Two herpetologists were commenting on their friends the snakes.

One said "There are only four poisonous snakes that will attack a man without provocation, the King Cobra, the Black Mamba, the Fer de Lance and the Bushmaster."

The other asked "Will the last one really do the job?"

Let's not forget that even if the Democrat decided to use the gun he would have to remove the trigger lock, as well as go home and get the ammunition from its seperate locked storage place.

What's the second most distorted misquote, or typo, on govt "officials"?

King Georgie "THE LAST", was hosting a wild party of confirmed Neo-Conservatives.

He asked them: "Will all you dedicated Americans please join me to play spin the bottle?"

It should have said: "Will all you dedicated Americans please join me to play spin the battle?"

So, Dennis Kucinich has filed Articles of Impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney.

Cheney hasn't taken it personally, though. Heck, I understand that he even invited Kucinich to go hunting with him....

Pentagon Film Fest. You need sound.

Classic Python on the rules of argumentation:

I did so; No you did not

What's the only relieable qualification for an "honest and honorable elected politition" to be in office? He/She/It refuses to be either a "politician" or to pursue an "elected office"!!

Egads! A blog dedicated to deciphering Sunday morning political talk show doublespeak with dewd speek: The Bobblespeak Translations

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/im...shlovestory.htm

Olle Johansson Cartoon

How do you really SUPPORT OUR TROOPS?

You court martial their COMMANDER IN CHIEF!

LOL President

I thought this was pretty funny. Last night I was at a squadron function and they were discussing events for next month. Mr P was the primary speaker. There is a British pilot in the squadron, so there's often lots of good-natured ribbing.
My husband addressed the crowd and said, for his particular benefit, "As we all know, we'll take the fourth of July off. It's important to celebrate the victory over the British, whereby we gained our independence."
Without missing a beat, the Brit piped in, "Shall we take the third off as well?"
My husband asked, "What's the third?"
"That's strategic withdrawl day."

My country, my culture, our lives and the economy, they are all:

It's half- fast, half-vast and half-
"burro"ed!

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road. One evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."!

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it!"

Dick Cheney is so secretive, squirrels and magpies worship him as a god.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he's [SUBMISSION DELETED]

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he could tell you what's in the Constitution, but then he'd have to kill you.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, that the Devil himself will not reveal the location reserved for him in hell.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he'd blend in in the real world if he ever visited.

Dick Cheney is so secretive his momma's school picture had to be taken via spy satellite.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, shadows can lurk inside him.

Dick Cheney is so secretive his left hand doesn't know what his right hand is doing.

[redacted] is so [redacted] he keeps his [reacted] in YOUR secret [redacted]

Dick Cheney is so secretive that when he dies his body will be held for 25 years before being released by the National Archives.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he makes ninja masters look like a Fire Island Gay Pride parade.

Dick Cheney is secretive that the NSA uses his sweat to encrypt the launch codes.

Dick Cheney is so secretive... Go #$@% yourself!

From Sadly, No! blog.

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over." Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."

I was just watching Bill and Hillary Clinton's Soprano parody thinking, wait, didn't Hillary vote for the war in Iraq?
Darn, now one million dead Iraqis will never know what a Soprano's parody is.

I was just watching "I have a crush...on Obama" video thinking, I wonder if anyone has a crush on Hillary?
Probably those guys at FOX news because they always get so emotional about her.

You can always rely on the good old Onion for a satiric story that almost sounds like the truth.

Half Of Nation Outraged At New, Not-Yet-Released Michael Moore Film

Check out Lewis Black on The Daily Show, June 27th.

You know how to get there.

If not, get off the Internet -- now! You've obviously stumbled into something far over your head.

Air Force Mechanic Saves Life of Air Force Fighter Pilot During
Horse-Back
Riding Mishap

Phoenix , AZ , May 25, 2007

An Air Force Fighter Pilot with the 309th Fighter Squadron narrowly
escaped serious injury recently when he attempted horseback riding with no prior
experience. He mounted the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately
began moving. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the
pilot began to slip sideways from the saddle. Although attempting to grab for
the horse's mane he could not get a firm grip. He then threw his arms around
the horse's neck but continued to slide down the side of the horse.

The horse galloped along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, losing his grip, the Captain attempted to leap away from the
horse and throw himself to safety. His foot became entangled in the stirrup,
and he was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper
body repeatedly struck the ground.

Moments away from unconsciousness and being trampled or beaten to death,
to his great fortune an Air Force Mechanic shopping at Wal-Mart saw him and
quickly unplugged the horse.

A bt dated now, but still....

President Clinton of the USA

...is an amagram of

To copulate he finds interns

The newer one...

Hillary Rodham Clinton

...is an anagram of

I am chilly old rant-horn.

Somethin I made today. I couldn't help myself and nearly died laughing when I heard about Chertoff's gut feeling.

Boy have I got a political joke for you!!

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"

God continued pointing to different countries. "This land will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

That get's my vote for best joke of the year!

I had to show it to EVERYONE at work!

I second this as most excellent! I will be downloading this and putting on my laptop for the trip home from LAX on Monday night. I hope I have a middle seat so I can scare two people at once!

Get Fuzzy does the math.

Here's an oldie but goodie:

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/im...bushvsjesus.htm

“DEFENSE BULLYING REPORT - Air Force Worst of the Three Services

A recent report by experts has found that allegations of “a culture of widespread bullying and brutality” within the Military are, in the most part, unfounded. The audit team, which traveled to every Defense establishment across the country and abroad and interviewed staff from all three services, found surprisingly few cases of unfair treatment and bullying within the Army and Navy.

When it came to the Air Force, however, the report told a different story. Complaints to the team came from a total of 3,555 Air Force members, compared with three from Navy and just one from Army.

While this statistic is alarming in its own right, it becomes horrific when one considers that each complaint represents a sad story of abuse, mistreatment and neglect. As one senior Air Force officer put it, “Each story is, in itself, a sad indictment on the Military. When taken as a whole, however, they demonstrate a reprehensible lack of regard for personnel on the part of managers at all levels.”

One young pilot told of having to spend two nights in tented accommodation, despite the fact that there was an empty five-star hotel just 1 kilometer away.

Another said that he had been forced to endure a grueling fitness test every year since he joined in 1997.

One airman alleged that she had been overlooked for promotion on numerous occasions, simply because she was fat, lazy and stupid.

An airman stated he had been refused permission to wear civilian attire to work, despite the fact that his uniform clashed with his eye color.

Another had been forced to wear uncomfortable safety boots for periods of up to eight hours straight.

A clerk could not understand why she had been sent to work in a Joint military headquarters, “I have been forced to work for horrid Army and Navy people who just don’t understand what the military is all about. I feel the Air Force has victimized me by forcing me to do this…I will be seeking compensation…”

Shockingly, Air Force senior ranks are also subject to mistreatment.

One SNCO stated, “I was deeply upset when I was addressed as ‘Sergeant’ by an officer. He knew my name was Robert. It was just horrible - I have never been more humiliated in my life.” In response a senior officer stated, “the officer in question has been moved on…”

A number of personnel complained of having to attend courses that were not relevant to their jobs, such as rigorous ground combat courses and drawn-out lectures on occupational health and safety. To add insult to injury, a young A1C was even ordered to pack up chairs in the classroom after one such course.

The huge backlash against treatment of Air Force personnel should provide senior officers with a vital clue with regard to the massive retention problems experienced by the military in recent times. Over the past two years, the Military has spent millions looking into the issue.

Not all of the Air Force’s hierarchy, however, were upset by the revelations. Said the outgoing Chief of Staff, ‘I’m delighted with the result, I am very happy that our retention problems are due, in the most part at least, to something as harmless as bullying. I thought everyone was leaving because of me.’

This is for all the old hippies out there (caution-caustic stuff for right-wingers):

Everybody Must Get . . .

Day of the Living Press Conference

We care, therefore we spy.

A Bear vs. Bull Market

From a Fort Worth Star Telegram cartoonist:

http://www.star-telegram.com/224/story/201825.html

New dog toy.

When Does Tax Write-off Begin?

I am man enough and tough enough to be the president!

Apparently Esquire Magazine agrees with Ann Coulter regarding John Edwards. Catch the cover of their August issue.


Aquilla

James Carville and the Democratic Senate Campaign Committee have officially admitted the party has run out of ideas , and desperately need YOUR help, even coming up with a campaign slogan. Carville usually accuses the Republicrats of "bumper sticker politics", so he should have known he could rely on them to answer the call. They even offered to help with slogans for the Presidential campaign. How generous. Here are a few of the repeatable ones that made me chuckle, as memory serves:
Any "helpful" ideas for the Republicrats, to return the "favor"?

Another Rove Cartoon

http://cagle.com/news/RoveResigns/main.asp

I'll give it a shot.

The last time we listened to a Bush, we wandered in the desert for 40 years.
Too informed to vote Republican
America was neo-conned
Mind your own bedroom!
Get dead with Fred!
Get your Mitts off my Constitution
Keep fat cats fat – vote Republican
No corporation left behind – vote Republican
This country needs a GOPectomy
Give blood – vote Republican
People die when Republicans lie
Vote Republican – it’s never too late to return to the Dark Ages!
Rudy Giuliani – Exploiting 9/11 since 9/12
Republicant balance a budget
Republicant follow the law
Republicant win a war

Regarding Larry Craig:

Some good ones from Leno and others:

"What a nightmare I had last night. I dreamed I was at a Washington party and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home." --Jay Leno

"Tabloids are reporting that Sen. Ted Kennedy has an illegitimate 21 year-old son. Apparently, Kennedy isn't denying the report, but the kid is." --Conan O'Brien

"Ted Kennedy got pretty contentious. After he pointed out that Samuel Alito once belonged to a club that didn’t allow women, it was discovered that Senator
Kennedy also once belonged to a club that wouldn’t allow women. Of course, with Kennedy those were club rules in place purely for the safety of women." --Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.

I just received this in e-mail.

Karma is a cruel witch....

After mocking President Bush for falling off a Segway running the headline, "You'd have to be an idiot to fall off, wouldn't you Mr President?" Newly crowned idiot Piers Morgan falls off a Segway and breaks three ribs.

Watch him take the dive on video!

Embarrassed Florida legislators today blamed a typographical error for moving the state's 2008 presidential primary to January 2007, but said they'd keep the new schedule. Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean said Florida's delegates would not be allowed a vote in the convention. "I don't even know how they'd choose the delegates," Dean told reporters. "The vote was scheduled for eight months in the past. It's crazy."

Florida Democrats vowed to fight the DNC's decision and keep their first-in-the-nation primary date, but Michigan lawmakers are considering moving their primary to late 2006.

Since I can't find the 'jokes that write themselves' topic, here is a New York Times headline. I wonder if the headline-writer was an intern.

Bill Clinton’s challenge: Keep focus on his wife