberal: No, not just “says me.” It’s a fact. Look it up.
Conservative: I don’t have time.
Liberal: You don’t have time to find out if the USA has fifty states?
Conservative: Listen, you may have time to sit around all day surfing on your liberal websites, downloading Michael Moore, but I’ve got things to do.
Liberal: Like reading about blacks in Guam and Mexicans in Puerto Rico?
Conservative: See, that’s why you guys always lose. I’m trying to have a nice conversation, and you just keep up with the insults!
Liberal: Listen, I didn’t mean to insult you.
Conservative: Oh, yes you did!
Liberal: No, look, I’m sorry, OK? I didn’t mean to insult you. Honestly. It’s just that… well, the USA has fifty states. That’s a fact. And I’m just trying to state a fact, and you’re getting very defensive, and…
Conservative: Oh, so now I’m defensive.
Liberal: Well…
Conservative: You just said you weren’t going to insult me!
Liberal: Look, I’m just trying to say the USA has fifty states!
Conservative: According to YOUR sources!
Liberal: MY sources?! What are you talking about? Look it up!
Conservative: I told you, I don’t have time to spend all day cruising the internet, looking up geography questions! Maybe if you were busier at your job, trying to live the American Dream, you wouldn’t have time for all this hate!
Liberal: I work hard at my job!
Conservative: Then why are you spending all day downloading Michael Moore?
Liberal: I don’t spend all day downloading Michael Moore! I don’t even know what you mean by that! All I’m saying is that the USA has fifty states!
Conservative: Again, according to YOU!
Liberal: Not just me! Here, here’s the World Book Encyclopedia. Look it up ¬ it’s fifty states!
Conservative: Oh, sure, the World Book! Yeah, like I’m going to believe the World Book!
Liberal: What?
Conservative: Come on, it’s a liberal rag!
Liberal: (Long, teeth-gnashing pause) Look, just look up “United States of America.” Ten bucks it says, “the USA has fifty states.”
Conservative: Ten bucks, huh?
Liberal: Yeah, ten bucks. (pause) Wait, that’s the “M” volume.
Conservative: I know.
Liberal: You need to look under “U” for “United States.”
Conservative: I’m not looking for “United States.” I’m looking for “Moore, Michael.”
Liberal: What?!
Conservative: And when I find a big glowing article about him, you’re going to owe me ten bucks!
Liberal: Why would I owe you ten bucks?!
Conservative: You bet me ten bucks that the World Book Encyclopedia isn’t liberal.
Liberal: No I didn’t!
Conservative: Yes, you did! You bet me ten bucks that I couldn’t find a liberal article in the World Book. So when I find Michael Moore’s picture, you owe me ten bucks!
Liberal: Oh, my lord…
Conservative: AHA!
Liberal: Listen, you idiot, just because you found Michael Moore’s picture in the World Book doesn’t mean that I owe you ten bucks! It doesn’t mean the World Book is a liberal encyclopedia! And it certainly doesn’t mean the USA doesn’t have fifty states!!
Conservative: Oh, no? Look at this!
Liberal: (pause) “Massachusetts”?
Conservative: Bingo!
Liberal: What the hell does Massachusetts have to do with anything?
Conservative: The COMMONWEALTH of Massachusetts!
Liberal: So?
Conservative: So you said Puerto Rico is a commonwealth!
Liberal: Oh, no…
Conservative: You ADMITTED Puerto Rico was a commonwealth! Admit it, you said it!
Liberal: Oh, man…
Conservative: So if Massachusetts is a commonwealth, and Puerto Rico is a commonwealth, then they BOTH must be states! HA!
Liberal: OK, look…
Conservative: You owe me twenty bucks!
Liberal: What?
Conservative: Come one, pay up! Twenty bucks, let’s go!
Liberal: I don’t owe you twenty bucks!
Conservative: And I’m not even counting Pennsylvania!
Liberal: Pennsylvania?
Conservative: That’s a commonwealth, too!
Liberal: It’s a commonwealth, but…
Conservative: And Washington!
Liberal: All right, look, I lived in Seattle ¬ Washington is NOT a commonwealth!
Conservative: Seattle’s not even a state ¬ it’s a city!
Liberal: Yes, it’s a city, in Washington State! Washington’s a state!
Conservative: I’m talking about Washington D.C.
Liberal: What?
Conservative: Washington D.C. It’s a city.
Liberal: I know what it is!
Conservative: Well, you liberals are always going on about “Statehood for Washington!” Which, you admit, is already a state!
Liberal: Washington D.C. is not a state!
Conservative: Washington State is!
Liberal: You just said Washington D.C.!
Conservative: And you said it should be a state!
Liberal: I never said that! I mean, it should be… but I never…look…
Conservative: Should Washington be a state?
Liberal: Well…
Conservative: Simple question.
Liberal: Washington State?
Conservative: Yes or No?
Liberal: Washington State or Washington D.C.?
Conservative: Right.
(Long pause)
Conservative: He snorts cocaine.
(Long, painful pause)
Liberal: (slowly) This is Washington D.C. you’re talking about.
Conservative: Yeah. The mayor snorts cocaine.
Liberal: Actually, he’s no longer the mayor…
Conservative: I don’t think a state should have a governor who’s used drugs.
Liberal: He’s not the governor; Washington’s not a…
Conservative: Except maybe California.
Liberal: OK, OK, stop for a moment…
Conservative: I mean, that was a long time ago…
Liberal: Listen, listen…
Conservative: I don’t see Michael Moore making any movies about cocaine in Washington State, do you?
Liberal: Please, STOP!
(pause)
Liberal: Look, I’m just trying to make a simple point here…
Conservative: What about…
Liberal: STOP!!!
(long pause)
Liberal: I’m just trying to make a SIMPLE point here. It’s not a big deal ¬ it’s just a fact. The USA has fifty states. That’s all! Yes, Puerto Rico is a commonwealth, but it isn’t counted among the fifty states. Yes, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania are commonwealths too. So are Virginia and, I think, Kentucky. I don’t know about Kentucky for sure, and you know what ¬ it doesn’t matter! They’re considered states, OK? They’re states. Washington D.C. isn’t one, even though I wish it was. Guam isn’t one. There are only fifty. Fifty states. Fifty stars on the flag ¬ fifty states. That’s all. Fifty.
(long pause)
Conservative: Rush is so right about you people.
Liberal: Huh?
Conservative: Rush. He gets it. You people are the worst.
Liberal: I don’t…
Conservative: Here I am, trying to have an honest political discussion, and all you can do is bring up this liberal claptrap! You call people like Rush racists, but you don’t want to count Mexicans as Americans. You insult the Governor of California every chance you get. You get all your information from encyclopedias and Michael Moore. You want free cocaine in Washington, and you want Seattle to become a commonwealth, and you won’t pay me my fifty dollars even after I proved that blacks run Guam! And then, worst of all, you insult our flag and our troops!!! You disgust me!
Liberal: Good-bye.
Conservative: See, there you liberals go again! Sneaking off to download porn from Kentucky! I’m not forgetting you owe me 100 dollars!
(pause)
Conservative: That’s it, cut and run!
(long pause)
Conservative: Why do you hate America?
Conservative: No, it doesn’t.
Liberal: Yes, it does. The USA has fifty states.
Conservative: What about Guam? What about that Guam, huh? Or the
Virgin Islands?
Liberal: Those are territories, not states. The USA has fifty states.
Conservative: Oh, so you’re saying those don’t count?
Liberal: Yes.
Conservative: Oh, so the people there don’t count? They’re not good enough, huh? I thought you liberals wanted everybody to be counted.
Liberal: No, I said the territories don’t count as states. The USA has fifty states.
Conservative: You’re really something, you know that? You liberals are always going on about how all of us conservatives are racists, how we don’t care about anybody but people who look like us. But you don’t even want to count the blacks who live in Guam as Americans.
Liberal: First of all, I never said all conservatives are racists.
Conservative: Yes, you did.
Liberal: No, I didn’t.
Conservative: Michael Moore says it.
Liberal: I’ve never heard him say that.
Conservative: Yes, he does! He most definitely does!
Liberal: Look, I don’t know what he says. That’s beside the point. And the people in Guam “count,” whatever that means. I don’t even know who lives in Guam; I don’t know the first thing about Guam. I’m just saying Guam isn’t a state ¬ it’s a territory. The USA has fifty states.
Conservative: What about Puerto Rico?
Liberal: What?
Conservative: What about Puerto Rico, huh? You love all those Mexicans coming across the border stealing our jobs ¬ you must LOVE Puerto Rico, right?
Liberal: I’ve never been to Puerto Rico.
Conservative: Well, I have, and those kind of people would be pretty offended to hear liberals like you saying they aren’t real Americans!
Liberal: I didn’t say that!
Conservative: You said they didn’t count!
Liberal: I didn’t say that either! No, wait, just wait… (takes deep breath). I only said the USA has fifty states. Puerto Rico isn’t a state ¬ it’s a commonwealth.
Conservative: And they don’t speak English!
Liberal: Well, many Puerto Ricans do.
Conservative: How do you know that? I’ve been there ¬ you haven’t!
Liberal: All right, OK, fine, whatever. But the USA has fifty states.
Conservative: Well, I say Puerto Rico counts.
Liberal: Fine, but not as a state.
Conservative: Well, that’s YOUR opinion.
Liberal: It’s not my opinion ¬ it’s a fact.
Conservative: Says you!
Liberal: No, not just “says me.” It’s a fact. Look it up.
Conservative: I don’t have time.
Liberal: You don’t have time to find out if the USA has fifty states?
Conservative: Listen, you may have time to sit around all day surfing on your liberal websites, downloading Michael Moore, but I’ve got things to do.
Liberal: Like reading about blacks in Guam and Mexicans in Puerto Rico?
Conservative: See, that’s why you guys always lose. I’m trying to have a nice conversation, and you just keep up with the insults!
Liberal: Listen, I didn’t mean to insult you.
Conservative: Oh, yes you did!
Liberal: No, look, I’m sorry, OK? I didn’t mean to insult you. Honestly. It’s just that… well, the USA has fifty states. That’s a fact. And I’m just trying to state a fact, and you’re getting very defensive, and…
Conservative: Oh, so now I’m defensive.
Liberal: Well…
Conservative: You just said you weren’t going to insult me!
Liberal: Look, I’m just trying to say the USA has fifty states!
Conservative: According to YOUR sources!
Liberal: MY sources?! What are you talking about? Look it up!
Conservative: I told you, I don’t have time to spend all day cruising the internet, looking up geography questions! Maybe if you were busier at your job, trying to live the American Dream, you wouldn’t have time for all this hate!
Liberal: I work hard at my job!
Conservative: Then why are you spending all day downloading Michael Moore?
Liberal: I don’t spend all day downloading Michael Moore! I don’t even know what you mean by that! All I’m saying is that the USA has fifty states!
Conservative: Again, according to YOU!
Liberal: Not just me! Here, here’s the World Book Encyclopedia. Look it up ¬ it’s fifty states!
Conservative: Oh, sure, the World Book! Yeah, like I’m going to believe the World Book!
Liberal: What?
Conservative: Come on, it’s a liberal rag!
Liberal: (Long, teeth-gnashing pause) Look, just look up “United States of America.” Ten bucks it says, “the USA has fifty states.”
Conservative: Ten bucks, huh?
Liberal: Yeah, ten bucks. (pause) Wait, that’s the “M” volume.
Conservative: I know.
Liberal: You need to look under “U” for “United States.”
Conservative: I’m not looking for “United States.” I’m looking for “Moore, Michael.”
Liberal: What?!
Conservative: And when I find a big glowing article about him, you’re going to owe me ten bucks!
Liberal: Why would I owe you ten bucks?!
Conservative: You bet me ten bucks that the World Book Encyclopedia isn’t liberal.
Liberal: No I didn’t!
Conservative: Yes, you did! You bet me ten bucks that I couldn’t find a liberal article in the World Book. So when I find Michael Moore’s picture, you owe me ten bucks!
Liberal: Oh, my lord…
Conservative: AHA!
Liberal: Listen, you idiot, just because you found Michael Moore’s picture in the World Book doesn’t mean that I owe you ten bucks! It doesn’t mean the World Book is a liberal encyclopedia! And it certainly doesn’t mean the USA doesn’t have fifty states!!
Conservative: Oh, no? Look at this!
Liberal: (pause) “Massachusetts”?
Conservative: Bingo!
Liberal: What the hell does Massachusetts have to do with anything?
Conservative: The COMMONWEALTH of Massachusetts!
Liberal: So?
Conservative: So you said Puerto Rico is a commonwealth!
Liberal: Oh, no…
Conservative: You ADMITTED Puerto Rico was a commonwealth! Admit it, you said it!
Liberal: Oh, man…
Conservative: So if Massachusetts is a commonwealth, and Puerto Rico is a commonwealth, then they BOTH must be states! HA!
Liberal: OK, look…
Conservative: You owe me twenty bucks!
Liberal: What?
Conservative: Come one, pay up! Twenty bucks, let’s go!
Liberal: I don’t owe you twenty bucks!
Conservative: And I’m not even counting Pennsylvania!
Liberal: Pennsylvania?
Conservative: That’s a commonwealth, too!
Liberal: It’s a commonwealth, but…
Conservative: And Washington!
Liberal: All right, look, I lived in Seattle ¬ Washington is NOT a commonwealth!
Conservative: Seattle’s not even a state ¬ it’s a city!
Liberal: Yes, it’s a city, in Washington State! Washington’s a state!
Conservative: I’m talking about Washington D.C.
Liberal: What?
Conservative: Washington D.C. It’s a city.
Liberal: I know what it is!
Conservative: Well, you liberals are always going on about “Statehood for Washington!” Which, you admit, is already a state!
Liberal: Washington D.C. is not a state!
Conservative: Washington State is!
Liberal: You just said Washington D.C.!
Conservative: And you said it should be a state!
Liberal: I never said that! I mean, it should be… but I never…look…
Conservative: Should Washington be a state?
Liberal: Well…
Conservative: Simple question.
Liberal: Washington State?
Conservative: Yes or No?
Liberal: Washington State or Washington D.C.?
Conservative: Right.
(Long pause)
Conservative: He snorts cocaine.
(Long, painful pause)
Liberal: (slowly) This is Washington D.C. you’re talking about.
Conservative: Yeah. The mayor snorts cocaine.
Liberal: Actually, he’s no longer the mayor…
Conservative: I don’t think a state should have a governor who’s used drugs.
Liberal: He’s not the governor; Washington’s not a…
Conservative: Except maybe California.
Liberal: OK, OK, stop for a moment…
Conservative: I mean, that was a long time ago…
Liberal: Listen, listen…
Conservative: I don’t see Michael Moore making any movies about cocaine in Washington State, do you?
Liberal: Please, STOP!
(pause)
Liberal: Look, I’m just trying to make a simple point here…
Conservative: What about…
Liberal: STOP!!!
(long pause)
Liberal: I’m just trying to make a SIMPLE point here. It’s not a big deal ¬ it’s just a fact. The USA has fifty states. That’s all! Yes, Puerto Rico is a commonwealth, but it isn’t counted among the fifty states. Yes, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania are commonwealths too. So are Virginia and, I think, Kentucky. I don’t know about Kentucky for sure, and you know what ¬ it doesn’t matter! They’re considered states, OK? They’re states. Washington D.C. isn’t one, even though I wish it was. Guam isn’t one. There are only fifty. Fifty states. Fifty stars on the flag ¬ fifty states. That’s all. Fifty.
(long pause)
Conservative: Rush is so right about you people.
Liberal: Huh?
Conservative: Rush. He gets it. You people are the worst.
Liberal: I don’t…
Conservative: Here I am, trying to have an honest political discussion, and all you can do is bring up this liberal claptrap! You call people like Rush racists, but you don’t want to count Mexicans as Americans. You insult the Governor of California every chance you get. You get all your information from encyclopedias and Michael Moore. You want free cocaine in Washington, and you want Seattle to become a commonwealth, and you won’t pay me my fifty dollars even after I proved that blacks run Guam! And then, worst of all, you insult our flag and our troops!!! You disgust me!
Liberal: Good-bye.
Conservative: See, there you liberals go again! Sneaking off to download porn from Kentucky! I’m not forgetting you owe me 100 dollars!
(pause)
Conservative: That’s it, cut and run!
(long pause)
Conservative: Why do you hate America?
That was good Lesly. Are you tape recording my private conversations?? Cuz that could be considered wire tapping!!
Here's a funny satire piece: Rove Secretly Runs The New York Times
Here's a funny satire piece: Rove Secretly Runs The New York Times
Thanks to Ed Naha at Smirking Chimp for finding out what really went on at G8. 
Thanks to covert international sources and the voices in my head, I've been able to piece together the ENTIRE conversation that was picked up by the open mic. It's truly inspiring. (NOTE: a lot of this is verbatim from the open feed.) Enjoy.
Bush: (gnawing on a roll) Yo! Pooti-Poot. Wassup?
Putin: (under his breath) Not your IQ, alas.
Bush: Great grub. Ya gonna eat your roll?
Putin: Did you know I have the ability to kill a man using only my pinkies?
Bush: No [expletive deleted]. Are you a ninja?
Putin: I'm KGB.
Bush: You be cagey all right.
Putin: Russians are not ninjas. Ninjas are Japanese.
Bush: (turning to Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi) Hey, Elvis! Tora! Tora! Tora! You a ninja?
Koizumi: (grimacing) If only.
Bush: Gonna eat that roll?
Koizumi: (staring at Bush's open mouth) No. Suddenly I'm not hungry.
(Bush sees Germany's Angela Merkel sit down. He runs up to her.)
Bush: Hey, Angelareenaroo, want a neck rub?
Merkel: No, thank you.
Bush: A foot massage?
Merkel: No, thank you.
Bush: (sticking a finger in his mouth) How about a 'Wet Willy?'
Merkel: (as Bush grabs her wrist) NO! Ow! What are you doing?
Bush: We call this an Indian rope burn. Aheh-heh.
Merkel: (wresting free of Bush) Dumkoff!
Bush: You gonna eat that roll?
Merkel: Take it and go away.
Bush: (taking his seat and addressing Italy's Romano Prodi while chewing) Howzit hangin', Prodiman? How does it feel to live in a boot? People put their stinky feet in boots.
Prodi: Didn't your mother ever tell you not to chew with your mouth full?
Bush: Nope. She gave up after telling me not to blow up frogs. Gonna eat your roll?
Prodi: No. Idiota.
Presidential Aide: (walking up to Bush) Will you be making prepared closing remarks, Mr. President?
Bush: (chewing) Gnarph gomma madupluff.
Presidential Aide: Didn't quite catch that, sir. (A wad of roll is spat onto his forehead. He doesn't react.)
Bush: No. Just gonna make it up. Extraneous-like. I'm not going to talk too damn long like the rest of them. Some of these guys talk too long. Katrina had less wind than these guys.
(The Aide walks off, wiping his forehead clean.)
Bush: (turning to G8 guest President Hu Jintao of China) Gotta go home. Got something to do tonight. Go to the airport, get on the airplane and go home. How about you? Where are you going? Home? You go-eee home-eee?
Jintao: Yes. Stop drooling on my rolls.
Bush: This is your neighborhood. It doesn't take you long to get home. How long does it take you to get home?
Jintao: Eight hours.
Bush: Eight hours? Me too. Russia's a big country and you're a big country.
Jintao: Do I look like a friggin' country to you? Keep your mitts off my rolls.
Bush: (trying to grab one of Jintao's rolls but getting his hand swatted back, turns to Putin) It takes him eight hours to fly home.
Putin: Fascinating. You are a master of small talk.
(A waiter places a drink before Bush.)
Bush: No, Diet Coke. Diet Coke.
Waiter: No Coke. Just Pepsi.
Bush: Alright, alright. Diet Pepsi. (muttering) Commie heathen.
Bush: (to Putin) It takes him eight hours to fly home. Eight hours. Russia's big and so is China.
Putin: You really know your geography.
Bush: Damn straight.
(British Prime Minister Tony Blair approaches.)
Bush: Yo! Blair, what are you doing? You leaving?
Blair: No, no, no, not yet.
(Blair, standing over Bush as the president eats, tries to engage him on the stalled global trade negotiations.)
Blair: On this trade thing . . .
Bush: They can go screw.
Blair: I don't think that's the appropriate reaction, Master George. Perhaps you can make a hopeful statement?
Bush: (softening at being called "Master") If you want me to. I just want some movement. Yesterday, I didn't see much movement. The desire's to move.
Blair: No, no there's not. It may be that it's impossible.
Bush: I'll be glad to say it. Who's introducing me?
Blair: Angela.
Bush: (licking his lips) Tell her to call on me. Tell her to put me on the spot.
(Bush then changes the subject, presumably to a gift Blair must have given him for his recent 60th birthday.)
Bush: Thanks for the sweater. Awfully thoughtful of you. I know you picked it out yourself, poodle-boy.
Blair: Oh, absolutely.
(Both of them laugh. Then Bush turns serious, asking Blair about comments apparently made about the Middle East crisis by U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, another guest at the summit.)
Bush: What about Kofi? That seems odd. I don't like the sequence of it. His attitude is basically cease-fire and (then) everything else happens. You know what I'm saying?
Blair: Yeah. No, I think -- the thing that's really difficult is we can't stop this unless you get this international presence agreed. Now, I know what you guys have talked about but it's the same thing.
Bush: (putting his hands up to his ears while chewing on a roll) Mmmmph, baflooie, nyah, nyah. I can't hear you.
Blair: I assume you'll be sending Condi to the scene immediately?
Bush: Did you know she was a classical pianoer? My sources say she doesn't have to go right away. I have the intel.
Blair: I don't see how reliable that is. But you need that done quickly.
Bush : Yeah, she's going. I think Condi's going to go pretty soon. A week. A year. I'm thinking about it. Did you eat your rolls?
Blair: Right. Well, that's, that's, that's all that matters. If you -- see, it'll take some time to get out there. But at least it gives people a --
Bush: A process, I agree. I told her your offer, too.
Blair: Well, it's only if it's -- I mean, you know, if she's gotta -- or if she needs the ground prepared, as it were. Obviously, if she goes out, she's got to succeed, as it were, whereas I can just go out and talk.
Bush: See, the irony is what they (Kofi and the UN) need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this [expletive deleted], and it's over.
Blair: Who, Syria?
Bush: Right.
Blair: I think this is all part of the same thing. What does he think?
Bush: He (Kofi) thinks if Lebanon turns out fine, if we get a solution in Israel and Palestine, Iraq goes in the right way, he's hunky-dory with it all. I mean, I told him that Democracy is on the march, freedom's spreading like a cancer and all the countries in the Middle East will soon be swapping spit like a coupla homos.
(Blair's jaw drops open and a wad of half-eaten roll lands on his nose.)
Bush: That's what this whole thing's about. It's the same with Iran.
Blair: How did Kofi react?
Bush: He replied in a foreign tongue. But I think I convinced him. He was so excited he was shouting. Then, he ran off. Probably to get the UN on the horn.
Blair: No doubt.
Bush: I felt like telling Kofi to get on the phone with Assad and make something happen. We're not blaming Israel. We're not blaming the Lebanese government.
(At this point, Blair notices the microphone.)
Blair: Master George! I believe your mic is on.
Bush: (laughing and leaning into the microphone) Aheh-heh. Yeah, right. Where do you think we are? America? (in dumb voice) Calling all cars! Calling all cars! The President of the Yoo-nited States has run out of rolls. Get rolls to table. 10-4! Stat!
(Blair sighs as a waiter brings Bush a bowl of soup. Bush digs in. He grimaces.)
Bush: Hey! My soup's cold!
Putin: It's borscht.
Bush: I'll say it's horse[expletive deleted]. No Coke and cold soup to boot.
(Standing up, ala Bluto Blutarsky in "Animal House," he yells.)
Bush: Fooooood fight!
(At that point, all video and audio recordings cease and the dawn of a new era of dignified American diplomacy begins. D'oh!)
Thanks to covert international sources and the voices in my head, I've been able to piece together the ENTIRE conversation that was picked up by the open mic. It's truly inspiring. (NOTE: a lot of this is verbatim from the open feed.) Enjoy.
Bush: (gnawing on a roll) Yo! Pooti-Poot. Wassup?
Putin: (under his breath) Not your IQ, alas.
Bush: Great grub. Ya gonna eat your roll?
Putin: Did you know I have the ability to kill a man using only my pinkies?
Bush: No [expletive deleted]. Are you a ninja?
Putin: I'm KGB.
Bush: You be cagey all right.
Putin: Russians are not ninjas. Ninjas are Japanese.
Bush: (turning to Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi) Hey, Elvis! Tora! Tora! Tora! You a ninja?
Koizumi: (grimacing) If only.
Bush: Gonna eat that roll?
Koizumi: (staring at Bush's open mouth) No. Suddenly I'm not hungry.
(Bush sees Germany's Angela Merkel sit down. He runs up to her.)
Bush: Hey, Angelareenaroo, want a neck rub?
Merkel: No, thank you.
Bush: A foot massage?
Merkel: No, thank you.
Bush: (sticking a finger in his mouth) How about a 'Wet Willy?'
Merkel: (as Bush grabs her wrist) NO! Ow! What are you doing?
Bush: We call this an Indian rope burn. Aheh-heh.
Merkel: (wresting free of Bush) Dumkoff!
Bush: You gonna eat that roll?
Merkel: Take it and go away.
Bush: (taking his seat and addressing Italy's Romano Prodi while chewing) Howzit hangin', Prodiman? How does it feel to live in a boot? People put their stinky feet in boots.
Prodi: Didn't your mother ever tell you not to chew with your mouth full?
Bush: Nope. She gave up after telling me not to blow up frogs. Gonna eat your roll?
Prodi: No. Idiota.
Presidential Aide: (walking up to Bush) Will you be making prepared closing remarks, Mr. President?
Bush: (chewing) Gnarph gomma madupluff.
Presidential Aide: Didn't quite catch that, sir. (A wad of roll is spat onto his forehead. He doesn't react.)
Bush: No. Just gonna make it up. Extraneous-like. I'm not going to talk too damn long like the rest of them. Some of these guys talk too long. Katrina had less wind than these guys.
(The Aide walks off, wiping his forehead clean.)
Bush: (turning to G8 guest President Hu Jintao of China) Gotta go home. Got something to do tonight. Go to the airport, get on the airplane and go home. How about you? Where are you going? Home? You go-eee home-eee?
Jintao: Yes. Stop drooling on my rolls.
Bush: This is your neighborhood. It doesn't take you long to get home. How long does it take you to get home?
Jintao: Eight hours.
Bush: Eight hours? Me too. Russia's a big country and you're a big country.
Jintao: Do I look like a friggin' country to you? Keep your mitts off my rolls.
Bush: (trying to grab one of Jintao's rolls but getting his hand swatted back, turns to Putin) It takes him eight hours to fly home.
Putin: Fascinating. You are a master of small talk.
(A waiter places a drink before Bush.)
Bush: No, Diet Coke. Diet Coke.
Waiter: No Coke. Just Pepsi.
Bush: Alright, alright. Diet Pepsi. (muttering) Commie heathen.
Bush: (to Putin) It takes him eight hours to fly home. Eight hours. Russia's big and so is China.
Putin: You really know your geography.
Bush: Damn straight.
(British Prime Minister Tony Blair approaches.)
Bush: Yo! Blair, what are you doing? You leaving?
Blair: No, no, no, not yet.
(Blair, standing over Bush as the president eats, tries to engage him on the stalled global trade negotiations.)
Blair: On this trade thing . . .
Bush: They can go screw.
Blair: I don't think that's the appropriate reaction, Master George. Perhaps you can make a hopeful statement?
Bush: (softening at being called "Master") If you want me to. I just want some movement. Yesterday, I didn't see much movement. The desire's to move.
Blair: No, no there's not. It may be that it's impossible.
Bush: I'll be glad to say it. Who's introducing me?
Blair: Angela.
Bush: (licking his lips) Tell her to call on me. Tell her to put me on the spot.
(Bush then changes the subject, presumably to a gift Blair must have given him for his recent 60th birthday.)
Bush: Thanks for the sweater. Awfully thoughtful of you. I know you picked it out yourself, poodle-boy.
Blair: Oh, absolutely.
(Both of them laugh. Then Bush turns serious, asking Blair about comments apparently made about the Middle East crisis by U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, another guest at the summit.)
Bush: What about Kofi? That seems odd. I don't like the sequence of it. His attitude is basically cease-fire and (then) everything else happens. You know what I'm saying?
Blair: Yeah. No, I think -- the thing that's really difficult is we can't stop this unless you get this international presence agreed. Now, I know what you guys have talked about but it's the same thing.
Bush: (putting his hands up to his ears while chewing on a roll) Mmmmph, baflooie, nyah, nyah. I can't hear you.
Blair: I assume you'll be sending Condi to the scene immediately?
Bush: Did you know she was a classical pianoer? My sources say she doesn't have to go right away. I have the intel.
Blair: I don't see how reliable that is. But you need that done quickly.
Bush : Yeah, she's going. I think Condi's going to go pretty soon. A week. A year. I'm thinking about it. Did you eat your rolls?
Blair: Right. Well, that's, that's, that's all that matters. If you -- see, it'll take some time to get out there. But at least it gives people a --
Bush: A process, I agree. I told her your offer, too.
Blair: Well, it's only if it's -- I mean, you know, if she's gotta -- or if she needs the ground prepared, as it were. Obviously, if she goes out, she's got to succeed, as it were, whereas I can just go out and talk.
Bush: See, the irony is what they (Kofi and the UN) need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this [expletive deleted], and it's over.
Blair: Who, Syria?
Bush: Right.
Blair: I think this is all part of the same thing. What does he think?
Bush: He (Kofi) thinks if Lebanon turns out fine, if we get a solution in Israel and Palestine, Iraq goes in the right way, he's hunky-dory with it all. I mean, I told him that Democracy is on the march, freedom's spreading like a cancer and all the countries in the Middle East will soon be swapping spit like a coupla homos.
(Blair's jaw drops open and a wad of half-eaten roll lands on his nose.)
Bush: That's what this whole thing's about. It's the same with Iran.
Blair: How did Kofi react?
Bush: He replied in a foreign tongue. But I think I convinced him. He was so excited he was shouting. Then, he ran off. Probably to get the UN on the horn.
Blair: No doubt.
Bush: I felt like telling Kofi to get on the phone with Assad and make something happen. We're not blaming Israel. We're not blaming the Lebanese government.
(At this point, Blair notices the microphone.)
Blair: Master George! I believe your mic is on.
Bush: (laughing and leaning into the microphone) Aheh-heh. Yeah, right. Where do you think we are? America? (in dumb voice) Calling all cars! Calling all cars! The President of the Yoo-nited States has run out of rolls. Get rolls to table. 10-4! Stat!
(Blair sighs as a waiter brings Bush a bowl of soup. Bush digs in. He grimaces.)
Bush: Hey! My soup's cold!
Putin: It's borscht.
Bush: I'll say it's horse[expletive deleted]. No Coke and cold soup to boot.
(Standing up, ala Bluto Blutarsky in "Animal House," he yells.)
Bush: Fooooood fight!
(At that point, all video and audio recordings cease and the dawn of a new era of dignified American diplomacy begins. D'oh!)
This isn't exactly a joke, but it did become political...it went up and up the chain of command and might be sitting on Rumsfeld's desk now. Wouldn't you love to send this sort of message to your boss? I won't disclose the location of names, because it really did make a stink...
A string of e mail bombarded the fighter squadrons along with the rest of the base, originating from the Wing Commander (well, his desk clerk), requesting them to send a volunteer for the dunking booth fundraiser. Again and again the request was ignored, so they started receiving more e mails from around the base. Finally a German exchange pilot could take it no more and sent back this:
I'll add this one. It's old, but I don't think we've used here yet:
Q: What's George Bush's position on Roe versus Wade?
A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.
Wouldn't you love to send this sort of message to your boss? I won't disclose the location of names, because it really did make a stink...A string of e mail bombarded the fighter squadrons along with the rest of the base, originating from the Wing Commander (well, his desk clerk), requesting them to send a volunteer for the dunking booth fundraiser. Again and again the request was ignored, so they started receiving more e mails from around the base. Finally a German exchange pilot could take it no more and sent back this:
QUOTE
To all button clickers -
While I quietly muse over the banter and convivial chit chat as to who we want to dunk a few days from now, I think I am well represented when I answer the repeated question posed in said endless E-mail traffic that the reason the fighter squadrons have yet to nominate one of their own, is that we simply and actually have work to do! I close in the warm and fuzzy feeling that I have identified at least 4 more valued entries into my auto delete list.
Happy dunking.
While I quietly muse over the banter and convivial chit chat as to who we want to dunk a few days from now, I think I am well represented when I answer the repeated question posed in said endless E-mail traffic that the reason the fighter squadrons have yet to nominate one of their own, is that we simply and actually have work to do! I close in the warm and fuzzy feeling that I have identified at least 4 more valued entries into my auto delete list.
Happy dunking.
I'll add this one. It's old, but I don't think we've used here yet:
Q: What's George Bush's position on Roe versus Wade?
A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.
Lebanese TV satire of Hizbullah
hope no one minds subtitles
Edited to add:
Sorry i forgot to add this link to show how much this little joke cost the ones who made it...
Riots over TV satire burn Lebanon’s reputation
hope no one minds subtitles
Edited to add:
Sorry i forgot to add this link to show how much this little joke cost the ones who made it...
Riots over TV satire burn Lebanon’s reputation
Not really a joke... But I thought this picture just dripped with Irony since this demonstration was coming from an area with the freedom to express ones views.
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