Full Version: The new political joke thread
17 Ways To Be A Good Liberal
I don't know who wrote this, but it looked good.
1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are more of a threat than nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Iran or Chinese and North Korean communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV'S.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but PETA activists do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
12. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
13. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, or Abraham Lincoln.
14. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
15. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
16. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
17. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.
18 WAYS TO BE A GOOD CONSERVATIVE
1. You have to be against abortion for anyone for any reason but believe that the death penalty will deter a fellow conservative from killing a doctor that performs abortion.
2. You have to believe that business will police itself, always treat employees well, will never pollute, commit fraud or cheat investors.
3. You have to believe that U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the
hands of Iran, China and North Korean communists are less of a threat than an ample supply of high powered weapons and armor piercing bullets for anyone that attends a gun show and can cough up $100, whether or not they are a convicted felon.
4. You have to believe that all art is unworthy of federal funding, unless you like it, then give them what they need.
5. You have to believe that even though January was the warmest on record, the fact that there was a snowstorm in New York proves Global warming doesn’t exist so we shouldn’t do anything about it ever.
6. You have to believe that being gay is a choice and that the decline of society started when we gave women the right to vote and work outside the house.
7. You have to believe that people will not have sex if the government tells them not to, thereby stemming the spread of AIDS and all other STD’s.
8. You have to believe that the highest rates of teenage pregnancies occur in states that teach abstinence only because the teacher is a liberal.
9. You have to believe that PETA represents all of the left, just like clear cutting an entire old growth forest is the dream of the entire right.
10. You have to believe that being right by listening to and agreeing with an obese drug addicted radio host with erectile dysfunction is more important than actually learning and developing your own opinion.
11. You have to believe the NRA is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
12. You have to believe the ACLU is bad because it supports the entire Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too high, but school funding is too low, and lowering taxes is the best way to get the schools more money.
14. You have to believe that Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.
15. You have to believe that standardized testing is good but ensuring everyone has an opportunity to learn is bad.
16. You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried. Canada, Norway, Finland, Germany and France will fall any day now.
17. You have to believe that gay pride parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should not be constitutionally protected, and government sanctioned religion should be legal, as long as the religion is Christianity, not one of those cults, like Hindu, Muslim or Buddhists.
18. You have to believe that this message is a part of the liberal media and teachers union agenda.
GOD BLESS AMERICA (unless its not OUR God, then screw em, this is a Christian nation)
I don't know who wrote this, but it looked good.
1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are more of a threat than nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Iran or Chinese and North Korean communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV'S.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but PETA activists do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
12. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
13. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, or Abraham Lincoln.
14. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
15. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
16. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
17. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.
18 WAYS TO BE A GOOD CONSERVATIVE
1. You have to be against abortion for anyone for any reason but believe that the death penalty will deter a fellow conservative from killing a doctor that performs abortion.
2. You have to believe that business will police itself, always treat employees well, will never pollute, commit fraud or cheat investors.
3. You have to believe that U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the
hands of Iran, China and North Korean communists are less of a threat than an ample supply of high powered weapons and armor piercing bullets for anyone that attends a gun show and can cough up $100, whether or not they are a convicted felon.
4. You have to believe that all art is unworthy of federal funding, unless you like it, then give them what they need.
5. You have to believe that even though January was the warmest on record, the fact that there was a snowstorm in New York proves Global warming doesn’t exist so we shouldn’t do anything about it ever.
6. You have to believe that being gay is a choice and that the decline of society started when we gave women the right to vote and work outside the house.
7. You have to believe that people will not have sex if the government tells them not to, thereby stemming the spread of AIDS and all other STD’s.
8. You have to believe that the highest rates of teenage pregnancies occur in states that teach abstinence only because the teacher is a liberal.
9. You have to believe that PETA represents all of the left, just like clear cutting an entire old growth forest is the dream of the entire right.
10. You have to believe that being right by listening to and agreeing with an obese drug addicted radio host with erectile dysfunction is more important than actually learning and developing your own opinion.
11. You have to believe the NRA is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
12. You have to believe the ACLU is bad because it supports the entire Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too high, but school funding is too low, and lowering taxes is the best way to get the schools more money.
14. You have to believe that Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.
15. You have to believe that standardized testing is good but ensuring everyone has an opportunity to learn is bad.
16. You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried. Canada, Norway, Finland, Germany and France will fall any day now.
17. You have to believe that gay pride parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should not be constitutionally protected, and government sanctioned religion should be legal, as long as the religion is Christianity, not one of those cults, like Hindu, Muslim or Buddhists.
18. You have to believe that this message is a part of the liberal media and teachers union agenda.
GOD BLESS AMERICA (unless its not OUR God, then screw em, this is a Christian nation)
Today's bit by Fort Worth Star Telegram cartoonist, Etta Hulme, is dedicated to my long time board friend Aquilla. Despite his support for Fred Thompson, I know he will take this in the spirit of fun in which it is offered. 
I'm With
I'm With
QUOTE(Eeyore @ Sep 20 2007, 07:20 PM) 
This one has bothered me for a bit. GWB is a not much of a speaker, this is known and well documented. People complain about his plain-speak and lack of nuance. Yet here, Bush actually says something well said and nuanced and everyone jumps on him for it. You had to know who Mandela was and what he did to "get this" statement from Bush. I don't see this one as a gaffe. I mean, this guy has butchered plenty of phrases in his public time - he's got a lot of Bushisms left in him I'm sure.
QUOTE(BaphometsAdvocate @ Sep 28 2007, 03:44 PM)
QUOTE(Eeyore @ Sep 20 2007, 07:20 PM)
This one has bothered me for a bit. GWB is a not much of a speaker, this is known and well documented. People complain about his plain-speak and lack of nuance. Yet here, Bush actually says something well said and nuanced and everyone jumps on him for it. You had to know who Mandela was and what he did to "get this" statement from Bush. I don't see this one as a gaffe. I mean, this guy has butchered plenty of phrases in his public time - he's got a lot of Bushisms left in him I'm sure.
Pray tell, what is GWB saying,
That a living person is dead?
English sense takes a belaying,
Put this metaphor to bed.
Don't let him speak off the Script!
Rove rule number one.
Alas the mouthman has shipped,
This pearl cannot be undone.
A couple of good ones from the late nigh folks – I rarely stay up to watch!
"Yesterday at Columbia University, it was 'Take Your Insane Dictator To Work Day.' There was a lot of controversy about letting the Iranian president speak here in the United States, much less at a university. I have to admit, I didn't like it. ... I mean, if he wants to condemn this country and our president, you do it the proper way ... you win an Academy Award." --Jay Leno
"How about that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? What a guy this guy is, huh? According to this guy, he says there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theatre." --David Letterman
"The Democrat-controlled Congress' approval rating is now somewhere between rectal itch and that ##$%^ on the Internet who says 'Leave Britney alone.' ... Their approval ratings is 11%. 11%! They were so stunned at this number, the Democrats, that it sent a chill up and down where their spine used to be." --Bill Maher
"Yesterday at Columbia University, it was 'Take Your Insane Dictator To Work Day.' There was a lot of controversy about letting the Iranian president speak here in the United States, much less at a university. I have to admit, I didn't like it. ... I mean, if he wants to condemn this country and our president, you do it the proper way ... you win an Academy Award." --Jay Leno
"How about that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? What a guy this guy is, huh? According to this guy, he says there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theatre." --David Letterman
"The Democrat-controlled Congress' approval rating is now somewhere between rectal itch and that ##$%^ on the Internet who says 'Leave Britney alone.' ... Their approval ratings is 11%. 11%! They were so stunned at this number, the Democrats, that it sent a chill up and down where their spine used to be." --Bill Maher
Here are some suggestions about how George W. Bush talents might better bey employed.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=_JxsxbjNEc8&...636&index=1
http://youtube.com/watch?v=_JxsxbjNEc8&...636&index=1
Oh, my God - this is hilarious: Ask Dana Perino. It's so funny because it's so true. In fact, I first saw a short excerpt from it and thought it was from a real White House briefing.
My favorite bits are the beginning:
and the end:
My favorite bits are the beginning:
QUOTE
Q: When President Bush says, "This government does not torture," isn't that true only because he got Alberto Gonzales to write a secret memo redefining the meaning of torture?
A: Yes. The Constitution grants the power to redefine words to the unitary executive.
Q: You're making that up. That's not in the Constitution.
A: Yes, it is. It's in a secret Article.
Q: But there's no such thing as a -
A: I see you're not wearing your flag lapel pin.
A: Yes. The Constitution grants the power to redefine words to the unitary executive.
Q: You're making that up. That's not in the Constitution.
A: Yes, it is. It's in a secret Article.
Q: But there's no such thing as a -
A: I see you're not wearing your flag lapel pin.
and the end:
QUOTE
Q: The Washington Post quotes a former senior official as saying that "nearly everyone who has left the administration is angry." Is that a fair assessment?
A: If you weren't so busy being Hezbollah's sock-puppet, Helen, you might see how ridiculous that charge is on the face of it. Lester?
Q: Dana, isn't the Democrats' attempt to tie the President's hands in Iraq a blatant interference with the powers of the Commander-in-Chief, not to mention a reminder of Senator Obama's inexperience, Senator Edwards' haircut, MoveOn.org's treason, and Chappaquiddick?
A: I'm glad you asked.
A: If you weren't so busy being Hezbollah's sock-puppet, Helen, you might see how ridiculous that charge is on the face of it. Lester?
Q: Dana, isn't the Democrats' attempt to tie the President's hands in Iraq a blatant interference with the powers of the Commander-in-Chief, not to mention a reminder of Senator Obama's inexperience, Senator Edwards' haircut, MoveOn.org's treason, and Chappaquiddick?
A: I'm glad you asked.
Not exactly political, but TRUE! For all the mothers out there:
Everything A Mother Says In One Day Condensed To Just Under Three Minutes
Everything A Mother Says In One Day Condensed To Just Under Three Minutes
Behold, the Religionizer!
"Everybody Loves Ahmadinejad" Rally & Fun Activities: a special report by The People's Cube
Bush on global warmings
I am sorry this first time I watched this I could not stop laughing. I don’t know also if someone has already posted it.
I am sorry this first time I watched this I could not stop laughing. I don’t know also if someone has already posted it.
Spineocrat: A dietary supplement for congressional Democrats.
The Long Johns satire on the sub prime market. Only real life can be that funny!
President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar with Condi Rice. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Is that President Bush and Condi Rice sitting at the end of the bar?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them!"
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?"
Bush turns to the Rice and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims."
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them!"
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?"
Bush turns to the Rice and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims."
QUOTE(Lesly @ Oct 24 2007, 12:17 PM)
This isn't how it happened? Then explain all those thickly muscled semi nude statues of the FFs fighting polar bears.
What to do in case of a terrorist attack, brought to you by the artists @ DHS.
This isn't how it happened? Then explain all those thickly muscled semi nude statues of the FFs fighting polar bears.
Who says that isn't how it happened? I saw it on YouTube, so it must be true!
QUOTE(BaphometsAdvocate @ Oct 24 2007, 12:55 PM)
QUOTE(Lesly @ Oct 24 2007, 12:17 PM)
This isn't how it happened? Then explain all those thickly muscled semi nude statues of the FFs fighting polar bears.
Who says that isn't how it happened? I saw it on YouTube, so it must be true!
I'm not sure when this first aired, but this had me rolling. Say what you want about Bush, but he's a good sport.
"Mr. President, tear down that wall!" I seriously scared my cats I laughed so hard at that. lol.
"Mr. President, tear down that wall!" I seriously scared my cats I laughed so hard at that. lol.
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish
man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray,
twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she
went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and
there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She
watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he
turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she
approached him for an interview.. "Pardon me Sir, I'm
Rebecca Smith from CNN, What's your name? "Maury
Fishbein" he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming
to the Wailing Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray
for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.
I pray for all the wars and hatred to stop, I pray for all our
children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to
love their fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this
for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a EDIT wall."
If Bush resigned today, this is what his speech would be.....
Image 1
Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans." Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners, including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to h! ave sun k in.
Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this "blood for oil" thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied; People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.
Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?
You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to out spend and out-tech them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the bastards are all over the globe.
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'
Image 2
Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
Image 3
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol.
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.
I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.
So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.
Image 4
Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.
So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, kiss off!
man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray,
twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she
went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and
there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She
watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he
turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she
approached him for an interview.. "Pardon me Sir, I'm
Rebecca Smith from CNN, What's your name? "Maury
Fishbein" he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming
to the Wailing Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray
for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.
I pray for all the wars and hatred to stop, I pray for all our
children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to
love their fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this
for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a EDIT wall."
If Bush resigned today, this is what his speech would be.....
Image 1
Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans." Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners, including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to h! ave sun k in.
Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this "blood for oil" thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied; People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.
Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?
You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to out spend and out-tech them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the bastards are all over the globe.
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'
Image 2
Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
Image 3
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol.
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.
I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.
So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.
Image 4
Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.
So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, kiss off!
Take a deep breath!
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery
store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind
him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember
ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she
figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you,
I thought you were the father of one of my children," and
walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What is the
world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep
track of who fathers her children!"
Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he
thought, but MAYBE..during one of the fraternity parties he
had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father
her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the
parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party
in college and then we had a little too much to drink and
spent the night together but I never called you again after-
ward?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your
son's Sunday School teacher."
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery
store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind
him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember
ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she
figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you,
I thought you were the father of one of my children," and
walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What is the
world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep
track of who fathers her children!"
Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he
thought, but MAYBE..during one of the fraternity parties he
had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father
her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the
parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party
in college and then we had a little too much to drink and
spent the night together but I never called you again after-
ward?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your
son's Sunday School teacher."
A politician finally gives a little back to a would-be spoof interview from Europe. Apparently, everyone has finally seen Ali G. (strong language warning, but worth it)
linky
linky
I love this spoof on Bush. Someone really can act that stupid.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7408504973132978571
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7408504973132978571
QUOTE(Sleeper @ Nov 8 2007, 03:30 PM)
I can't believe nobody has posted this yet...
That was painful to watch but I don't get it.
QUOTE(Sleeper @ Nov 8 2007, 12:30 PM)
I honestly wasn't expecting that on AD. Maybe the World of Warcraft forums or Craigslist's rants and raves section.
pwn3d
This Christmas, Washington D.C. is banning public displays of the Nativity scene. Not because they're against religion. They just can't find three wise men and a virgin.
-(An oldie but a goodie!)
-(An oldie but a goodie!)
The ANT And The GRASSHOPPER
OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
----------------
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
ABC, CBS, NBC, CNBC, MSNBC, PBS, CNN and CNNH show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: BE CAREFUL WHO YOU VOTE FOR.
This really isn't worth a thread all by itself, but it is funny and it is political.
A remarkable performance at the Guthrie Center, which is in Massachusetts. It's also a town in Iowa, and in my old digs of Minneapolis, there's the Guthrie Theater. The name seems to have stuck on some things.
Forty years after the fact, the story still has relevance. We were so young back then.
And now, a day before Thanksgiving, in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Seven, in the tradition that has grown around some old hillbilly's kid with a ge-tar, I present to you:
Alice's Restaurant
A remarkable performance at the Guthrie Center, which is in Massachusetts. It's also a town in Iowa, and in my old digs of Minneapolis, there's the Guthrie Theater. The name seems to have stuck on some things.
Forty years after the fact, the story still has relevance. We were so young back then.
And now, a day before Thanksgiving, in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Seven, in the tradition that has grown around some old hillbilly's kid with a ge-tar, I present to you:
Alice's Restaurant
Old man and the White House Marine
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to
the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with
President Hillary Clinton." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not
President and doesn't reside here."* The old man said, "Okay," and walked
away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton".* The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs.
Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."* The man thanked him
and again walked away . . ..
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Hillary Clinton."* The Marine, understandably agitated at this point,
looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have
been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several
times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here.
Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine; I just love hearing your
answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow"
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to
the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with
President Hillary Clinton." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not
President and doesn't reside here."* The old man said, "Okay," and walked
away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton".* The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs.
Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."* The man thanked him
and again walked away . . ..
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Hillary Clinton."* The Marine, understandably agitated at this point,
looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have
been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several
times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here.
Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine; I just love hearing your
answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow"
Joe Scarborough: Is George W. Bush Intellectually Curious?
http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic...v%3DwhhbPVrb5KM
You may have seen some of these clips before.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic...v%3DwhhbPVrb5KM
You may have seen some of these clips before.
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
From somewhere in the internets:
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
If I buy a teddy bear for $5, call it Mohammed, and then sell it for $10, have I made a prophet?
QUOTE
If I buy a teddy bear for $5, call it Mohammed, and then sell it for $10, have I made a prophet?
Hilarious!
Applause Image
Did you read about this one?
QUOTE
Spanish man receives insulting gas bill
Paul Hamilos in Madrid
Friday December 7, 2007
Guardian Unlimited
When Antonio Bandín Moreno collected his post before heading off to work, he left it on the table and thought nothing more of it. It was only when his wife called him on his mobile that he discovered he had been the subject of a practical joke.
"Antonio, have you seen the bill from Gas Natural," she asked.
"Yes, but I didn't want to open it," he said, "Why would I? To go to work in a bad mood? Has it gone up much this month?"
But it wasn't the total on the bill that caused her to call.
While all the other information, from his personal identity number to his banking details, was correct, the bill was addressed to Antonio Gilipollas Caraculo, or Antonio Dickhead Arseface.
<SNIP>
There was one upside to it all, said Bandín. Since his photograph appeared in the local paper, his mobile has not stopped ringing, with old friends calling to speak to the man now known as "Mr Arseface".
Paul Hamilos in Madrid
Friday December 7, 2007
Guardian Unlimited
When Antonio Bandín Moreno collected his post before heading off to work, he left it on the table and thought nothing more of it. It was only when his wife called him on his mobile that he discovered he had been the subject of a practical joke.
"Antonio, have you seen the bill from Gas Natural," she asked.
"Yes, but I didn't want to open it," he said, "Why would I? To go to work in a bad mood? Has it gone up much this month?"
But it wasn't the total on the bill that caused her to call.
While all the other information, from his personal identity number to his banking details, was correct, the bill was addressed to Antonio Gilipollas Caraculo, or Antonio Dickhead Arseface.
<SNIP>
There was one upside to it all, said Bandín. Since his photograph appeared in the local paper, his mobile has not stopped ringing, with old friends calling to speak to the man now known as "Mr Arseface".
SOURCE
Hope this one hasn't already been claimed!
The difference between the Left and the Right
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
Finally a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber arrives at his shop only to find a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right.
The difference between the Left and the Right
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
Finally a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber arrives at his shop only to find a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right.
From an e-mail.
In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from New York treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.
"Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks."
"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.
"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."
"Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
"Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."
"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"
"Jesus, Son of Mary."
"Where was he born?"
"In a stable."
"And why was he born in a stable?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"
In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from New York treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.
"Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks."
"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.
"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."
"Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
"Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."
"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"
"Jesus, Son of Mary."
"Where was he born?"
"In a stable."
"And why was he born in a stable?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"
Long, but funny all the way through and worth the read. From The Spy Who Billed Me, 20 Dec 07:
A CIA Contractor Christmas
A CIA Contractor Christmas
The True Meaning of Christmas (caution: mild adult language and attitudes) from the RSU folks:
Merry Christmas Red State Update
Merry Christmas Red State Update
Since nebraska29 was enough of a good sport to post this video, here's my Christmas present to all my friends on the Left:
Debt us all with Halliburton, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Who cares if the budget's hurtin', fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Spend as if there's no tomorrow, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
From our friends the Chinese borrow, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Merry Christmas!
Debt us all with Halliburton, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Who cares if the budget's hurtin', fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Spend as if there's no tomorrow, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
From our friends the Chinese borrow, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Merry Christmas!
Please take a moment before midnight tonight, and support this brilliant plan by the Only Man Who Can Save America, RON PAUL!!!11!!ONE
This is a simplified version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.