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Mike
There were some database problems with the old political joke topic, and I had to close it.

The old topic is located here.

Please use this topic for all of your political jokes!

Mike
Google
Amlord
Three Moderators named Amlord were reading about Political jokes while walking into a bar....

An Admin named Mike told him to duck. w00t.gif
Lesly
I blame Doc.
Jaime
Some actual jokes to get this thread rolling again....

~~~~~~~~~

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

~~~~~~~~~

Working With The FBI


The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

~~~~~~~

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

~~~~~~~

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone
rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When
he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good
news. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"

"Honestly?"

The politician's smiled faded. "Aw jeez, ma, why bring that up at a time
like this?"


laugh.gif
Cube Jockey
A very appropriate Mark Fiore cartoon - Georgie's Angels laugh.gif
carlitoswhey
I guess this qualifies as a political joke. This Reuters story, about Americans being too sleepy for sex, features a photo of sleepy Bush / Cheney supporters. Oh, that liberal media.

photo link
DaffyGrl
QUOTE(CarlitosWhey)
I guess this qualifies as a political joke. This Reuters story, about Americans being too sleepy for sex, features a photo of sleepy Bush / Cheney supporters. Oh, that liberal media.

Good lord, that's a helluva stretch. unsure.gif I saw the same story on MSNBC sans the photo yahoo felt obligated to add. And I certainly wouldn't characterize MSNBC as "liberal". thumbsup.gif

And just to show that some of us are able to enjoy a laugh at our own expense:

George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hillary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hillary buy just one ticket. "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing. "Watch and learn," answers Hillary.

They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hillary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand... The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip.

When they get to the station, they see the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all. "Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hillary. "Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.

When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clintons cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost that election.

edited to fix missing paragraph blush.gif
DaffyGrl
'Fristian Fables: The Ant and the Grasshopper Revisited'

One afternoon in late autumn, a grasshopper sat in the shade of a crabapple tree, stuffing his face with cracked wheat and watching in amusement as a tiny ant labored diligently to transport a sizable stash of grain, one kernel at a time, past the grasshopper's place of repose.

"Where ya goin' with all that grub?" the grasshopper asked.

"I'm taking it to the colony," the ant replied. "My six-legged sisters and I have been working our appendages to the exoskeleton for weeks now, and we've accumulated a rather prodigious pile of the stuff."

"What's the point?" the grasshopper asked scornfully. "Why not just take what you need for yourself and screw everybody else? That's the way we grasshoppers do it! Self-reliance, individual initiative, the entrepreneurial spirit, that's what made this garden patch great..."

read the rest here (too many naughty words to post the whole thing. blush.gif )
demotheses
This was much better during the election but I still love it:


John Kerry walks into a bar, the bartender says "Why such a long face?"
Passion51
With the recent deaths of Teri Shiavo, John Paul II and Johnnie Cochrane the world has lost hope, a pope and a dope!
Google
Hugo
One morning Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, sir?" she asks George W. He replies, "How about a quickie?"

"Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude. You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton and you haven't even been in office for second term yet!

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced 'quiche.'"


Cube Jockey
Nick Anderson recently won the pulitzer prize for editorial cartoons - clicky here to see why. ALL of them are excellent and really funny at the same time.
Cube Jockey
The following is a quote from Richard Perle made during testimony in front of the House Armed Services Committee:
QUOTE
"There is reason to believe that we were sucked into an ill-conceived initial attack aimed at Saddam himself by double agents planted by the regime. And as we now know the estimate of Saddam's stockpile of weapons of mass destruction was substantially wrong."


I was laughing hysterically at this, but the sad thing is - I think he is serious wacko.gif
Doclotus
Does anyone else find it a little disturbing that the name of the new Iraqi President is Jalal Talabani? blink.gif
Bay State Rebel
Hey? Is the the United States speaking? Yeah, this is Massachusetts. We've got a couple things we'd like to say...

1. We do not have a Senator Carey.
2. Yes, the Red Sox winning was an important event.
3. "Worcester" has one o, two r's, two e's, and a c.
4. Your father's sister does not have six legs.
5. The entire commonwealth is not separated into "Boston" and "Cape Cod."
6. Anyone who thinks Goodridge circumvented the will of the people hasn't actually met our people.
7. Stop calling that little shower "rain" until you've been to Boston in April.
8. Maybe you should pick a symbol of liberalism you can actually spell.
9. Repeat after me: "drivers yield to rotary traffic..."
10. You seem to think we're a bunch of gays, drunkards, priests, baseball fanatics, militant leftists, pretentious pseudo-intellectuals, and drunken pretentious gay baseball-obsessed hard-left priests. Which goes to show that even a stopped clock is right twice a day!
freddy
lol i jus laughed @_@!
Cube Jockey
There is a great comic about the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy over at Salon.com. You have to watch a short ad to see it.
crashfourit
This is a quote from myself, but it also doubles as a joke. Insert "politicians" for "people" if you like. smile.gif It would still work, but even better! thumbsup.gif

Joke:
What does smart people and dumb people have in common?




They both can act stupid... ohmy.gif
DaffyGrl
"Earlier this week Bush met with a key player on the world energy scene -- Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. Bush greeted him by kissing him on both cheeks and then led him by the hand into his ranch -- confirming the long standing rumor that the president is, in fact, queer for oil." --Jon Stewart

eharmony parody

Did the Dallas Morning News place these items next to each other on purpose? innocent.gif Article Placement
Just Leave me Alone!
May 5th, 2009 - Bad news hit today as President George W. Bush's new Presidential library in Waco, TX burned to the ground. Both books were lost. President Bush is quoted as saying of the tragedy, "Darn! And I hadn't finished coloring the second one yet." sad.gif
BoF
Q: Why did the Texas Aggie refuse to remove the Bush/Cheney bumper sticker from his Ford F-150?

A: He's saving it for Bush's 2008 reelection campaign.
DaffyGrl
(Not a joke...well, maybe...but nothing worth a thread of its own) wink.gif

The latest round of "unauthorized" photos - Saddam in his tighty-whities. laugh.gif

Saddam in his undies
ralou
Subject: GORE CONCESSION SPEECH

Al Gore Concession Speech, 1st Draft
Good evening, my fellow American: Tonight we come to the end of a long road
and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in World Court seeking to overturn the Florida elect..

Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 2nd Draft
Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote..

Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 3rd Draft
Good evening, everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shaf..

Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 4th Draft
Good evening, my fellow Americans. Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of "loser," ..

Crumple, crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 5th Draft Good evening, my fellow Americans. Approximately 12 million light years ago, when I was first dispatched to your planet from Zolloid 9 ..

Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 6th Draft
I can't do this. I just can't do this.

Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 7th Draft
Hello, my fellow Americans. It's been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Buhh
Bbb .
Bahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President
George
W. Buh,
Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKIN' CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS!

Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 8th Draft
My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate..

Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 9th Draft (folksy approach) Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, when I was young boy frolicking on the zero-gravity ash fields of Zolloid 9, it never occurred to me when I downloaded the human emotion coding sequence..

Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 10th Draft
Good evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That's called "stealing," and in American stealing is a cri..

Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 11th Draft
My fellow American, most of you probably know how to count. One. Two. Three. And so on. See? It's not that difficult. (Smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida..

Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 12 Draft
Good evening, everyone. Generally speaking, civil war is never a good thing. But there are times . ah, forget it.
Doclotus
Keep doin that and you'll go blind! w00t.gif
QUOTE
WASHINGTON (AP) -- Federal health officials are examining rare reports of blindness among some men using the impotence drug Viagra.

Sometimes life truly is funnier than fiction.



Sleeper
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault.

carlitoswhey
An ongoing series featuring the correspondence of Senator Richard Durbin (D-IL), America's most dynamic metaphorist

********************************

Mr. Hector Gutierrez
Gutierrez Bros. Landscaping
Arlington, VA

Dear Mr. Gutierrez:

Nothing could have prepared me for the shock that awaited as I exited the front door of my home early Wednesday morning, where I discovered that your lawn crew had cut a swath of environmental destruction across my yard so horrifying that it only can be compared to the Rape of Nanking. I can scarcely bring myself to describe the killing fields that are my North azalea beds and the brutal degradation and torture suffered by the bluegrass around the locust tree by the rear patio. I am writing to inform you that I have contacted the US Department of Interior to conduct a full independent investigation into Gutierrez Brothers' actions in this matter. Please be advised that you may be subpoenaed for records pertaining to mower height, pruning shear maintenance, and leaf blower emissions. I would also advise your crewmen to heed the lessons of the Judgement At Nurenburg: although they may be spared the justice due their superiors, "I was only following orders" is not an excuse.

Sincerely,

Senator Richard J. Durbin
Washington, DC

********************************

Customer Relations Department
United Airlines
Elk Grove Village, IL

Dear Sir or Madam:

In the dark annals of human evil, history has recorded the Holocaust, the Rwandan genocides, and Stalin's mass starvation program. And now, United Airlines flight 671 from Reagan International to Chicago O'Hare on June 3rd, 2005. I know, because I am a survivor of that dark exemplar of man's cruelty to man.

Perhaps I should have known what I was in for when your brusque gate agent refused to issue an upgrade to me for the flight (despite being a Premier/1K member for over 10 years), or when your flight crew Gestapo confiscated my carry on Roll Tote (even though I had nearly fit it into the overhead bin). But the true measure of the horror did not dawn on me until me and my fellow passengers were left taxiing on the O'Hare tarmack for over twenty minutes in the Auschwitzian Airbus A320 cattlecar, in temperatures approaching 85 degrees, not knowing our fates or whether we would make it to our fundraising dinners.

Santayana once said, "those who forget history are doomed to repeat it." And I say to you and your fellow United criminals: "never again," unless you credit my account at least 2 flight segments for this travesty.

Sincerely,

Senator Richard J. Durbin
Washington, DC

cc: Human Rights Watch
cc: Amnesty International

********************************

Ms. He-Sook Park
AAA Georgetown Drycleaning
Washington, DC

Dear Ms. Park:

To paraphrase Pastor Martin Niemoeller, a witness to the Shoah:

First they frayed the hem on my wife's Valentino gown
My staff aide did not speak out
Because it was my wife's and it wasn't that noticeable

When they didn't honor the 5-for-$4.99 tie coupon
My staff aide did not speak out
Because the small print said "good Tuesday to Friday"

And when they overstarched my best Brooks Brothers shirts
there was no one left to speak out to
Because your counter attendant did not speak English

I will no longer stay silent in the face of your cruel and sickening campaign of chemical fabricide, Ms. Park. Mankind will soon learn of the horrors you are hiding behind the flimsy facade of 'One Hour Martinizing.' I expect full reparations for the suffering of my wardrobe, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Senator Richard J. Durbin
Washington, DC

P.S. -- Could you hem a pair of casual trousers before Saturday? I have a DNC retreat coming up.

********************************

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Epstein
3786 Arbor Cove
Fairfax, VA

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Epstein:

In her diaries, Anne Frank wrote, "After all that has happened, I still believe there is good in everyone." I am sad to say that after the obscene neighborhood parking situation Saturday, prompted by your son Jacob's Bar Mitzvah at Congregation Beth Shalom, I cannot reach the same optimistic conclusion.

As I witnessed one after another of your uniformed parking attendant shock troops invading my cul de sac with menacing SUVs, eventual blocking my driveway, I could not help but imagine the raw panic that must have gripped the doomed souls that inhabited the ghettos of Warsaw in 1939. Although the traffic jam eventually passed over when your took your adolescent blitzkreig on to Lazer FunZone, I am not sure I will ever fully recover from the trauma.

Never again, Mr. and Mrs. Epstein. Never again.

Sincerely,

Senator Richard J. Durbin
Washington, DC
Mike
Not really a joke, nor is it political, but hey-- it's fun anyway, and this is the best topic for it. wink.gif

http://www.americasdebate.com

alien.gif alien.gif alien.gif
Fife and Drum
FINALLY someone has come out with A 100% Bi-Partisan Political Bumper
sticker.


The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:

"2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.
Cube Jockey
This isn't a political joke per se, but I did find it pretty funny and thought I'd share - link to article.

QUOTE
With barely a word about it, workers at the Justice Department Friday removed the blue drapes that have famously covered two scantily clad statues for the past 3 1/2 years.

Spirit of Justice, with her one breast exposed and her arms raised, and the bare-chested male Majesty of Law basked in the late afternoon light of Justice's ceremonial Great Hall.

The drapes, installed in 2002 at a cost of $8,000, allowed then-Attorney General John Ashcroft to speak in the Great Hall without fear of a breast showing up behind him in television or newspaper pictures. They also provoked jokes about and criticism of the deeply religious Ashcroft.


Perhaps Gonzales isn't so bad afterall. thumbsup.gif
AuthorMusician
CJ, You Made My Day!

Lord help me, but the evil female breast is welcomed back into my concept of the Universe and all things created!

Don't really care about the necked male chest. I got one of those.

So sorry for those whose ever-lasting souls rest upon the human body being exposed or covered up. There there, the soul will everlast no matter what. Don't cry.

Um, Ashcroft might have reason to cry though. Selling out is a pretty big soul thing, especially when you use other people's money. Then again, eight grand is piddly compared to the billions being shucked down the hole for other dubyaous reasons.

But ding dong, Ashcroft's gone! The breast is back! Hopefully, justice comes along with it.
Wertz
A classic cartoon from the Washington Post:
The Administration's Policy On Gravity
carlitoswhey
If amusing sound effects and lampooning our "torture techniques" will help get you through a stressful Friday, click HERE to launch the "Gitmo 'Terro-Gator."
aevans176
"I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything"
Bart Simpson or Bill Clinton???
-----------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
- People still believe in David Koresh
-----------------------------------------------------------------


While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"

nighttimer
laugh.gif GEORGE BUSH GOES TO HELL

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go." devil.gif
Mrs. Pigpen
From the Arizona Republic online.....

A complaint post and the reply:

Complaint:
QUOTE
A wake-up call from Luke's jets
Jun. 23, 2005 12:00 AM
"Question of the day for Luke Air Force Base: Whom do we thank for
the morning air show?
Last Wednesday, at precisely 9:11 a.m., a tight formation of four
F-16 jets made a low pass over Arrowhead Mall, continuing west over
Bell Road at approximately 500 feet. Imagine our good fortune!
Do the Tom Cruise-wannabes feel we need this wake-up call, or were
they trying to impress the cashiers at Mervyns' early-bird special?
Any response would be appreciated."


The response:

QUOTE
Regarding "A wake-up call from Luke's jets" (Letters, Thursday):
On June 15, at precisely 9:12 a.m., a perfectly timed four-ship of
F-16s from the 63rd Fighter Squadron at Luke Air Force Base flew
over the grave of Capt Jeremy Fresques.

Capt. Fresques was an Air Force officer who was previously stationed
at Luke Air Force Base and was killed in Iraq on May 30, Memorial
Day.

At 9 a.m. on June 15, his family and friends gathered at Sunland
Memorial Park in Sun City to mourn the loss of a husband, son and
friend.

Based on the letter writer's recount of the flyby, and because of
the jet noise, I'm sure you didn't hear the 21-gun salute, the
playing of taps, or my words to the widow and parents of Capt.
Fresques as I gave them their son's flag on behalf of the president
of the United States and all those veterans and servicemen and women
who understand the sacrifices they have endured.

A four-ship flyby is a display of respect the Air Force pays to
those who give their lives in defense of freedom. We are
professional aviators and take our jobs seriously, and on June 15
what the letter writer witnessed was four officers lining up to pay
their ultimate respects.

The letter writer asks, "Whom do we thank for the morning air show?"

The 56th Fighter Wing will call for you, and forward your thanks to
the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques, and thank them for you, for
it was in their honor that my pilots flew the most honorable
formation of their lives.

Lt. Col. Scott Pleus
CO 63rd Fighter Squadron
Luke Air Force Base
Mike
Quicktime....

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/presaddress2.shtml

laugh.gif
carlitoswhey
How many conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw it in, and four to hate gay people.
Cube Jockey
A political cartoon for your viewing pleasure - here. It speaks for itself I think laugh.gif
Cube Jockey
This has to be quite possibly the funniest Mark Fiore cartoon I've seen - Double Super Secret Background which even includes a reference to The Manchurian Candidate.
lordhelmet
QUOTE(carlitoswhey @ Jul 20 2005, 03:29 PM)
How many conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw it in, and four to hate gay people.
*




Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: That's not funny!
nighttimer
laugh.gif Ralph Nader, John Kerry and George W. Bush go to a fitness spa for some fun. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decide to visit the men's room and they find a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance who says;

"Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

The men quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, Ralph Nader steps up and says, "I think I'm the most truthful of us three" and he suddenly finds the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.

John Kerry steps up and says "I think I'm the most ambitious of us three" and in an instant he was surrounded by a pile of money to fund his Presidential Campaign.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George W. Bush looks into the mirror and says, "I think --", and is promptly sucked into the mirror.


laugh.gif An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work."
Doclotus
Vardan Kushnir, a notorious russian spammer who headed the English learning centers, the Center for American English, the New York English Centre and the Centre for Spoken English, was found dead in his Moscow apartment on Sunday, Interfax reported Monday. He died after suffering repeated blows to the head."

- From a hidden microphone at the scene of the murder:

"You are receiving *WHAM* this blow to the head *WHAM* because you are part of a *WHAM* specially-selected list of *WHAM* people who agreed to receive *WHAM* blows to the head *WHAM*.

To stop *WHAM* receiving these *WHAM* blows to the head, please *WHAM* email us at no-more-please@optout.blowtothehead. com and *WHAM* we will remove you from our list of *WHAM* blow-to-the-head-club members *WHAM* (heh, we said "club"!) *WHAM* within 24 to 48 hours."
Sleeper
A man walked up to the gates of the White House and told the security guard he wanted to speak with the president of the United States, John Kerry.

The guard looked at the man and said, "John Kerry is not the President of the US, sir."

Then the man asked again to see John Kerry, President of the United States.

Once again the guard rolled his eyes and said "John Kerry is not the President of the United States.

Once more the hard headed man asked again to see John Kerry, United States President.

The guard getting angry, said to the man" Look are you deaf?!?. John Kerry is not the President of the United States!!!.

Then the man responded. Oh I'm not deaf, I just love hearing you say that!
carlitoswhey
QUOTE(lordhelmet @ Jul 24 2005, 07:06 AM)
QUOTE(carlitoswhey @ Jul 20 2005, 03:29 PM)
How many conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw it in, and four to hate gay people.
*




Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: That's not funny!
*


How's this then:

Q: How many islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Why do you think they would want light bulbs? This is what foments hate against the West.
Cube Jockey
Super-spy Tom Cruise outed Plame - enjoy!
Amlord
Not exactly political, but fun:



How many members of an internet forum does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

9 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to move it to the "Lighting" section.

2 to argue then move it to the “Electricals” section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... and six more to condemn those 6 as “stupid”

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

5 know-it-alls to claim they were in the industry, and "light bulb" is correct

9 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take the discussion to a lightbulb forum

1 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

6 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the wrong URL's were posted and then post the right ones

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

2 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to ask "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

2 to say "do a Google search before posting questions about “light bulbs"

And finally,

1 “lurker” to respond to the original posting - 6 months later - and start it all over
La Herring Rouge
I stumbled upon Mark Fiore's website today and decided it would be a good addition to this thread.

He is decidedly against the present administration in most of his humor, but he is an equal opportunity prankster who hammers the media often as well.

The selection I linked to is a media bash. Funny stuff.
Victoria Silverwolf
The Gay Agenda (by that prolific author, Anonymous)

QUOTE
I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:

6:00 am Gym
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch

2:00 PM
1) Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,
2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,
3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,
4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels,
5) Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,
6) bulldoze all houses of worship, and
7) Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.

2:30 PM Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theater
11:00 PM Bed (du jour)

BoF
Someone mentioned in another thread that "temporary" U. N Ambassador John Bolton is a joke.

Goliath might win this one. w00t.gif

John Bolton Cartoon
lordhelmet
QUOTE(Victoria Silverwolf @ Jul 28 2005, 02:59 AM)
The Gay Agenda (by that prolific author, Anonymous)

QUOTE
I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:

6:00 am Gym
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch

2:00 PM
1) Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,
2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,
3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,
4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels,
5) Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,
6) bulldoze all houses of worship, and
7) Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.

2:30 PM Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theater
11:00 PM Bed (du jour)

*




Only an hour for the hair appointment?

Sorry, that's just not believable......
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